birthdays

birthdays are a miserable excuse of a day. i hate them more and more as i get older. I think it reminds me of how much i feel like a failure and a let down to everybody. i am even hating the idea of going back to school now. not because i don't want to go or learn because i want to very much. i just don't want to waste my time and money or my families. and i think this has driven me to not study the math i should. and to not update my folks like i should. bleh. i want to stab myself. i seriously fucking hate all holidays as well. fuck...