an avoidable mistake

what can truly be said... i mean. i am honestly beyond words for this situation.

She probably said a max of 10-20 sentences...

We sat around watching a movie, not a word. not even a mere trace of interaction. text messaging the entire time. laughing at and oozing all over her phone. locust was trying extra hard to "focus" on Ren and Stimpy.

after she left for work after lunch. me and locust were hanging out by ourselves. she started sobbing. and i knew my heart was shattering. the sweetest friend any person could want. yes. she has her quirks... yes she has her things that make her a pest at times. but that is a human condition. to be pesty at times.

i think watching her sob the first time when i was housesitting for over 2 hours. and then sobbing for about another hour after on her birthday. i can't do it. this makes me feel genuinely icky now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF5Z8YpCqss

Absolutely Nothing - Lily Allen
I’m on the doorstep, with my key turned in the door
Walk in the living room and you’re sat on the floor
My heart is aching and I’ve never felt this bad
I pinch myself to check that all of this is real
Keep thinking I’m not letting on, I feel this sad
And then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how I feel
And I say…

Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind

I know that you just want to see me get upset
My world turned upside down so what did you expect
My heart is aching and I’ve never felt this bad
I pinch myself to check that all of this is real
Keep thinking I’m not letting on, I feel this sad
And then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how I feel
And I say…

Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
You’ve seen me cry too many times
But not this time
No not this time
I don’t need you to help me through
I’ll be just fine
I’ll be just fine(I’ll be just fine)

And I say…
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind

I just want to just fling myself off the roof. i just hate this. i HATE THIS.

i am going to bed now.

before i go. i want to purpose these math problems.

*boyfriend + time + energy + attention + love = great relationship
*best friend (of 15 years) + close friend (of 5 years) - care (time+energy+love)= no long term friends = no real live flesh friends = more computer friends
*beach + 2 lovers - 1 friend (1 brother+1 possesive mother- happiness) + 1 partner (love+concern-interest in lovers)= choatic vacation
*boxcutter + shoulders + depression + sleeping pills - friends - family - job = cheap vacation

fuck this life. fuck friends. fuck this vacation. i'm going to go and try and deal. but this is the absolutely last one i'm taking with friends. i'm going solo from now on. i need to get even and pay up all of my debts... after that. who knows.