*sigh* It's 6am and I'm trying to sleep. Last day. Last few moments. The caresses are loving, the kisses tender, and the look on his face is so delicate. I'm trying hard not foil the last perfect seconds i have with him with these childish tears. But *tears fall* I can't help it. I will be going back to the grim, the steel, cold glares, long hours. Count myself luck to even know him, to have him here but of all of the wicked injustices.... Three long months. a 4th of a year. It's not the burning golden light that hovers above his skin it's the darkness that is speaking for me again. The lone night with the blinked out stars. We'll see one another sooner then I feel. I just get so, lonely. I suppose that's my problem not his. It'll be okay. I guess that I'm just getting edgy.

These months will be wearing.
i have many hours to be made up if i hope to cover next (may) rent. I know it was foolish to take so much time off work. i couldn't help myself though. the bills are making little piles on my kitchen counter and i want to close them up in a drawer and ignore them. everyone feels that way i guess. so in general i'm nothing new. nothing too sparkly. jus' a young struggling artist. the kind my folks sniffed at. warned me not to become. but i'm too driven to this. to paint. to create the world in my image. to creat nothing nothing too out of the way. but to try to carve my name in this small town.

which
brings me to a new topic.
cities.
how i love the closeness of my artist friends. but. all this slow death. the toxic things that are being pasively brought into my body.
yesterday i went to the science museum. there was a forest exhibit. it made me so homesick for the forest. real trees, the smells of leaves and wet earth, all the delicate bluebells in the spring, the little creek full of fish, the moss. i feel like a fairy torn from it's home. forced to deal with the decay of the world around me. how perfectly awful cities are. tiny trees scrawny and unhappy. i want to leave it all behind. i want to be responsible about it though. i want to pay my rent and take care of the loose ends. then. in june. leave here. maybe the stars in kansas would welcome me home. maybe he would welcome me into his arms. under a dew stained half lit moon and we'd live there for a bit...

maybe he'd let me come to him and i'd spend the summer instead with him....

i must go dry my eyes.
i must go behave civilized.
tidy stiff social ties
these convenient lies
"it's all alright"
they are all so uptight...