sabotage

since the beginning 3 years ago i've been trying off and on to sabotage this relationship. being messy, annoying, loud, pestering, not wanting to help clean up, and now with spending. i was as well off and on aware of it. sometimes i did it on purpose because i thought he was just going to leave me. and tonight we had the worse fight in our three years together. i crawled into the bathroom for the last two hours and sobbed into the towels. knowing that this is very well the last bit. the last twig on the camels back. i know i shouldn't feel scared but i am seriously self destructive and sometimes i can help it and other times i just want him to hurt me as much as i want to hurt myself.

and knowing that i'm sabotaging it i do try and knock it off. but lately i'm just feeling completely out of control. the more and more i want to self harm the harder i am to be around.

i fear this is his exit. and i fear it is my own as well. when he goes so do i. it's not that i don't think there isn't thing outside of him. there just isn't another relationship i will be getting in after him. and having him around stops me from self harming. when he goes that will go back into full swing.

fuck it. i might as well just fucking do it now since he is probably already planning to leave.