We are alone here together

And in my mind we are screaming and fighting
I tell you things that I never would say
and if you don’t love me why can’t you just hate me?
as long as you feel something
we’ll find a way

Somehow you just don’t get it
as you turn and walk away

turn and walk away - The Wallstones (swedish band)


i just want him to stop being so apathetic sometimes.
it drives me to worse feelings numbness and wanting to just disappear.
he is freaking out big time because he finally got the confession out of me he wanted.
i told him that i've been on the cusp of anorexia for years now
and i'm starting to fall into it big time.
i confessed to it all. the starving, the secret selfharming, the will, the pills.
he doesn't know about the times where i was talked down from bridges
and he doesn't know about the suicide hotline and how that is where all of my cell
phone minutes are going.

i hate shrinks but like the poor volunteers at the hotline. maybe i feel they can't
pick me apart. maybe i just like knowing i could call them seriously 24 hrs
and somebody will be there and not care that it's 4am or that they are tired.

i am also grateful to my friend Locust who has talked me down many times without ever
even knowing it.

i just don't know if i will make it all the way through life.
i just don't know people.
i just don't.