i can't sleep

my intestines - not my stomach - is twisted into knots and i can't get myself to eat. i had some pizza earlier and i seriously want to throw it right back up. it's not something i want to think about. i already have enough trouble forcing myself to eat with this dumb ass thought that if i just eat 300-500 calories then i'll be 115 by christmas. it's partially because i'm sick of being fat and i'm sick of being called fat by my mom. i just want to get so skinny that she'll fucking pay attention to me. she never cares unless i'm in trouble or i'm being bizarrely perfect. i'm sure my body wants to fucking stab me for being so dumb and careless but i'm done hearing it from her. i'd rather be a twig and have her bitch about me needing to eat then have to deal with the fat jokes. If i knew that throwing up would take away the calories and the disgusting gut and not hurt my throat i'd do it.

what's the purpose anymore? get some fucking degree to impress some asshole so i can pay for cable and a decent car? so that i can pretend that i'm happy because i've got plaques and pieces of paper??