confessing to stupidity

I tried very hard to get my ritalin and then my adderal. While I do honestly have issues with concentration and focus they probably aren't nearly as awful as I make it out to be to my psychiatrist. I'm probably not the first to lie about disfunctions to get meds.

Part of it is i'm really loving the weight loss on it. i've lost 15 lbs in a single month on ritalin and i'm guessing once i get going on adderall it will jump to 20lbs. I know it's dangerous but I'm so sick of being fat and fat people clothes.

I've been on and off my meds alot over the last week. yo-yoing my doses and I'm thinking that come friday i will be back on my meds full time.

I'm not willing to discuss my eating disorder with my therapist. I won't talk to her about it until I'm at LEAST 10 lbs underweight.

She talks to my psychiatrist all the time and I'm not letting her even get wind of my eating disorder until it's too obvious to ignore.

I don't believe anyone who tells me I'm beautiful, even when I know it's their honest opinion, I don't believe people who tell me I'm smart, I see myself as even barely smarter then the average. I focus on and magnify my flaws, my hips are huge, gut overflowing, thighs touching and rubbing, my lips aren't as full as I'd prefer. I'm too curvy and i would like to look more androgynous, tall, lean and most of all tomboyish.
The things I like about myself are very little. I like my eyes (but i don't think they are green enough), wrists and forearms - they are tiny though i would like them to be smaller, feet are rather dainty and small (but i would like them smaller and prettier), ears are small and pretty cute, and i do like my hair most of the time.

On another note:

my family didn't tell me about a massive family reunion that will be happening during my semester breaks. FUCK THEM. the fact that i had to find out about it through my brother is fucking bullshit. When he moves out i won't be calling them. ever again. there isn't a reason to even BOTHER with their kniving asses. i'm officially done. They won't be invited to my graduations. They won't be kept in the loop when or if i move back home for college. I won't tell them how I'm doing if they call. I won't calling them. If Trav doesn't call then I won't. I love Trav to pieces but I'm not tolerating his parents bullshit. I'm going to just detach. It's time to grow up and not give a shit. They aren't my parents. They never were and never will be. If asked about my family I will tell them I am an orphan and then won't go into other details if pressed.

I need to get into the habit of not telling people anything about my family or myself. Keep it casual and distant. There is not reason to even bother telling people anything. I don't really care enough about people to keep them around long enough. So why show my blood, guts, and scars? Let them wonder I'm not bothering to discuss them. They aren't worthy of my time. School and therapy. The end.

Got to move on. Time to move on.

school first, then career, and perhaps if they decide to be decent human beings then maybe i'll bother :D

I'm not going to letting this bother me. I will let it go. I will.