sleepyhead

i downed six sleeping pills and slept 15 hours. i wonder if i just finished the package off how long i'd sleep. i'm planning on buying a couple packages of sleeping pills for the vacation. So I don't have to interact with anyone. sleep the time away. it's the only idea i have of being alone and fulfilling my obligation of going on this fucking thing. i don't want to go. i know that this is just a chance for her and her boyfriend to see each other. i know i will not exist on this vacation. i know there is no reason to hope that i will exist after this vacation. i don't give a fuck if i'm annoying her right now. she abandons her friends and her animals. i have not decided what to do. but it's to the point where i just want to down a package of sleeping pills and a cup of vodka. i don't care anymore about keeping up appearances. i don't care if i'm being annoying. i don't care about taking care of someone elses pets and food. she can go with who she wants. but she doesn't that if she doesn't show for a simple birthday that she will be cut out of two peoples lives. what she doesn't know will hurt her.

i'm sick and tired of living.
i'm sick and tired of being ignored by everybody
i'm just sick
and tired
all the time
who cares
who cares

i don't
not anymore

not anymore
i have two people to live for. and even then i do not know if i can live for them.

travis and david


travis-
i feel like such a lousy sister. like i should be giving/doing more. i don't know what i should be doing. but i feel like no matter what i do from here on out that i will never be a good enough sister to you. it's like i'm trying to run a million miles and you are always a million and one miles away.

david-
you know i love you. you know i don't/can't love anyone else besides you. you opened me up. made me feel. why am i so numb right now? you make me feel warm and open and vulnerable and it terrifies the shit out of me. but something comples me to stay with it. even when i'm scared the most. i don't want to leave you all alone.

i love the both of you guys. i always will. regardless of any stupid actions i take against myself.

and i love you poppa.

i think i was the only girl in your life that got your humor. got you. and i love you for everything you are to me. thank you for being you.

i love you.

i'm going to go now. i feel too sleepy to stay awake.

night

the beginning of the end

it's been a shitty week for me. i've had a hard week at work. i've been feeling like shit and i don't know what to do anymore. i am lost. and lost more then i have been. i can't find any use to live. i just wake up make my meager wages and come home and cook after working nine hours. i honestly don't see why i should just keep on the way i am. sometimes the depression is so bad i feel like i can't even get out of bed. like i just want to shoot myself in the face. like i want to just jump from the balcony with a rope tied to it so i'll break my neck on the way down. i've been to therapist after therapist. i've tried everything. meditation, herbs, dancing, playing instruments, talking about it, and talking, and talking. i am tired of talking. tired of throwing my money away at a therapist who doesn't fucking know or cares. i would like out. now.not tomorrow. tomorrow we'll go to the beach. next month we'll relax. next year we'll take a break. fuck that. fuck this life. and fuck that shit. i've had it. i'm done. i dunno. i just want a break, i need a break. i can't do this anymore. when i was younger. i saw how miserable adulthood was. and i prayed that i'd get cancer, get in a crash, get tb, break my neck falling out of a tree, snap my neck. something. anything to avoid that drudgry called adulthood. that pathetic excuse of an existence called adulthood. that pack of lies called adulthood. my folks use to say adulthood is fun. yeah sure. is what i'd say. "between bills, taxes, raising brats that hate you, working 40plus hours, and lousy meaningless relationships. i don't see how i want to be a kid." that is exactly what i'd tell them. and my mom would call me a drama queen and my dad would remain silent or chuckle quietly.
yeah. i'm the crazy one. adulthood is a 70 year bane. it is a 70 year curse. and i hope to fucking god i fall down the stairs and break my neck or get killed in a sidedoor car crash. because i'm not looking forward to 70 more years of this bs. if my life could be david, and being able to live completely off the earth and build our own home. i would. i won't be telling my family when i move. i'm writing a will so as that they will NOT be notified of my death. i am fucking spent and need my boxcutter. i hid one in the cabinet where it's in plain sight. i sit there in the bathroom playing with it. slicing little random tiny scratches on my legs. i want a dremel so i can slice my thighs and shoulders wide open. so i can feel the gaping wound so i could cake shirts and pants with my blood.




sometimes.
people don't think before they talk. things that get said and misunderstood. and sometimes words can kill.


and
sometimes.
all
i
need
is to feel safe.


to be held.


nobody knows me. they can't assume that.

i don't assume i know anyone. not even dave

for sometimes he says or looks at me in a way that
i'm fairly sure says- i hate you. get away.

sometimes when he says mean things to me. i want to cut him. make him hurt back. i'm not psycho for thinking that. i just don't like being kicked when i'm vulnerable.
and something about him.
makes me so
very
vulnerable.
and i hate it. it scares the living shit out of me.
but it's so comforting.
like a cold moth needing the flame. knowing it's doom but unable to steer itself away from it.

night.
work awaits me when i open my eyes next.

take care of yourself.
don't worry about me.


you know who you are.

night.

http://s6.bitefight.org/c.php?uid=39666

check it out...

mother's day

what can be said. i just don't feel like talking to her. i just can't tolerate her. and it's not as though she loves, likes, or cares about me. I sent her two cards one for her birthday and one for mother's day. i couldn't really say anything inside. i mean what am i suppose to say to her. anything i say is wrong. whatever i say isn't enough or right.

happy mothers day.

to a mom i never loved or particularly liked

to a mom who abandoned and beat me

to a mom who kept me fed for 8 months until i could get adopted like i was a stray kitten left on the side of the road in a box...

lost lost lost

i don't believe i have a place in life anymore. i just don't know what the hell i'm doing anymore... Work is slashing hours like friggin nuts. i don't know if i have the energy to get another job. There has been so much yet not much going on. I still live where I've been living for the last year. it has really been a friggin year... it's really unbelieveable. I don't know where to begin. I wish that I still practiced my guitar as I use to. I'm more and more isoleted from everything. Since I asked my parents for help and their scathing reply I haven't said more then a paragraph of words back and forth with them. I don't see a reason to bother anymore. They have to make up their fucking minds.... I have decided to make up mine. I won't be telling them I'm leaving for Kansas and I doubt that I'll be inviting them to the wedding. They have no fucking clue who I am and judge me on who I was at 14. I'm okay with that. Just as long as they know that I won't be including them with anything good that comes my way... They are supposedly helping my brother Travis out... Giving him the nice mustang, an apartment, a job, and generally helping him out... I am glad that he is going to be taken care of. I just don't trust that they'll actually follow through and help him out.
As far as friends go, i just have maus left. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her and be by her side. I wish I was considered a friend... I don't mind being little sister; but I feel that I fail her. I don't think I'm good enough. I just don't think I'm worth her time. It's been hard since her break up.I want to make it better or something... I just feel like a hopeless mess. I don't think I deserve her kindness. I want to be here but Puck is wanting to go home. I feel torn apart. If I move I'm afraid I'll leave her and my brother lonely. But if I stay here I lose Puck. So I guess I have decide who I want to lose... Because, I wish that I could say that everyone involved would actually keep up with each other... But would it happen?
Puck. What is there to say? He's a catch... But is he catching me or am I catching him. I feel like a burden to him. I can't help being stupid and emotionally crippled sometimes. Again, I feel that I am not that great of a friend or girlfriend. I am crazy about him but I just don't feel that I deserve him. He works hard all the time, I feel so lazy and uninteresting. His family and friends miss and love him. He's a good friend, brother, husband, son, and future father. I just can't see me being a good match for him. I feel I just drag my friends down. That they'd be better off without me around making things harder.
I have considered getting a gun or finding a gun at a friends house and just ending it. I just can't see myself being a worthwhile person. I just don't understand why my friend and my boyfriend haven't left me alone. Is it just because I'm just a familiar face and tolerable? I don't know. I just don't know how much better off my friend and my boyfriend would be if I never came into their lives. Puck says I make him happy and that he doesn't care about my issues. But, I'm not good enough. I just can't be good enough. And my friend would be better off without me around any more. I tried choking myself several times this last week. I think maybe it'd be better this way... I think I should just jump off a bridge tonight. I just think I should. I think I might. I think I might.

i have been feeling so withdrawn lately. I am tired all of the time and when I get sleep it just never seems that great. My really bad nightmares have come back and I had trouble not jumping at noise lately. I thought david was my dad a couple times and I am worrying about myself. It seems to go and come. Sometimes I think it's getting worse but sometimes I think I'll be okay and that it's just a silly side effect. i'm considering cutting again. and i think i'm going to cut myself off from a friend i've been close to for a while. i just don't have anything more to say. i just don't know what i should do. i'll write more later.

i'm not sure how i'm going to save for a car or even cell phone (iphone). when i'm using last bit of energy and money to keep us fed and taken care of. we don't have rent again and i have no clue what the fuck is going to go down. puck was suppose to call and get this taken care of days ago. i can't possibly ask him again as i don't want a confrontation. i told him today that i want to go out and have fun tonight. and he said, "what about all those things you want to save for?". i just shrugged. it'll be years and years before i have enough of anything to spend on anything but what i need. i'm thinking about cutting again. and i'm considering going ahead and doing so when he goes to sleep. i'm caught between so many things and unless money falls from heaven they won't be happening soon. i'm thinking about killing myself... i don't know why i'm even bothering to live anymore. i'm tired. i slept all day and feel like shit. i want to achieve but i believe that i have no chance. more another day.

shadow

Lately for some bizarre reason. I went from noticing women... to NOTICING women. Beautiful women everywhere. I feel like I'm a 16 yr old boy. Gay women. Straight women. Women who drag as men. Women who flirt too hard. Women are amazing and I'm amazed that I have been so oblivious to them before. It's getting to be hard to not go after one of them. Everytime I see one I like I start fanatizing about stripping their clothes off and eating them out. I can't get it out of my head. I daydream at work. I dream about it when I'm sleep. I think about it when I'm showering. I even once thought of it when me and puck were fucking. It's inside my head and I can't get them out. They are always there always wanting me to get them.

*sweats* I am actually sweating thinking about women right now. I want one so bad I can taste it...

Okay. I'm getting off.... the computer and going to do something better with my time..;) like getting off...:P okay *deep breath* the urge to write about these things were too strong. I went to the library because I feel so embarrassed about typing it at home.

shadow.

i don't know what's going on lately. the patch was suppose to help and maybe it is. but i've been so depressed lately. today i just didn't want to eat. but i am kinda hungry. but i don't know. i don't really want food. but i do. and i'm kinda dizzy but i think it's because of not eating... i think the metal taste is there because i've not eaten too.. i mean i've tasted pennies before and not had the patch on... so maybe it's just fine. and my legs are just being stupid. i'll be fine. ppl are goofy. i'll wait until my legs want to fall off and it tastes like a bucket of pennies are in my mouth...


yeah...
that's a good plan
whoooo hello wheelchair... goodbye walking...

what use am i to anyone anyway. my mom's right. i can't hold a job. i suck at relationships. i am a piece of crap. i can't even be a good friend. i might as well just leave. and not bother anyone anymore. i might as well just kill myself.

existance... to be or not to be at all

it's been too much lately. we went down to the office today and the one of the options to cut the lease #1 is to 2,200. The other option is to pay the rest of rent 4,400 dollars. We can't do either really. I'm just now on getting to looking at getting a new job. I'm tired of crying, tired of working, tired of being around him somedays. i just want to cut it all off. i just want to stop existing. i wish i could take everything good and bad i did back. so i don't such a mess on my hands. i just wish i could not exist. it's such a stupid shallow thing to think. much love to who is reading.

shannon

This is my week in NC and I couldn't want all those days I spent here back. I am already so homesick. I want my old bed back. my old stuff. My friends. my laugh. my smile. they left me a while ago. i'll write more later.

only the bestest starwars light saber gag ever! no seriously i love a good lightsaber fight...

Oasis Videos | Music Video Codes | Columbus Lofts

where was i while everyone else was getting high?

I've been wondering about how I've shut myself away from everyone else.
I've been in chapel hill 11 months- almost a year and I've no friends. And while that usually doesn't bother me... I have to wonder. Why didn't I let myself go out and be a human. I've noticed since the romance I've trapped myself. I've slipped further back in my progression as a mature person. I think my Sickness is progressing. I think I'm driving myself to insanity.

someday you'll find me trapped beneath the landslide

I'm caught between pushing him away and continuing to fuck myself over.
And letting go. Trusting. I've never trusted anyone. Anyone. I've started to trust him the last 6 months. Now with the leaving of NC I'm doubting everything. Everything. My existence, My purpose, My being lovable, My worth....

People In Planes Videos | Music Code | Columbus MLS

it's okay to be safe

I don't feel safe. I can't feel safe or I'll be cut to pieces. I can't breathe. I can't be open. I can't saved him. I can't be saved by anyone but me.


i'm losing control falling by the wayside

I'm so scared. I'm wanting to just fail. Just to prove them right. So they could whisper about how fucked and pathetic I was. How my brain was whacked and that's why I did it.

I'm going now.


I hope I don't do anything too stupid.

suicide... again

my suicide is eventually I've realized today. It's not the immediate goodbye world crap. It's the living and living until I feel too feeble to care about myself anymore. I'm already heading that way... I'm wanting to cut more and more and I've had a few serious attempts. But I'm trying to hold on for David. It's been a month since I last posted (close enough to a month anyways). I'm stressed and stretched. I'm feeling more then ever that I have no direction and I have no purpose. Hell is not having a purpose and being too much of a coward to end it. I have no end to the love I have for my friends, family, and my darling. He's my idea what a human should be. Sweet thoughtful, etc. He wants me forever and I just don't feel like I can do it. Not the commitment. Just life: crappy city, crappy jobs, crappy apartment, crappy furnishings, crappy food, and crappy people. Lately I just want him to find another girl. I don't want to be his heartache when I find the courage. I just can't get over the messages I recieved when I was a child. That I'm filthy, useless, a bitch, a whore, a mistake, a mess-up, a unwanted pregnancy, stupid, ugly, talentless. I feel day by day I'm crumbling into thinking that's true. It would be his emotional undoing (at least for a few months-1 year) if anything happened to me self-inflicted or otherwise. I've got to go get some air. This is too much to think about right now. I need to start packing. I can't be focusing my energy on this bullshit. I have a life I need to live instead of sitting here throwing a pity party...

more later.

How can I fear something so much I can almost taste it. It's been hard on Dave these last couple days I've been spazing out. I love him so dearly I really feel awful with the stress I've dumped out. I've resorted a couple times to cutting. And I'm thinking about slashing my shoulder with a kitchen knife.

I'm driving myself frantic. And I'm feeling trapped and can't control the panic and i can't control the pain and the weird bubbling fliting feelings.

Hells yeah... finally something to stop sickos from hurting us. They go in to attack and they get to spend the rest of the evening in the ER with plasic barbs in their dick. Serves them right. PLEASE support rapestop.net.... Women should be provided with these for free!

The world needs a little more Ninja....



more Ninja goodness!!!!

This blog is no longer read by the people who know me. By anyone who would see me on a daily basis. I wonder if my mom is right. That I wait too long for people to come to me. I think the city has changed me. Inspite of my tough exterior I feel that I'm pretty fragile on the inside. I'm feeling rubbed raw by the city and all the people in it. It just feels so fake. But then again it feels too emotionless.
Anyway, I didn't really sit down to write about that.
Bernard, where is he? And why do I feel that I've gotten him in trouble? I shouldn't have sent that email. Damn my impatience! I just wanted to hear from him. But why! Why didn't he let her know!I'm just a friend. I love him. I really do. He's my best friend. It's been 4 months since I've seen him. And I fear that that will be the very last time I shall ever see him. fuck. tears and electronics don't mix. He's been my friend for almost a year. Now I can't even email him. I can't even find out if he's ok. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so awful. I think I hurt his marriage. I wish he'd leave me a sign. A way to really understand what went down afterwards. geez. I'm a crappy friend. I'm sure he's better off without me. But I'm not better off without him. I'm miserable. He's so wise and kind. and I MISS HIM. I want him to come back and talk to me again. I hate this. I feel so stubborn right now. I don't want new friends. I want HIM. I want my old friend. The old good times. The old good talks. I don't want to go through the whole process of getting new friends and having to sift through all the lame-ass people here.
Alright. I just needed to do that.... Needed to rant and cry and whine. To be frustrated at my lame-ass self.
I have a new lame job. I'm a cashier at Hairy Peter. I'm making 8 bucks an hour so I guess that's better then most places. I have to go through the same lame training that I had to when I was last a grocery cashier. It's the same shit but a different day. ssdd. But I suppose that is what life is.


On another note.....

I'm going camping (hopefully) the last week of October. But money is very very tight right now and i doubt it will really go through but i want to go. Here's a good idea on what kind of stuff we'll be getting.... I hope we'll have enough for the supplies and for gas to and fro.

Camping Supplies
Coleman's "Red Canyon" 8 person 3 room 17' x 10' tent- 79.94
Coleman's "Montauk" Super King 6lbs 39' x 81' sleeping bag- 34.82
OmegaLight battery-free flashlight- 12.67 x2
Colibri "Firebird" lighter- 12.47 x2
Ozark Trail eggcrate padding 24' x 72'- 11.96 x2
Outdoor Productions "Daypack"- 9.86
Ozark Trail poncho- 2.86 x2
Ozark Trail portable t.p.- 1.74 x4
fuel for lighter- .98 x2
StarterLogs- .33 x1

Food Supplies

Breakfast
dozen eggs- .89
blueberry muffins- (?)
Lemon Poppy seed muffins- (?)
banana nut bread- (?)
blueberry bread- 2.50
bisquits- (?)
Morning Star sasuage patties

Sandwhich fixings (Lunches)
Nature's Own Honey Wheat bread- 2.15 x2
1lbs. turkey breast- 2.98
1lbs. honey ham- 3.24
cheese- 1.66
small sqeeze mayo- (?)

Dinners
chicken hot dogs (30)- 4.00
Morning Star chikn patties

Drinks
1/2 gal. of milk- 1.96
V8 Fusions Peach Mango- 3.99 x4
1/2 gal. gatorade- 1.77 x4

Trailmix
Blue Diamond 6oz. honey roasted almonds- 2.74 x2
7oz. honey roasted pecans- 4.17
Planter's 10oz cashews- 3.37
1/3 lbs of dried banana chips- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried mango pieces- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried cranberries- (?)

Snacks
Marshmellows- 1.00
jiffy pop- 1.63