It’s been an interesting 7 months out on my own.
It's been awhile since I took time to sit down and write down my beign adventures. Here's what I'll start with....
April- Was one of the worst months of my life. I had such an awful time at work. It was freezing and rainy most of the time. The people at work were shitty, the work was shitty, the pay was shitty, the walk half way across the city.... was shitty. I worked as hard as i can for nothing.
May- one big fat fuck up. first two weeks i waited for Dave to come to pick me up. then when i got my checks i was grossly underpaid. I decided to not fight it. Moved on. The second weeks was kind of a blur. I tried to get a myself adjusted in our new apartment. It's was hard to adjust. He left about a day after he came to unpack. I was pretty overwhelmed and spent the last of May kinda swept up in figuring out bus routes and exploring the new surrondings.
June- Lounging. That's all. There's some job hunting. But we were so happy to be together that we weren't thinking at all. I don't know why we weren't thinking.
brings it up to date enough.
kk. So now I'm in July. The 7th. The day four young muslims killed themselves and several others. Injurying hundreds in the London subway. I've obeserved the silence today. And in the silence I try to construct what that is like. The sudden explosion, the screams, the pain, blood, the panick, the shock. What horrors are in store this coming year. I know this year isn't over, yet. But how many aniversies will we have to remember. Pearl Habor, 9-11, 7-7. Those are the ones I can think of. I know there are many other dates but I'm too young and ignorant to know these.
Besides terrorism today there's been many things in mind. So many that it shall take a while for me to really construct them in coherent thoughts.
The first being my dear friend Bernard. I know that It's been so long since I really got to sit down and have a talk with him. There's so much that's come and gone on that i really can't be put into an email. It has to put into a dialogue. A long meandering sweet, sad, humorous, talk. Over dinner, then dessert, and tea. I've missed him so bad. I want our talks back. I want the dinners and the quiet times back. The only schedule is my work schedule. Not this herding of time. I want our strolls though the bookstores and debates about everything: comics, relationships, pens, history, philosophy, politics, movies, music, books. My fondest wish is to see him soon.
I'm worried about getting a job. I can't seem to get one. I've been all over this town and I've not found anything. I'm just about done with looking. It's frustrating. David has a job working for Papa John's as a driver, he just started though. So he won't be seeing his paycheck until next friday. He's working 4-8pm everynight until Tuesday. Then he'll be getting his schedule. I'm not just living off his paycheck. It can't work like that. I mean. I have to get a job. To at least pay back all the money he's spent on rent. I've got to make it even.
I'm thinking about me and my parents. My mom and I had a really nice talk. And I feel like we can mend things. I'm pretty surprised about it. But when things go well I've stopped trying to figure out why. It's pretty pointless to try and figure anything out. It's just vastly beyond my comprehension. I slept over at their house on the fourth after the huge party. It was nice to see them all again.
There's the future plans to go to Figure Eight beach for about a week in August possibly the third or last week. Camping. I'm trying to gather as much info as I can to decide how best to set everything up. I'm really excited about it.
Then there's the plans to go to KS for about a week for Thanksgiving. He's excited to show me all sorts of places there. And to introduce me to the Fam. The ex wants him to visit her and I'm feeling pretty unhappy about this. I know that she's needy and pyschotic. But god damn I'm not going to deal with her with pleasure. If he wants to introduce me, then fine. I'll keep my mouth shut. Grr. She still calls twice everynight and texts him at least 2 or 3 times sometimes 4 times. A NIGHT. She's so lonely and pathetic. I mean he doesn't even like to talk to her. She doesn't listen to his feelings or thoughts when he tells her stuff. She just ignores him. I don't want to deal with it. I really don't... I'm trying to behave. She's just making it really hard for me to do so.
Finally. I'm thinking of my dear and only friend (peer). I'm starting to feel that we've grown apart. I'm seeing so many negetives to the situation that she's in right now. I always thought of her as strong. But when I told these things to mom she reminded me, "Strong people don't act this way. She's decided to live this way. You can't make her do anything." She's right. But I want to HELP. I want to fight for her even if she doesn't stick up for herself. I mean how can she put up with being walked on constantly! I know if Dave started doing that to me I wouldn't have it. No man treats me that way! He doesn't help with housework, he ignores her most of the time and sticks to being on the computer, he won't give her respect when she brings up serious promblems. I think he's being abusive and she should move on. There are good men out there. It might take a while to find one but it will happen.
I either never noticed her pro-gun/pro-weapon stance or it really wasn't much developed. He's pro-gun. That's not bad but that's pretty flawed thinking. He doesn't really have strong thoughts to support he's rather naiive ideas and morales. He said to me (the last time me and Dave were over) "What would you do if someone just broke into the house? Someone who wanted to kill you. How would you protect yourself?" I - being exhausted from a very long day couldn't respond. He continued, "The cops won't be able to help you in time. If you don't own a gun then you won't be able to defend yourself." pause "I believe everyone in America should own a gun." There's flaws in that. NO. NOT EVERYONE NEEDS A DEATH DEALING WEAPON. The nicer parts of towns have a drastically lower crime rate. Better parenting, better schools, better people to be around, better encouragement from others. They influence a child who will become a stable person. If you live in a rough part of the city - like they live- yes. You do need a gun. Because the people around are grimmy, sleazy, drug and alcohol riddled. Awful parenting, gangs beome like a family, drugs help block out all the terrible childhood memories, and constant and negetive peer influence. Duh. Shitty lawless people. It was their DECISION to live in one of the worst neighborhoods in Durham. They had been house/townhouse/apartment hunting. But settled on living there instead of moving out of that place. What a dumbfuck idea. There are very few things that I'll pass judgment on with Mouse. But continuing to live in a place where there's gun fights is just suicidal. Of course they need a gun now.
There's nothing really
wrong right now. In fact we are getting along just fine. But I'm not sure how long I'll be able to listen to her. I support her. At least I try my best to. I'm not sure I can support this though. She isn't able to get him to listen. That is where I give little "modivations". Like, "Do ____ like I've requested so sweetly or you can consider yourself single." or "Please ____, I've tried talking to you nicely about this many times. Either consider my feelings and thoughts or you'll need to look for another apartment _____." or "We NEED to talk. I'm under the impression that you don't care what I'm thinking or feeling. I've requested you to ____. Please consider listening to me or you'll be sleeping alone." If kind words don't work then threats should. If that doesn't work, Then pack him and send him on his way.
Bleh. I'm done thinking about this.
I fear that we are starting to be alot more different then we were at first. We were different people certainly but not like this. i'm starting to feel like we have few things in common. She doesn't stand up for herself, she's pro-guns, not making good choices for living conditions,. Not sure what to do. I don't hate her. I love her quite abit. But I guess I'm just struggling with letting her be her own person and not trying to rescue her.
I don't know what to do really.
Better wait this out abit longer.
That's what Dave suggests.
I'm stunned that even with the couple big fights we've had, the struggles with money, and us generally getting sick of each and needing space. We've been very close. We tell each other everything. I've had so much support, love, compassion, etc. from other that I'm fearing that he isn't real. We lean on each other and learn from one another and life.
I love him! We're planning out the fall and the vacations and the various trips. I'm so excited. It's beautiful the times we have together. The love that is holding us together. We are so strong, I think that we can overcome anything.
