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where was i while everyone else was getting high?

I've been wondering about how I've shut myself away from everyone else.
I've been in chapel hill 11 months- almost a year and I've no friends. And while that usually doesn't bother me... I have to wonder. Why didn't I let myself go out and be a human. I've noticed since the romance I've trapped myself. I've slipped further back in my progression as a mature person. I think my Sickness is progressing. I think I'm driving myself to insanity.

someday you'll find me trapped beneath the landslide

I'm caught between pushing him away and continuing to fuck myself over.
And letting go. Trusting. I've never trusted anyone. Anyone. I've started to trust him the last 6 months. Now with the leaving of NC I'm doubting everything. Everything. My existence, My purpose, My being lovable, My worth....

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it's okay to be safe

I don't feel safe. I can't feel safe or I'll be cut to pieces. I can't breathe. I can't be open. I can't saved him. I can't be saved by anyone but me.


i'm losing control falling by the wayside

I'm so scared. I'm wanting to just fail. Just to prove them right. So they could whisper about how fucked and pathetic I was. How my brain was whacked and that's why I did it.

I'm going now.


I hope I don't do anything too stupid.