i have been feeling so withdrawn lately. I am tired all of the time and when I get sleep it just never seems that great. My really bad nightmares have come back and I had trouble not jumping at noise lately. I thought david was my dad a couple times and I am worrying about myself. It seems to go and come. Sometimes I think it's getting worse but sometimes I think I'll be okay and that it's just a silly side effect. i'm considering cutting again. and i think i'm going to cut myself off from a friend i've been close to for a while. i just don't have anything more to say. i just don't know what i should do. i'll write more later.

i'm not sure how i'm going to save for a car or even cell phone (iphone). when i'm using last bit of energy and money to keep us fed and taken care of. we don't have rent again and i have no clue what the fuck is going to go down. puck was suppose to call and get this taken care of days ago. i can't possibly ask him again as i don't want a confrontation. i told him today that i want to go out and have fun tonight. and he said, "what about all those things you want to save for?". i just shrugged. it'll be years and years before i have enough of anything to spend on anything but what i need. i'm thinking about cutting again. and i'm considering going ahead and doing so when he goes to sleep. i'm caught between so many things and unless money falls from heaven they won't be happening soon. i'm thinking about killing myself... i don't know why i'm even bothering to live anymore. i'm tired. i slept all day and feel like shit. i want to achieve but i believe that i have no chance. more another day.

shadow