goodbye.

i'm so done

and he doesn't know it yet. i'm getting through my classes and leaving him. He thinks I'm looking for apartments for students. basically nicer dorm apartments. but he isn't coming with. i think this is the time to grow a spine and work on school. time for me and not worry about being lonely since i'll always be lonely. school should be my focus. time to go study. later.

i can't sleep

my intestines - not my stomach - is twisted into knots and i can't get myself to eat. i had some pizza earlier and i seriously want to throw it right back up. it's not something i want to think about. i already have enough trouble forcing myself to eat with this dumb ass thought that if i just eat 300-500 calories then i'll be 115 by christmas. it's partially because i'm sick of being fat and i'm sick of being called fat by my mom. i just want to get so skinny that she'll fucking pay attention to me. she never cares unless i'm in trouble or i'm being bizarrely perfect. i'm sure my body wants to fucking stab me for being so dumb and careless but i'm done hearing it from her. i'd rather be a twig and have her bitch about me needing to eat then have to deal with the fat jokes. If i knew that throwing up would take away the calories and the disgusting gut and not hurt my throat i'd do it.

what's the purpose anymore? get some fucking degree to impress some asshole so i can pay for cable and a decent car? so that i can pretend that i'm happy because i've got plaques and pieces of paper??

suicide attempt #15

Today I was talked off the highway overpass by my house by Leslie my therapist. I was so close to being hospitalized today that it's not even funny. The only reason I was allowed my freedom was because I promised her to do these sheets everyday. She wants me calling everyday. I don't want to call her or talk to her. I don't want to do the stupid sheets. In some ways I wish I could be hospitalized because it'd give me two weeks away from everything. It's expensive though. I can't just go for free. It's not a summer camp. I hate this shit. I hate feeling trapt with him. I hate being poor. I hate my family. I hate myself. I hate my body. I need to go get that cheating lying sack of shit from work. I'll be back later.

You are my sweetest downfall

My therapist states that there isn't much that she can do that she isn't already doing. Which in some ways makes me think what's the point?

out of control

I'm wondering if I'll ever be okay. I'm letting go of my family, friends, and I'm remaking my personality. I don't know if any amount or combination of meds would help me.
With the help of my ritalin I went from a size 18 to 12 and I'm no happier. I wonder if I get on meds for my bi polar if i'll gain weight. Leslie wants me to try to talk to Dr. Martin about getting meds for it. I personally think that maybe I should just kill myself.

confessing to stupidity

I tried very hard to get my ritalin and then my adderal. While I do honestly have issues with concentration and focus they probably aren't nearly as awful as I make it out to be to my psychiatrist. I'm probably not the first to lie about disfunctions to get meds.

Part of it is i'm really loving the weight loss on it. i've lost 15 lbs in a single month on ritalin and i'm guessing once i get going on adderall it will jump to 20lbs. I know it's dangerous but I'm so sick of being fat and fat people clothes.

I've been on and off my meds alot over the last week. yo-yoing my doses and I'm thinking that come friday i will be back on my meds full time.

I'm not willing to discuss my eating disorder with my therapist. I won't talk to her about it until I'm at LEAST 10 lbs underweight.

She talks to my psychiatrist all the time and I'm not letting her even get wind of my eating disorder until it's too obvious to ignore.

I don't believe anyone who tells me I'm beautiful, even when I know it's their honest opinion, I don't believe people who tell me I'm smart, I see myself as even barely smarter then the average. I focus on and magnify my flaws, my hips are huge, gut overflowing, thighs touching and rubbing, my lips aren't as full as I'd prefer. I'm too curvy and i would like to look more androgynous, tall, lean and most of all tomboyish.
The things I like about myself are very little. I like my eyes (but i don't think they are green enough), wrists and forearms - they are tiny though i would like them to be smaller, feet are rather dainty and small (but i would like them smaller and prettier), ears are small and pretty cute, and i do like my hair most of the time.

On another note:

my family didn't tell me about a massive family reunion that will be happening during my semester breaks. FUCK THEM. the fact that i had to find out about it through my brother is fucking bullshit. When he moves out i won't be calling them. ever again. there isn't a reason to even BOTHER with their kniving asses. i'm officially done. They won't be invited to my graduations. They won't be kept in the loop when or if i move back home for college. I won't tell them how I'm doing if they call. I won't calling them. If Trav doesn't call then I won't. I love Trav to pieces but I'm not tolerating his parents bullshit. I'm going to just detach. It's time to grow up and not give a shit. They aren't my parents. They never were and never will be. If asked about my family I will tell them I am an orphan and then won't go into other details if pressed.

I need to get into the habit of not telling people anything about my family or myself. Keep it casual and distant. There is not reason to even bother telling people anything. I don't really care enough about people to keep them around long enough. So why show my blood, guts, and scars? Let them wonder I'm not bothering to discuss them. They aren't worthy of my time. School and therapy. The end.

Got to move on. Time to move on.

school first, then career, and perhaps if they decide to be decent human beings then maybe i'll bother :D

I'm not going to letting this bother me. I will let it go. I will.

somethings i should've said long ago

I never had a chance to say thank you. Thank you for showing me who you really are. If by now you still don’t realize how selfish, egocentric, and disrespectful you’ve been, telling you that would be futile. Your short sightedness and your poor judgment have finally caught up to you. Of course, your ego would never allow yourself to admit to any wrongdoing.
Your weakness in character, lack of integrity, stubbornness, and selfishness disgust me. You were right. I deserve better. You were really just a selfish little child inside. All your little flings you had (attempted to have) (probably STILL HAVE) behind her back. I almost feel bad for the tubby psycho.
I also wanted some closure between us. I am sure now that I don’t want us to EVER get back together. It changed me in ways I haven't fully grasped yet. If you would have had even one testicle to your name you wouldn't have had wifey to tell me to leave you
alone... awwww poor baby!!! The day I left - remember the kiss you forced on me - you still wanted me so I guess it came as a total shock that you - such a MATURE and WISENED old man - would use his wife to send a go away text from the poor poor over bothered granpa.
I guess I kept texting you because I wanted to know that you’ve have went back to suckling off your blissfully willfully violently ignorant host. Did you tell her yet that you are an atheist? Or was that just a little trick you picked up so that you could finger fuck and eat me in the backseat of my car while she was working not but a few yards away? All that feigned guilt and angst! Bravo! Bravo!! My hat is off to you man! Such acting would be oscar worthy!
It is true. When we were together, you were all that I thought about. You were all that I cared about. I may have a hard time expressing my love but you melted my heart. Somehow you did. What a sorry guilable sap I was! You just wanted to fuck around on the wife and manipulate me so that you could get whatever pussy you could and not have to actually be a human being. You never had even a thought of getting a divorce or being with me. Pathetic shell of a "man".
You said when times would get tough, you would be there for me and not take advantage of my generosity. But you did. You took advantage. All the psycho cyber snooping will never assist you in being able to understand how I feel and am. I wish you could read my thoughts and my heart. But you can’t. You never have.
You are a spineless, gutless, brainless psycho. I don't miss you. I don't miss the mental anguish you put me through. I doubt you had any real "love" for me. Such a don juan line! I feel bad for the next dumb bimbo who falls for your angsty confessions of secret long term love. Your "I'm so in love that I'm fall apart because of you" bullshit.


Fuck you, fuck your feeble bullshit, and fuck your mutilated stunted version of romance and love.


i hope you get back to your co-dependancy of your dumb hyper manipulated cow with little effort.

Try and pick somebody dumber and more needy next time!


good luck to you and the rest of your miserable shriveled existance.





ps- you always smelled like a porto john with cologne dumped ontop.

pps- i went out with another person the same time as you the last 2 months of our "relationship" because i was SICK OF YOUR FUCKING SHIT!!!!! yeah she was the best lay i've ever had. She didn't have this BULLSHIT psycho nonsense attached to her like you do.


once people get to know you they realize that you aren't charming, funny or interesting

you're a bitter sociopathic cripple with a huge madonna/whore complex.

shoutbox special

are you ready all those worthless pointless ASSHOLES out there??? well i am

I am ready to set this shit straight and put the last nails in this coffin and kiss this pointless friendship GOODBYE

here it is

i couldn't give a flying FUCK about her or about you (anymore).

i've had so many of my buttons pushed over the last month i'm sick of your shit and everybody elses.

Don't you *ever* assume you fucking know me, not now and certianly not ever.

That post was about another friend I had made out here three years ago when shit was crazy and depressing and nobody back home remembered i even existed. including you so don't get all high on your fucking horse because you are living off kindness and sisterly love. I messed up with her somewhere down the line said some things that were unforgiveable and didn't appreciate the amazing friendship I had with her.

YOU made this into something about your "roomie" who frankly means less to me then anyone i've ever known. she's burned her bridges and fucked shit over JUST as much as I did. Just because she don't want to take it like a man and own up to her shitty behavior don't mean it didn't happen.

I've been posting casual comments on her stuff and things are pretty much as icy and polite as one should expect. If things want to change she has to call my ass up and start explaining and owning up. And I will apologize for the stuff I've said and done because i am truly regretful about things. If money is what she wants tell me where to send the check. If an apology is what she wants I will apologize and throughly mean it. But if she wants to blame our broken friendship on my shoulders then she can go suck a dick.

HOWEVER i don't need you turning into some BRAINLESS FUCKING attack dog over drama that DIDN'T exist before you brought it. You have only yourself and your fucked line of thinking and assuming shit to blame for the end of this. THINK for yourself before you attack. Don't assume shit because you don't know me anymore. You know NOTHING about my friends and my situation. I tell you bits and pieces because honestly you never are around like her. So i'm not going to tell you about my personal heartbreaks over friends and family when you only care when it's convient. Just like your big sis.

I wish i didn't feel this angry and hateful towards you because you have been a good friend to me through many things. But I can't take anymore people attacking me over shit they imagined in their heads. I can't take people assuming and judging first and then days weeks months later decide oh wait it's not what i assumed. FUCK THAT. i deserve better. and if you were in your right mind you would tell me i deserved better.

you know since you decided to avoid me and be an overgrown child about this i have no choice but to use emotional warfare and gut this friendship so you don't ever want anything to do with me. because from now on i can't have anymore to do with you. i'm slowing opening myself up to another life. and i wanted you to be there for my good times and my successes like i wanted to be there for yours. but i can't have friends who thoughtlessly attack me over shit that they can't comprehend.

you decided to hang on to the friendship you had with her. take the bullshit and the good parts. the bullshit was too much for me and so i ripped myself away from it. and now that i see the bullshit that is coming from you it's not worth it. and i'm ripping myself away. you have your "roomies" and Liz and Torbi and whoever else you've attached yourself to. you obviously never were my friend. i was just scraps just something to talk to and complain to until you had your golden friend back. well now you have her back you don't fucking need me anymore.

i wish i would've had the fucking nuts to jump a week ago. i wouldn't have to live through another dead friendship. shit. i don't need this on top of everything else. fuck you and your bullshit. and fuck her for probably sending you to attack me because she might not have nuts to attack me herself. you know what you can have her and the wonderful leeching lifestyle you continue to have. and i will just keep myself to myself.

i hate you for doing this to me. i honestly didn't need more shit piled on me. especially not from someone i actually cared and trusted.

get the fuck out of my life and don't let the door hit you on the way out.

T__T

you don't know me at all yet i know you very well

Just by reading my thoughts on my blog one (sane person) can't possibly think they understand me. I can believe that there has been an enlightenment but not a total understanding of who I am. Though I'll admit it does seem like a good line to use on a mentally troubled girl. Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder are NOT things people "go through" that is how they are -___- it's like Jazz if you don't get it what the fuck is the point of explaining it because you'll never get it...
Onward to more important things then trying to explain myself. Because I really don't think I have to this person or the world. If people don't want to waste the time getting to know me then fuck them. It's hard enough explaining it the first time in general terms. Though I'm sure he meant well by reading my blog and going through all of my private links I doubt he really understands me at all.
He hasn't changed at all. He keeps making these claims that he is. At least he did now we don't even look at each other. The last things he texted me was how he was going to be pissed at me for a very long time after my refusal to take him back. After he dumped me over BULLSHIT. Saying I screwed him out of a second chance. FUCK THAT. He is the jackass that has time and again treated me with utter disrespect and insanity. FUCK that. I had tried to understand his utter lack of understanding who I am. Tried to tolerate the jealousy, the crazy online stalking, the mean piggish whore/madonna complex he has. Couldn't let myself get dragged through another round of just awful behaviour. Honestly if he was as cool and amazing as when I first became interested in him things would've gone differently...
I just doubt he will change at all because he was "changing" to keep me. Not because he recognized that he was batshit insane and had major issues that he let fester inside him for decades. The fact that he admitted that the only reason he was going back to school was in a feeble attempt to impress my mom in the future when he might have met her. It's like he honestly doesn't want to better himself because he needs to for his own good. Not to impress anybody. And I think I tried to explain that to him that the last time we spoke but it's not like he listened. ~_~ bleh. I know this was a couple weeks ago but I feel I need to purge all the thoughts of him so that I can move on. I've been trying to justify why he behaved the way he did. Tried to regain the image I use to have of him but I just don't care anymore.
I took my math placement test a couple days ago and I tested for a prealgebra class. I'm pissed at myself because if I had been studying harder instead of wasting my time with him and people in generally I would be prepared for a real college algebra course. People and men specifically are a monumental waste of time and energy and forgiveness. Twisted little dick-centric children. >_< So I guess this will hopefully teach me to never deal with asshole men which is just really men. There are no asshole-free men out there. Just some that are better at pretending they are decent. It might takes weeks, months, or even years but eventually that little persona of decency will slip and show the inner asshole.
I'm so emotionally battered over the last three "relationships" I have had. Fucking people ripping me apart and leaving me for dead and then blaming me when all I want is to pick up the tiny little pieces and heal myself the best I can. Fuck 'em all. seriously. Nobody wants to be with me just some ideal of me or some imaginary woman in their head they think I represent.

Puck- crawling back after making the biggest mistake in his life. He knows he fucked up so bad that he can't hope to get another chance with somebody like me. I think I was the best girlfriend he ever had and probably will have for a long time. Though things for the last 6 months have been tough at best there has been glimmers of how good things use to be. We use to be the golden couple everyone looked to. And I kinda want to find somebody to be golden with again. But who the fuck would that be??? My imaginary friends? Book, Movie, Tv show characters?? :'(

K- with her inability to accept when people run away and why they do so. I won't tell her what's wrong with her because if she is too fucking lazy to go over her little failures of relationships and actually pick apart what she is doing wrong then I'm too lazy to tell her what's missing.

H- so much to say but honestly it came down to fact that he has a horrible whore/madonna complex coupled with the fact that he has already decided his life is over. Which I don't know what is worst. And what seems to be this need to have a woman save and define him which is odd because he treats women like they are what's wrong with his life. Fuck it. I don't know. I get this feeling that while things are rough for him whereever he is staying and the rides he is getting to and from work. That he won't really do much about it until once again he is forced to make a change. Which now I'm out of the picture I wonder who will push him to make himself better. Who knows. Who cares.

Both K and H REFUSE to change for the betterment of their living situation and to make their lifes a happier more productive one so why should I fucking putting in all the effort to be their cheerleader and counselor when they won't do shit for themselves.


I need to take a bath to feel better, then a shower and a small jog followed by some upside down situps and possibly some weight training. Starting in May at the latest I WILL be doing a regular fitness routine. I'm SICK of being fat and gross.

i hope that tomorrow will be better. I am going to try and not dwell on this bullshit anymore because I've seen how destructive it is for my own well being to worry about people who are lost causes.


later

stand aside citizens

i am apparantly the carwreck of life that people around me can't help but rubberneck and feel sorry for.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x9zpd7_counting-crows-catapult_music

I wonder whether they feel sorry because they care or because it makes them appear to care. it's just so much BS

So much rejection in every connection i make

To my darling

My Dearest Darling,
I've cried, I've pleaded, I've talked to, I've explained stuff to, I've gotten angry, I've been depressed. I feel like I can't deal anymore. I'm not who you want. The mystic idea of some perfect woman is what you really want. Not me, not the real me. I can't please anybody, especially not you. When I'm open and talk it means nothing. In fact it usually means I'm guilty of some horrific crime. Yes, I fuck up. I'm human. I make mistakes. I guess next time I'll try to be a Vulcan. I miss you, I like you, I need you at times. I want the relationship to work. I want a million amazing things with you. But the fact you feel so wounded and so jealous over the most MICRO of things is the very definition of INSANITY.

I can't get texts from anybody
I can't hang out with anybody
I can't talk to anybody
I can't look at anybody
I can't have friends
I can't be myself

Without being guilty of being a whore, a cheater, a wanderer, being bored with you, being interested in somebody else

I am guilty of something based off of the fan pages and groups I join. Are we SERIOUS???? Are you KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!

I am tired of this. I care for you more then you'll ever freaking take or admit to yourself. Probably because it'll mean you'll actually have to treat me without jealousy, or as a possession or with the tiniest micron of respect. I've heard you talk and talk and talk about hating being jealous and doubting stuff and triple guessing every move. But I don't see you working on it. I don't see you trying. Tell me you have tried and honestly tried and tell me when. Tell me the dates, the times, the situation. TELL ME. You keep it to yourself for a few days maybe a week and then you EXPLODE in the biggest fit of insanity. And the reasons that you get suspicious and jealous are getting more and more insane to the point where I worry for your sanity.

I have friends. I have a social life. I don't know what more you want. I will NOT be your emotional slave. But I WILL be your girlfriend and maybe in a few years if things are great maybe your fiance and maybe a couple years after that your wife. I want to work this out but if you continue to be a pigheaded jealous JERK then I'm going to dump you! That isn't to say I'll feel shitty about it. But I can't stay with somebody who spies on my tiniest movements. Bleh. Do whatever you want. And decide whatever you want. I won't fucking stand to being treated like this for much longer. Stop the assholery or i will freaking leave you.

You thought I was cold and mean before, you haven't seen anything. The arctic circle will seem like the fucking majave compared to how I'll be treating you. Get it together or deal with the consequences.

I love you. I really do. But this has got to stop.

i am in heat i'm convinced

this guy is alot 11 older then me and i can't stop thinking about him and the sluttest things cross my mind. right now i'm just horny and i'm not thinking about the consequences. believe me i'll be posting several emotastic posts on that . but right now i'm just lusting hard. and i'm just going to write about lust. guilt will hit me like a ton of bricks in the FACE tomorrow. but tonight i'm going to think about the things i want to do to him. all the things that shouldn't be read by the elderly, young, or sensible or faint of heart.


I want to devour him completely. I want him to groan against my mouth just at the taste of my lips. I like his lips they are so soft and warm. I love the way his tongue took over my mouth. I just want that again. I just want to devour his mouth and neck with my teeth lips. I want to bounce on his dick while he bites one of my nipples and devours my other breasts with his giant hand twist my nipples so hard they are bruised and sore i want fingerprints bruises on them as well. I want to run my hands through his damp hair and fuck him until he is so spent there isn't any thoughts or doubts or panic.

oh geez i need to take care of this problem myself before it gets out of hand in real life.

There are worse things than being alone

here are a couple little blogs i wrote on my ipod

Jan 10
"Ah, angst how it flavors life."

I've come to realize it's both inescapeable and irresistable. Nothing better then not being able to get with the one person who doesn't even register you as more then a buddy. Or they want you but

1. Can't figure out how to express themselves

2. Taken but is slightly interested

2.a Taken but is (or partner is) strongly religious and doesn't want to sin outside a relationship

or marriage

2.b Taken and miserable but won't break up/divorce/call off marriage because it's all they've

known for years or the person they are with provide some sort of emotional or money crutch

3. Can't bear to lose you as a buddy after you turn out to not be a great pick as a bf/gf

4. Strongly denies interest because they refuse to come out of their closet because of being in a state of denial.


i'm hopeful as much as i can take but it doesn't seem hopeful at this point in time.

words

i just love how when i say something during a conversation he denies my words and pretends the conversation never even existed. i hate that shit where he tries to make me seem like i'm a crazy bitch when i am not. he simply puts words in my mouth that WEREN'T there in the first fucking place. he is a cunt and he knows what he is doing full well. and then he fucking tells me it's because i'm tired that i don't remember. FUCK HIM. I don't give a fuck what he says about it. To win a fucking petty argument he pulls up BULLSHIT and then pretends that i just can't remember a fucking made up conversation. or one that he pretends we never have. how FUCKING CONVIENT for him. I seriously fucking hate him. I'm going to be glad when I have my shit together...

doctor who dreams

i had hours of euphoria upon awaking yesterday. i only remember fragments of it sadly because if i could i would dream the dream every night for a while. i was with the good doctor and we were strolling/running around hand in hand not sure why. but it was the doctor he is always running around as if he couldn't just go back in time a little and such. :P well at any rate i believe we were out someplace green and shaded and warm with a cool breeze. he had been babbling on and on about his silly stuff. and i just had the sudden urge to kiss him. we had been kinda swinging hands and as his hand swung up i stopped it and kissed the inside of his wrist a couple times. he had a trace of pleasure on his face for a nanosecond and then shock. "why would you do that?" he demanded in a faintly wounded way. i spoke firmly and sweetly, "because i would rather ask forgiveness and things be a little awkward for awhile then be filled with regret that i never showed you the love or affection that i feel for you" he swallowed hard a few times and his eyes misted slightly. i spoke again, "you're dying and i wanted-" he interjected, "i'm not completely dying i'm going to regenerate" and i felt my throat turn into a knot, "i know theta sigma but i need you to know you this incarnation." he just yanked me close and all of a sudden his hands were wrapping me up into the tightest warmest hug and kissed me in a fragile sort of way. He looked relieved and sad at the same time. i whispered "i think that is your problem doctor." he looked confused, i continued "you have two hearts and you love with both of them and that is twice as much as most people and species." he began to argue but i put a hand up onto his lips. he kissed my fingertips and then my lips.

the dream dissolved into me just hanging out with him and it just made me happy. i know it sounds like garbage and romance novelish but it made me feel like i was able to let him know through words and probably thoughts that there are so many reasons for him to be loveable. i just want him to know that he can be happy too. that it's okay. but i'm a hopeless loser. i find dreams about doctor who calming and euphoric. he makes me feel safe and we are kindred spirits of some sorts. i love him more then i should because he isn't real but oh well... goodnight sweet world i am off to go dream more doctor who stuff :D