my suicide is eventually I've realized today. It's not the immediate goodbye world crap. It's the living and living until I feel too feeble to care about myself anymore. I'm already heading that way... I'm wanting to cut more and more and I've had a few serious attempts. But I'm trying to hold on for David. It's been a month since I last posted (close enough to a month anyways). I'm stressed and stretched. I'm feeling more then ever that I have no direction and I have no purpose. Hell is not having a purpose and being too much of a coward to end it. I have no end to the love I have for my friends, family, and my darling. He's my idea what a human should be. Sweet thoughtful, etc. He wants me forever and I just don't feel like I can do it. Not the commitment. Just life: crappy city, crappy jobs, crappy apartment, crappy furnishings, crappy food, and crappy people. Lately I just want him to find another girl. I don't want to be his heartache when I find the courage. I just can't get over the messages I recieved when I was a child. That I'm filthy, useless, a bitch, a whore, a mistake, a mess-up, a unwanted pregnancy, stupid, ugly, talentless. I feel day by day I'm crumbling into thinking that's true. It would be his emotional undoing (at least for a few months-1 year) if anything happened to me self-inflicted or otherwise. I've got to go get some air. This is too much to think about right now. I need to start packing. I can't be focusing my energy on this bullshit. I have a life I need to live instead of sitting here throwing a pity party...
more later.
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