daft punk

:D i love daft punk. i'm just now really discovering them and their work. i know i'm not the first to know or fall head over heels. i love their music and i am addicted to their videos. :D i just loved the section of the video with their helmets flash <3>

i'm a brick

8 weeks late. I've never been so scared. and sad. Puck says that if I am pregnant that he is uncomfortable. He told me that he would feel better if i just got an abortion. I asked him if he'd be okay if I kept the possible child and gave it away for adoption. And he said that it would be uncomfortable for him.

I mentioned that a child is not just something that is my problem. That to create life there is two sides. That he is as responsible for the child as if it was inside him. He looked bored and glazed over. I felt like screaming. How he not CARE! HOW?! He told me that he would be there for me if I did go with the Abortion. He said he would be there for me. He said he was worried about me and wanted to know if i was doing okay.

I felt like screaming at him. I am not okay right now. His uncaring about the emotionally scaring operation makes me sad.

long silence

it's been a really long time since i wrote anything. my comp being dead... at the moment makes blogging hard to accomplish :P

With that said.

i don't have a terrible amount of things that are new to really report. Maus says she's considering moving to be with bry. i will miss her terribly. but i know that i'm also moving so i can't blame her for wanting to be close to someone she loves so dear.
Work is work as always.We have a new FS manager, he seems alright. He thanks me everyday for my hard work :) it's nice to be thanked. i have no days off this week :'( i miss puck something crazy. we perhaps get a handful of hours to spare together. but how can i complain to much about it. for i know maus doesn't even get that with bry. and i know she misses him terribly. When Puck was away for those 3-4 months i use to cry every night. i hope she doesn't feel too lonely. for i didn't even have friends at that point. i hope she will be not as lonely with me around. maybe i'm just a pest...

on another note. my mouse. my sweet little girl is dying... she has developed a hump and she can't move right. she got slender and i continued to fed her as always. i don't know what's wrong with her. Puck says it'd be okay to get another mouse when she passes away. :( i can't stand to see her suffer... Yet i don't know how to make it stop for her... Poor Goldberry. Maus thinks she just got old. she did live for a long while. and i knew when i got her she would only live about a year. Anyway.

it's been a long while since i've really seen maus. i need to figure out how to pay her back. i can't let my depression come back again. for it won't help me get the money any sooner. friday i will be signing my new check over to her. it's a small lift off our debt but every penny counts.

i hope for a day off soon. and i hope for time with david. i hope that i pay mouse back soon. well i need to go fetch some breakfast and get showered and all that stuff before work.

i hope work won't be that hard.

namaste

an avoidable mistake

what can truly be said... i mean. i am honestly beyond words for this situation.

She probably said a max of 10-20 sentences...

We sat around watching a movie, not a word. not even a mere trace of interaction. text messaging the entire time. laughing at and oozing all over her phone. locust was trying extra hard to "focus" on Ren and Stimpy.

after she left for work after lunch. me and locust were hanging out by ourselves. she started sobbing. and i knew my heart was shattering. the sweetest friend any person could want. yes. she has her quirks... yes she has her things that make her a pest at times. but that is a human condition. to be pesty at times.

i think watching her sob the first time when i was housesitting for over 2 hours. and then sobbing for about another hour after on her birthday. i can't do it. this makes me feel genuinely icky now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UF5Z8YpCqss

Absolutely Nothing - Lily Allen
I’m on the doorstep, with my key turned in the door
Walk in the living room and you’re sat on the floor
My heart is aching and I’ve never felt this bad
I pinch myself to check that all of this is real
Keep thinking I’m not letting on, I feel this sad
And then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how I feel
And I say…

Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind

I know that you just want to see me get upset
My world turned upside down so what did you expect
My heart is aching and I’ve never felt this bad
I pinch myself to check that all of this is real
Keep thinking I’m not letting on, I feel this sad
And then you’ve got the cheek to ask me how I feel
And I say…

Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
You’ve seen me cry too many times
But not this time
No not this time
I don’t need you to help me through
I’ll be just fine
I’ll be just fine(I’ll be just fine)

And I say…
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind
Absolutely nothing
I’m absolutely fine
Absolutely nothing you can say to change my mind

I just want to just fling myself off the roof. i just hate this. i HATE THIS.

i am going to bed now.

before i go. i want to purpose these math problems.

*boyfriend + time + energy + attention + love = great relationship
*best friend (of 15 years) + close friend (of 5 years) - care (time+energy+love)= no long term friends = no real live flesh friends = more computer friends
*beach + 2 lovers - 1 friend (1 brother+1 possesive mother- happiness) + 1 partner (love+concern-interest in lovers)= choatic vacation
*boxcutter + shoulders + depression + sleeping pills - friends - family - job = cheap vacation

fuck this life. fuck friends. fuck this vacation. i'm going to go and try and deal. but this is the absolutely last one i'm taking with friends. i'm going solo from now on. i need to get even and pay up all of my debts... after that. who knows.

sleepyhead

i downed six sleeping pills and slept 15 hours. i wonder if i just finished the package off how long i'd sleep. i'm planning on buying a couple packages of sleeping pills for the vacation. So I don't have to interact with anyone. sleep the time away. it's the only idea i have of being alone and fulfilling my obligation of going on this fucking thing. i don't want to go. i know that this is just a chance for her and her boyfriend to see each other. i know i will not exist on this vacation. i know there is no reason to hope that i will exist after this vacation. i don't give a fuck if i'm annoying her right now. she abandons her friends and her animals. i have not decided what to do. but it's to the point where i just want to down a package of sleeping pills and a cup of vodka. i don't care anymore about keeping up appearances. i don't care if i'm being annoying. i don't care about taking care of someone elses pets and food. she can go with who she wants. but she doesn't that if she doesn't show for a simple birthday that she will be cut out of two peoples lives. what she doesn't know will hurt her.

i'm sick and tired of living.
i'm sick and tired of being ignored by everybody
i'm just sick
and tired
all the time
who cares
who cares

i don't
not anymore

not anymore
i have two people to live for. and even then i do not know if i can live for them.

travis and david


travis-
i feel like such a lousy sister. like i should be giving/doing more. i don't know what i should be doing. but i feel like no matter what i do from here on out that i will never be a good enough sister to you. it's like i'm trying to run a million miles and you are always a million and one miles away.

david-
you know i love you. you know i don't/can't love anyone else besides you. you opened me up. made me feel. why am i so numb right now? you make me feel warm and open and vulnerable and it terrifies the shit out of me. but something comples me to stay with it. even when i'm scared the most. i don't want to leave you all alone.

i love the both of you guys. i always will. regardless of any stupid actions i take against myself.

and i love you poppa.

i think i was the only girl in your life that got your humor. got you. and i love you for everything you are to me. thank you for being you.

i love you.

i'm going to go now. i feel too sleepy to stay awake.

night

the beginning of the end

it's been a shitty week for me. i've had a hard week at work. i've been feeling like shit and i don't know what to do anymore. i am lost. and lost more then i have been. i can't find any use to live. i just wake up make my meager wages and come home and cook after working nine hours. i honestly don't see why i should just keep on the way i am. sometimes the depression is so bad i feel like i can't even get out of bed. like i just want to shoot myself in the face. like i want to just jump from the balcony with a rope tied to it so i'll break my neck on the way down. i've been to therapist after therapist. i've tried everything. meditation, herbs, dancing, playing instruments, talking about it, and talking, and talking. i am tired of talking. tired of throwing my money away at a therapist who doesn't fucking know or cares. i would like out. now.not tomorrow. tomorrow we'll go to the beach. next month we'll relax. next year we'll take a break. fuck that. fuck this life. and fuck that shit. i've had it. i'm done. i dunno. i just want a break, i need a break. i can't do this anymore. when i was younger. i saw how miserable adulthood was. and i prayed that i'd get cancer, get in a crash, get tb, break my neck falling out of a tree, snap my neck. something. anything to avoid that drudgry called adulthood. that pathetic excuse of an existence called adulthood. that pack of lies called adulthood. my folks use to say adulthood is fun. yeah sure. is what i'd say. "between bills, taxes, raising brats that hate you, working 40plus hours, and lousy meaningless relationships. i don't see how i want to be a kid." that is exactly what i'd tell them. and my mom would call me a drama queen and my dad would remain silent or chuckle quietly.
yeah. i'm the crazy one. adulthood is a 70 year bane. it is a 70 year curse. and i hope to fucking god i fall down the stairs and break my neck or get killed in a sidedoor car crash. because i'm not looking forward to 70 more years of this bs. if my life could be david, and being able to live completely off the earth and build our own home. i would. i won't be telling my family when i move. i'm writing a will so as that they will NOT be notified of my death. i am fucking spent and need my boxcutter. i hid one in the cabinet where it's in plain sight. i sit there in the bathroom playing with it. slicing little random tiny scratches on my legs. i want a dremel so i can slice my thighs and shoulders wide open. so i can feel the gaping wound so i could cake shirts and pants with my blood.




sometimes.
people don't think before they talk. things that get said and misunderstood. and sometimes words can kill.


and
sometimes.
all
i
need
is to feel safe.


to be held.


nobody knows me. they can't assume that.

i don't assume i know anyone. not even dave

for sometimes he says or looks at me in a way that
i'm fairly sure says- i hate you. get away.

sometimes when he says mean things to me. i want to cut him. make him hurt back. i'm not psycho for thinking that. i just don't like being kicked when i'm vulnerable.
and something about him.
makes me so
very
vulnerable.
and i hate it. it scares the living shit out of me.
but it's so comforting.
like a cold moth needing the flame. knowing it's doom but unable to steer itself away from it.

night.
work awaits me when i open my eyes next.

take care of yourself.
don't worry about me.


you know who you are.

night.

http://s6.bitefight.org/c.php?uid=39666

check it out...

mother's day

what can be said. i just don't feel like talking to her. i just can't tolerate her. and it's not as though she loves, likes, or cares about me. I sent her two cards one for her birthday and one for mother's day. i couldn't really say anything inside. i mean what am i suppose to say to her. anything i say is wrong. whatever i say isn't enough or right.

happy mothers day.

to a mom i never loved or particularly liked

to a mom who abandoned and beat me

to a mom who kept me fed for 8 months until i could get adopted like i was a stray kitten left on the side of the road in a box...

lost lost lost

i don't believe i have a place in life anymore. i just don't know what the hell i'm doing anymore... Work is slashing hours like friggin nuts. i don't know if i have the energy to get another job. There has been so much yet not much going on. I still live where I've been living for the last year. it has really been a friggin year... it's really unbelieveable. I don't know where to begin. I wish that I still practiced my guitar as I use to. I'm more and more isoleted from everything. Since I asked my parents for help and their scathing reply I haven't said more then a paragraph of words back and forth with them. I don't see a reason to bother anymore. They have to make up their fucking minds.... I have decided to make up mine. I won't be telling them I'm leaving for Kansas and I doubt that I'll be inviting them to the wedding. They have no fucking clue who I am and judge me on who I was at 14. I'm okay with that. Just as long as they know that I won't be including them with anything good that comes my way... They are supposedly helping my brother Travis out... Giving him the nice mustang, an apartment, a job, and generally helping him out... I am glad that he is going to be taken care of. I just don't trust that they'll actually follow through and help him out.
As far as friends go, i just have maus left. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her and be by her side. I wish I was considered a friend... I don't mind being little sister; but I feel that I fail her. I don't think I'm good enough. I just don't think I'm worth her time. It's been hard since her break up.I want to make it better or something... I just feel like a hopeless mess. I don't think I deserve her kindness. I want to be here but Puck is wanting to go home. I feel torn apart. If I move I'm afraid I'll leave her and my brother lonely. But if I stay here I lose Puck. So I guess I have decide who I want to lose... Because, I wish that I could say that everyone involved would actually keep up with each other... But would it happen?
Puck. What is there to say? He's a catch... But is he catching me or am I catching him. I feel like a burden to him. I can't help being stupid and emotionally crippled sometimes. Again, I feel that I am not that great of a friend or girlfriend. I am crazy about him but I just don't feel that I deserve him. He works hard all the time, I feel so lazy and uninteresting. His family and friends miss and love him. He's a good friend, brother, husband, son, and future father. I just can't see me being a good match for him. I feel I just drag my friends down. That they'd be better off without me around making things harder.
I have considered getting a gun or finding a gun at a friends house and just ending it. I just can't see myself being a worthwhile person. I just don't understand why my friend and my boyfriend haven't left me alone. Is it just because I'm just a familiar face and tolerable? I don't know. I just don't know how much better off my friend and my boyfriend would be if I never came into their lives. Puck says I make him happy and that he doesn't care about my issues. But, I'm not good enough. I just can't be good enough. And my friend would be better off without me around any more. I tried choking myself several times this last week. I think maybe it'd be better this way... I think I should just jump off a bridge tonight. I just think I should. I think I might. I think I might.

i have been feeling so withdrawn lately. I am tired all of the time and when I get sleep it just never seems that great. My really bad nightmares have come back and I had trouble not jumping at noise lately. I thought david was my dad a couple times and I am worrying about myself. It seems to go and come. Sometimes I think it's getting worse but sometimes I think I'll be okay and that it's just a silly side effect. i'm considering cutting again. and i think i'm going to cut myself off from a friend i've been close to for a while. i just don't have anything more to say. i just don't know what i should do. i'll write more later.

i'm not sure how i'm going to save for a car or even cell phone (iphone). when i'm using last bit of energy and money to keep us fed and taken care of. we don't have rent again and i have no clue what the fuck is going to go down. puck was suppose to call and get this taken care of days ago. i can't possibly ask him again as i don't want a confrontation. i told him today that i want to go out and have fun tonight. and he said, "what about all those things you want to save for?". i just shrugged. it'll be years and years before i have enough of anything to spend on anything but what i need. i'm thinking about cutting again. and i'm considering going ahead and doing so when he goes to sleep. i'm caught between so many things and unless money falls from heaven they won't be happening soon. i'm thinking about killing myself... i don't know why i'm even bothering to live anymore. i'm tired. i slept all day and feel like shit. i want to achieve but i believe that i have no chance. more another day.

shadow

Lately for some bizarre reason. I went from noticing women... to NOTICING women. Beautiful women everywhere. I feel like I'm a 16 yr old boy. Gay women. Straight women. Women who drag as men. Women who flirt too hard. Women are amazing and I'm amazed that I have been so oblivious to them before. It's getting to be hard to not go after one of them. Everytime I see one I like I start fanatizing about stripping their clothes off and eating them out. I can't get it out of my head. I daydream at work. I dream about it when I'm sleep. I think about it when I'm showering. I even once thought of it when me and puck were fucking. It's inside my head and I can't get them out. They are always there always wanting me to get them.

*sweats* I am actually sweating thinking about women right now. I want one so bad I can taste it...

Okay. I'm getting off.... the computer and going to do something better with my time..;) like getting off...:P okay *deep breath* the urge to write about these things were too strong. I went to the library because I feel so embarrassed about typing it at home.

shadow.

i don't know what's going on lately. the patch was suppose to help and maybe it is. but i've been so depressed lately. today i just didn't want to eat. but i am kinda hungry. but i don't know. i don't really want food. but i do. and i'm kinda dizzy but i think it's because of not eating... i think the metal taste is there because i've not eaten too.. i mean i've tasted pennies before and not had the patch on... so maybe it's just fine. and my legs are just being stupid. i'll be fine. ppl are goofy. i'll wait until my legs want to fall off and it tastes like a bucket of pennies are in my mouth...


yeah...
that's a good plan
whoooo hello wheelchair... goodbye walking...

what use am i to anyone anyway. my mom's right. i can't hold a job. i suck at relationships. i am a piece of crap. i can't even be a good friend. i might as well just leave. and not bother anyone anymore. i might as well just kill myself.

existance... to be or not to be at all

it's been too much lately. we went down to the office today and the one of the options to cut the lease #1 is to 2,200. The other option is to pay the rest of rent 4,400 dollars. We can't do either really. I'm just now on getting to looking at getting a new job. I'm tired of crying, tired of working, tired of being around him somedays. i just want to cut it all off. i just want to stop existing. i wish i could take everything good and bad i did back. so i don't such a mess on my hands. i just wish i could not exist. it's such a stupid shallow thing to think. much love to who is reading.

shannon