you don't know me at all yet i know you very well

Just by reading my thoughts on my blog one (sane person) can't possibly think they understand me. I can believe that there has been an enlightenment but not a total understanding of who I am. Though I'll admit it does seem like a good line to use on a mentally troubled girl. Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder are NOT things people "go through" that is how they are -___- it's like Jazz if you don't get it what the fuck is the point of explaining it because you'll never get it...
Onward to more important things then trying to explain myself. Because I really don't think I have to this person or the world. If people don't want to waste the time getting to know me then fuck them. It's hard enough explaining it the first time in general terms. Though I'm sure he meant well by reading my blog and going through all of my private links I doubt he really understands me at all.
He hasn't changed at all. He keeps making these claims that he is. At least he did now we don't even look at each other. The last things he texted me was how he was going to be pissed at me for a very long time after my refusal to take him back. After he dumped me over BULLSHIT. Saying I screwed him out of a second chance. FUCK THAT. He is the jackass that has time and again treated me with utter disrespect and insanity. FUCK that. I had tried to understand his utter lack of understanding who I am. Tried to tolerate the jealousy, the crazy online stalking, the mean piggish whore/madonna complex he has. Couldn't let myself get dragged through another round of just awful behaviour. Honestly if he was as cool and amazing as when I first became interested in him things would've gone differently...
I just doubt he will change at all because he was "changing" to keep me. Not because he recognized that he was batshit insane and had major issues that he let fester inside him for decades. The fact that he admitted that the only reason he was going back to school was in a feeble attempt to impress my mom in the future when he might have met her. It's like he honestly doesn't want to better himself because he needs to for his own good. Not to impress anybody. And I think I tried to explain that to him that the last time we spoke but it's not like he listened. ~_~ bleh. I know this was a couple weeks ago but I feel I need to purge all the thoughts of him so that I can move on. I've been trying to justify why he behaved the way he did. Tried to regain the image I use to have of him but I just don't care anymore.
I took my math placement test a couple days ago and I tested for a prealgebra class. I'm pissed at myself because if I had been studying harder instead of wasting my time with him and people in generally I would be prepared for a real college algebra course. People and men specifically are a monumental waste of time and energy and forgiveness. Twisted little dick-centric children. >_< So I guess this will hopefully teach me to never deal with asshole men which is just really men. There are no asshole-free men out there. Just some that are better at pretending they are decent. It might takes weeks, months, or even years but eventually that little persona of decency will slip and show the inner asshole.
I'm so emotionally battered over the last three "relationships" I have had. Fucking people ripping me apart and leaving me for dead and then blaming me when all I want is to pick up the tiny little pieces and heal myself the best I can. Fuck 'em all. seriously. Nobody wants to be with me just some ideal of me or some imaginary woman in their head they think I represent.

Puck- crawling back after making the biggest mistake in his life. He knows he fucked up so bad that he can't hope to get another chance with somebody like me. I think I was the best girlfriend he ever had and probably will have for a long time. Though things for the last 6 months have been tough at best there has been glimmers of how good things use to be. We use to be the golden couple everyone looked to. And I kinda want to find somebody to be golden with again. But who the fuck would that be??? My imaginary friends? Book, Movie, Tv show characters?? :'(

K- with her inability to accept when people run away and why they do so. I won't tell her what's wrong with her because if she is too fucking lazy to go over her little failures of relationships and actually pick apart what she is doing wrong then I'm too lazy to tell her what's missing.

H- so much to say but honestly it came down to fact that he has a horrible whore/madonna complex coupled with the fact that he has already decided his life is over. Which I don't know what is worst. And what seems to be this need to have a woman save and define him which is odd because he treats women like they are what's wrong with his life. Fuck it. I don't know. I get this feeling that while things are rough for him whereever he is staying and the rides he is getting to and from work. That he won't really do much about it until once again he is forced to make a change. Which now I'm out of the picture I wonder who will push him to make himself better. Who knows. Who cares.

Both K and H REFUSE to change for the betterment of their living situation and to make their lifes a happier more productive one so why should I fucking putting in all the effort to be their cheerleader and counselor when they won't do shit for themselves.


I need to take a bath to feel better, then a shower and a small jog followed by some upside down situps and possibly some weight training. Starting in May at the latest I WILL be doing a regular fitness routine. I'm SICK of being fat and gross.

i hope that tomorrow will be better. I am going to try and not dwell on this bullshit anymore because I've seen how destructive it is for my own well being to worry about people who are lost causes.


later