hate

i've had so much hate and depression and frustration and stress.

i can't decide if i hate myself or the world more or if the world is a close second to how much i hate myself or if the world is really who i hate.

who cares about hate.

it lives in the background of my mind thrumming with a heat that just changes my reactions to everybody to a searing annoyance. i don't talk to my coworkers anymore. they still try and talk to me. i just don't care. i just don't understand why i am so miserable.

i remember when i was younger how i was thinking when i'm 21 i'm going to have a great life. decent car, job, friends. i'd be happy and have lots of art in my life. who knew that just waking up is enough for me to want to just blow my brains out.

i've gone back to pretending i'm fine for dave. it's great. he thinks i'm fine so he is happy which is good. i want him to be happy. i just want to be just a tiiiinny bit less miserable. i seriously have felt this way for years and years. who cares anyways.

i'll just talk it out -__- yeah talking helps alot. >.> <.< >.> not in my case.
i talk about it feel okay for like a day or two and then start feeling like shit again.