*sigh* The thrift store?! My painting I spent so much effort, so much worry, so many sleepless nights on. It's hard to feel that the placement is a critique on my skill. doesn't matter. i'm really sad about it though. I wish there would have been a little more erm consideration as to the places.... Why a thrift store? Albiet it's a PTA thrift store but still. I'm going off to pout.....

Puck! it's been several days that his has been here. He told me that he didn't want to leave. There is no reason to think otherwise. He doesn't know whether he'll graduate in May or June. It'll be too long either way. I'm being a little unfair about it all. Sometimes i get the feeling that I'm being perfectly fair about it. I can't imagine a life here without him. So perhaps being stranded in a city of cold metallic glares is unfair. But he has become braver then I expected. Then combination of his shyness and this recent bravery is a little unreal. The first night he was here we couldn't fall asleep for fear of our meeting being a dream. It's hard to think of him as anything else but a dream. It's too unobtainable, too fragile, amazing. How could one, like me, deserve somebody so wholly wonderful. Here's a picture of him on my bed.
Hehe. He's so adorable and innocent looking. But not innocent at all. Hard not to think of him as delicate, fragile. He is. But he's tough, determined, loyal, devoted. My better half. he took this picture on the first day he was here. it's clumsy but artsy.

this second picture of us is cute. he's peeking over me. hehe. i love him!!

Lots of pictures to be posted. more in a few days. We are off to the beach tomorrow. it's nice to just be able to take off. Off to play in the surf, sand, and (hopefully) sun. We should be back in time for bed. heh. I'm being called by my love.... *grins*

linkage!!! okay everybody. check out what looks good. i got a little carried away. i get that way when i figure something out about making/building a blog/webpage. anyway.
tomorrow is the last day of school for him and i'm hoping very very selfishly that he'd start wednesday evening. but that is stupid. he needs an evening of rest before the gets started on thursday hopefully or maybe friday afternoon if he needs his sleep. I'm working Thursday night. sigh. money. i fucking hate money. yeah. i have a 5-9 that night but... who knows.... they might try and keep me until abit later if it's crazy, never can tell with amante's. last saturday was dead to the world but on sunday it was packed from 5-10:30. jesus that night i was making one order after another after another. But it would be wonderful if i was working and then... he walked in. I would squeak and jump on him. That would be wonderful. he'd order a pizza and drive me home.... hehe.

My very bones feels like feathers. The wind today caressed my body so tenderly and I couldn't help imagine how he will caress my features like an angel- light airy barely there but something etheral. And at every moment free of the silly thing forced upon us all- work- I'm constructing our tiny visit- a breath of warmth in this cold metallic concrete place. He's holding my hand now- I imagine as i stroll alone through the most stunning spring day- and talking of the day that lay out before us like some strange land yet to be discovered. He'd give me a quick kiss on the cheek when i begin to make off colored comments. Giggling we'd grab lunch at Weaver Street Market and sit outside and watch the hippies play guitar and gather about at random. Studying how everyone seems so inter-connected here. Lounging we'd talk about everything and nothing. Then, like a leaf on the wind we'd glide away. Away to a place only we'd know. Oh! how it feels as though I drift above the ground. The pavement doesn't exist right now. Ah, to be with him, *dreamy sigh* my love....

This the last shot. last few days afore he comes this way. 3 days. Friday he'll be taking off. maybe sometime late Saturday or even early sunday he will arrive. The plan's shifted and in the words of jim carrey liar liar:

Fletcher: You - -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?
Motorpool Guy: what?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya?

sigh. yeah, i have. but dispite the urge to piss and moan like an impotent jerk i'm excited. 3 days. It's too good to be true. he's what I've wanted. He's my best friend. truly.

Why do I do, just as you say
Why must I just, give you your way
Why do I sigh, why don't I try - to forget

It must have been, that something lovers call fate
Kept me saying: "i have to wait"
I saw them all, just couldn't fall - `til we met
It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found - the somebody who
Could make me be true, and could make me be blue
And even be glad, just to be sad - thinking of you

Some others I've seen, might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else, gave me a thrill - with all your faults,
I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you

I love frank. I'm silly like that. I like Harry Connick Jr.'s version of the song better though. Harry's voice is the best. I listen to him when I'm heartsick. alright. i must go live life for a little while.

everybody- Andy the incredible photographer. check out his photos or die. I love his photos. he really does a great job.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/19068099@N00/

sigh. he doesn't want to hurt me. i know he won't do it on purpose. he called me his honey. yay. i'm giddy and deranged. dream of him and wake in a blurred memory. a memory that doesn't exist yet. the smell of his skin and the side of the bed still warm from his body laying there.

vulnerable and scared
shivering against it all
heart given and taken
will it be hurt?
will i leave this place bruised?
with love so powerful and true
intentions never would be so cruel
lingers of doubts
inside me shout
with a roar stronger then the ocean wave
for you i'd save
the last bit of love,
the last tear of sadness
and above it all the last whisper of admiration


alright it's 8 days away. and the closer it gets the less sleep i get. i'm tossing and rolling and staring at the way the lamppost out side filter little lit lines in my ceiling. thinking in poetry, talking in song. the very breath i take seems to whisper a promise. nerves are edged and thoughts race. daily grind grinds away none of this. this is harder for me then i thought. i'm caught with the thoughts of him all day long. passing the time and feeling as though i was suppose to wait. that this was suppose to build into an undertow and excited whispers, jumbled feelings, and these unspoken thoughts:
will he like me? of course, he loves me. but he's never met me, all the more reason to believe in his love. will he kiss me? of course, he will. but isn't there something to be said about not knowing one another face to face? sure there is, but there is a lot of shit said. do you believe it all. no. most it is white wash anyway. so why the edgy feelings? `cause maybe he won't like me in person. that's stupid. what's not to love? i don't know. my body's awkward looking. now you're talking like you did when you were 13. there's nothing wrong with your body. what if he changes his mind about coming? why would he do that. well i don't know i'm nervous. i want to please him. you do. okay, but. . . just breathe. he'll be here soon. don't worry about monday. monday will be beautiful. it'll all be awkward at first. but awkward in the best sort of way....
i'm not crazy. everyone talks to themselves. i do it most of the time when i'm not talking to mouse or him. there isn't anybody else to really talk to. a little lonely but not crazy. or myabe crazy in all the best ways.

alright. 9 days. why be a baby about it all. i might see him this summer. might. for a week. he isn't mine to have. he has family. work. things of that nature. i'm not going to act sore about it. right? i'm seeing him for 3 days. hopefully. okay. i'm being silly. i think i let my hopes get up about him. he didn't promise anything. and i AM being sore about it. damn it. i'm going to stop this selfish thought. he's sacrificing alot to come out here. so i need to can it. he loves me. that is more then i was ever hoping for. i'm going to cherish him. more then he's ever been cherished. give him all the love i have and wait for his next embrace. it isn't a good bye when he leaves. it's a see you at a later time. i'm going home to paint pictures of us in love. us sharing a long waited kiss. us holding the other with a love that is beyond love. he is my friend. he's never mentioned anything more. so i must realize that while he will always have my heart that may not be his intention. i don't want to scare away what i have. and he gives so much that i'd be happy if that is all he ever wants of me. he loves his friends well. it's a admirable thing. such an expression from one so quiet. it's an honor. it truly is.

I will never bother you I will never promise to I will never follow you I will never bother you Never speak a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put in to this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to feel Pain [3x] You Know your Right [3x] I'm so warm and calm inside I no longer have to hide Let’s talk about someone else Steaming soup against her mouth Nothing really bothers her She just wants to love herself I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew to come like this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to feel Pain


not feeling well. not at all.

Here's the newest poem in the puck inspired collection

13 days of waiting and whining
in this girlish way of pining
the light pale and lackluster
and in my mind your voice clusters
every sigh and moan
the soft edged tone
in the way you say you love me
it's a whispered key
to a heart that you know
like a page knows a book

Earth angel,
Earth angel
Will you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with you
Earth angel
Earth angel
The one I adore
Love you foreve
rAnd ever more
I’m just a fool,
A fool in-love with you
I fell for youA
nd I knew
The vision of your lovliness
I hope and I pray,
That someday,
I’ll be the vision of your
Happiness
Earth angel,
Earth angel
Please you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with youI fell for you
And I knew
The vision of your lovliness
I hope and I pray,
That someday,
I’ll be the vision of your
Happiness
Earth angel,
Earth angel
Please you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with you

I'm back. Poems. Ahh, the delicate, intricate desires of a fragile girl. Lmao. or just how woman feels. I'd like to think I'm not a fragile girl that I'm growing into a powerful woman. Who knows. No one can really read their daily progress towards maturity. Anyway. Work today was aweful. I've been stricken with some mystery illness. Again. I can hardly hear, breathe, think, speak, move. Grr. Here is something I wrote while i was at work. Bored and on my little thiry minute break. I truly don't understand how I got through today. I'm just proud that I didn't complain and I did my best. I have a problem with being too whiney. anyway.
Here it is:

"Puck"
the 2am talk
whispered in the dark
hearing the subtle contextual things in his voice
I could just see the way,
he blushes and tosses his gaze
down, down onto some thing not quite there
soft sultry words wrap my soul
in the undenyable warmth and love of his voice
can't contain the words
that came tumbling out
the ones we're fumbling about
like all so many secrets meant to be kept
inside us both, love, always slept
though we hid it well
we didn't hide it at all
like a snap of stray light
it hits us both
always there, hidden in plain sight
this time there's no struggle
just a blurred clarity
and a mid-air jumble
a hurried barely audible exchange
then the line shuts close
and there's a silence so loud
that it seemed to swallow the empty room I'm in.

okay 14 days. I'm not really crazy. I'm just acting a very convincing stalker creepy clingy chick. I'm not this stupid. Right? Okay maybe I am. Who cares!

Puck.
What can more can I say?
What can't be said?

It's all a crazy circus over here. Working hard and little play time. I'm counting the days and crossing my fingers. I feel so silly. I know I've been silly over boys before so it's really nothing new. I fear I'm dreaming up this interaction. That it's purely my invention. That in the morning there will be nothing more and nothing less then it was before. the days are taking too long to end these days. Things have changed for the best. I can feel it. How do I explain all the things I feel about him. All the things that have grown. He's my best friend, confidant, guy-I've-had-a-thing-for-going-on-2-years, and generally speaking my right hand man. It stuns me we've only known one another two years. I've never been close to guys. (My ex is an exception. I got close to him. And I was badly burned.) I'm absolutely silly about him. It's really hard to explain to him or to this internet niche for my thoughts how my thoughts of him have changed. It's shifted from a silly little internet crush to something truly wonderful. I can't help but feel as though the very air is touched with this warmth I didn't notice before. He has always been able to pull me out of any funk. I have no clue how he's always done it. His visit is going to be a turning point for sure. there already has been turning points lately. Not sure if he'll admit to them. How could anyone want anything more then him? Expect anything less? He's a darling, my angel, and makes me into a damn fool. But I love him with every fiber of my being. Which isn't creepy. It just is. I'm tired. I should be getting up early tomorrow so. I'll leave this as is

I am
A little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars

I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I
Let go watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause
You are all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
Time won't takethis damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But I've never had a doubt
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
So I
Let go
Watching you Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got(got)(got)(got)(got)(got)
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored
Time won't take this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored
Noooo! Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored!
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on
won't be ignored
Time won't take
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored..

I was cybering with a friend, I want to work things out with Scarlet but it's hard. I'm over it but not. gah. i'm not cheating, just exploring my options. It was amazing though. I'm not going to display the conversation. It was very long and took place over five hours. The sexual part took part in the last hour and a half. I'm not sure what I'm still doing in this relationship.

I'm hoping to get involved with her, it's awkward though. I don't even know her; I'm not her friend, we've never hung out. I can barely talk to her though. She's smooth, laid back, and carries herself with a grace. I don't know how much older she is but I know how young I am. I'm not even legal. (I don't understand why it's random when I'm attracted to females.) I want to know her, be there when she isn't on shift, go on long walks talking about nothing/everything, hang out at bars, go hiking, rock climbing, rafting, exploring, to watch games with her.

later

GAH! I made out with him. Things escatlated, I needed him to be there. I feel like and idiot. I'm alright I think. I'm a little rickety due to my female issues. But I think I'll cope.

And. With more sad news. She's straight. But that's good. I think it would not be something I should mess with- another sexually crashed interaction. Anyway. I'm going to post later.

namaste

Talks with the bf. sigh. i think i'm going to fix things up and see where things go. Who knows.

relationship-

1. a penile and clitoral ring on either end of a convenience chain.

2. an osmosis of bad moods.

3. what most rap artists claim in verse to avoid at all cost, yet can rarely afford to live without financially.

sex-
an act which one never has to admit to unless it’s caught on video tape, or on plus-sized blue rayon.

ex-boyfriend

1. a stalker; one who stalks.

2. a man incapable of telling small lies with a straight face.

3. a man who expects everything about his relationship to a woman will stay exactly the same following a sudden and inexplicable discontinuation of all sexual activity with her; a victim.

lie

1. to utter something untrue; as the Master teaches us, lies come in many levels: fib, white lie, lie, out and out lie, damn lie, goddamn lie, and statistics.

2. to speak about one’s career.

3. to speak to one’s lover.

love

descriptive n, a state of perpetual apology; enfeebled.

sane

1. recently fallen out of love.

2. characterized by the ability to foresee and understand cause and effect, like jumping off a building leading to death and denying the existence of God leading to happy and restful nights.

It's hard to think about how much I've altered our relationship. Why is it so hard to get along now. How can he get so full of himself. So scared of himself of how he interacts with that he blames his stress on ME. Pushing his fears on ME! Alright. I'm going to watch Ocean's Eleven and pig out on popcorn.

namaste

Paris.

That's all for now. One perfect word. One perfect city. I'm going in May. For two weeks. I may go there forever after this initial visit. USA is not where I want to be. There are job opportunities in Paris. But I must decide if that is where I want to be. Forever. Truly. I'm so excited I can't wait. May is too far away.