it's been an interesting move i think....
the man that i've been chilling with has fallen in love with me. another addison sadly enough. addi doesn't talk to me. and has barked at me on gt today. bitch.
i'm really tired of this. does he not even like me as a friend.

anyway. so people are bitches.

here's a song i wrote about dave

i no longer drink strong coffee
or take long walks after dark
maybe it's because i'm alone
maybe it's because it seems so empty without you

only dream i hold onto
of you coming home in a blazing light
that traces your figure in gold filigree
with a halow of wild russet curls

the park's empty today
wish you were here to capture the beauty
maybe the absence has made my heart fonder
maybe your absence tears me apart

come home safe is all i ask of you
come home safe to my arms, i'll comfort you
comfort your travel worn frame
take away all your sadness

i hope it's the last time i have to say goodbye to you
if you have to go after this
don't know if i'll survive
my heart may die altogether

it's obscene. there's something that is pulling me in. and here's the secret that i don't think will be welcomed. but there's a little cancer that is growing inside me. it isn't that i've been planning to announce it. it's just something i'm writing about. the more i think about it the more i want it though. and the thing is. i won't be able to have it. anymore. i need it. that silver kiss against my skin. the red rain dripping down. icy shivers of pain. but i need another kiss. another. andother. dragging my nails down the kiss-less shoulders. i need the kisses. and he'll never understand why. but it's nothing that can be done. for i will not feel another silver kiss.

In a single sweep every emotion was ran through me. the packing and moving was far too hard and fast. he was here in a blur of sound and motion, then gone. the emptiness and newness of the apartment was overwhelming, it's difficult to describe what it's like to go from money to not eating most days. the changes inside are subtle; the knowledge i already had isn't any more or less. perhaps it's that it's finally clicking. i can't be selfish anymore. it seems simple enough and perhaps it always was.

there's some scrub trying to pick me up today. ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrub ) The guy kept trying to play me. it was so obvious! it's sad. There are so many black men that are scrubs. I'm looking fly regardless of my outfit. Well... i lost my train of thought. he's trying to talk to me again...

he asked, "have you ever been with black man"
here's some lines
"I'm just looking for a shorty to be friends with..."
"i would never take advantage of you"
"i've had girls come after because of my body too"
"i'd never hurt you... only if you want me too"

then he kept hinting that he wanted to get a hold of me somehow....

fuck.
i wish he'd leave me alone.
i'm done with dating.
done with the "playa" men.
i'm glad i'm all settled and done.
i'd hate to go through this shit during the summer. or just at all. dating blows!
i fucking know what i look like. and i'm really tired of fending off scrubs, playas, and just plain creeps.

crash, crash, crashing down
tumbling in this sea of relentless sound
metal, steel, and things painted to look real
dark eyes casting long shadows
down the length of the street
trembling under the wolf gaze
pulling the brim alittle lower

The stares are getting to much. last night dave would have yelled at me...

i laid around for like an hour after he left and cried... i know i was being silly
then i went out and walked into town... it scared me so bad. there was several men traveling in packs of 5 that gave me looks i began to get edgy about... i couldn't take being in that house alone! it seemed so empty. i stayed out until 12. i visited my friend who is the manager at the i love ny pizza on franklin. i asked to borrow his phone for a local call (mouse), i went into the small office and started to make the call... he came in afterwards and talked to me. he kept wanting to hold me. he kept pressing himself against me. he kissed my forehead, then my neck on either side and he ran his hand around my body. i froze. i couldn't move. i wanted to yell. i couldn't find my voice. i couldn't find my fighter stance. finally, when i realized he was going to have his way with me i told him to stop. barely in a whisper. then hearing that i could speak i said it louder with more force. i turned the door to leave and he grabbed my arm and pulled me back "can i kiss you? please? let me... please... one." i said, "no, you can't" the response, "why?" "because i said so." i walked out as fast as i could. he knew i was getting married, that i loved my boy, that there's nothing that any man can do that would measure up to him. i have what i've waited - and continue waiting - for. he is in love with me. he told me he missed me when i went in to talk to him. i feel sick that i froze. his co-manager said he'd drive me home but in order to do so he'd have to sleep over or he'd take me out clubbing. but he wouldn't just drive me home. he wanted to sleep with me... and he was shameless enough to openly ask me for it. the crass attitude i recieve is at times a little much. i walked home and got there around 1am...
i couldn't sleep and started to paint a portrait of david... i did finally go to bed at around 4am and woke up at 8am. i woke hearing myself calling him back to bed and patting the bed.
"baby, come back to bed... i'm cold"

i have to grow up now. i have to work harder then i have before. the strength i know i have i must gather. this is it. if i fail him now i don't know what will keep him by my side... it scares me so bad. he told me he wasn't as strong as i was. he cried when i told him what was going on inside me when he talked to me the way he was. it made me feel so evil to make him cry. but the couple days before i was crying scared that he hated me. i had to tell him....

i'm still scared that he will be as cold as he was before. but i have faith that he will be my angel. the man i'll spend forever with. raise my children with. grow old with....

i pray this to be so.
for my sake.
for my heart can't take much more.
if he can't be loving and there for me then i can't love him anymore.
i'll always be there for him as his best friend. i wish him only the best - regardless of the pain. and if he can't be happy with me then there has to be a woman that will.
i must go walk home.
the longer the walk the sadder i become.
i feel that i'm always walking.
sometimes i wish i could walk to where he is.

numb-
i'm tired of being what you want me to be feeling so faithless lost under the surface i don't know what you're expecting of me put under the pressure of walking in your shoes [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] every step that i take is another mistake to you i've become so numb i can't feel you there become so tired so much more aware i'm becoming this all i want to do is be more like me and be less like you can't you see that you're smothering me holding too tightly afraid to lose control cause everything that you thought i would be has fallen apart right in front of you [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] every step that i take is another mistake to you [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] and every second i waste is more than i can take but i know i may end up failing too but i know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

if we've worked things out.... why do i feel so trashed...
i am not good enough for anyone. my parents told me so and i'm starting to see it. i'll never be good in relationships.

the distance has always been there.... has he moved on.... met something more he style or has he just decided that i'm not worth it... if it's honestly the money then he can have the money... i'll pay him back and cut this off. i don't want him to come here as a science experiment. i love this man. more then i can ever love any man. i honestly don't know what i'll do when he decides in about a month that he hates me.

my friend ja:
umm....well at this present time you know all that i have talked to you you seem sooo great and it makes me want you for my own and i wasnt lieing when i said that i wanted the best for you and David but i was kind of jelious of him to have a woman like you and just sitting here talking to you and just hearing you laugh and just care free made me a very happy person and also i guess i should admit that i do like you alot just something about you just brings out the happyness in me

he feels the same... he wants to see me happy just puck.... but puck isn't himself. and i'm not sure what has happened.

puck: Cherry, you might not get this for a while, but I just wanted you to know that I'm missing a lot right now. I'm actually getting some hw done and I keep imagining we're already living together and I'm waiting for you to come home. maybe a phone call. a text just to hear from you; not because I'm worried. I just want some sort of contact. looking through old text messages or checking my voicemail just wouldn't be enough. I guess that longing always proves how much you truly need someone. with me sitting here alone helps my mind wander, and since I'm supposedly thinking about hw, it decides to think about you instead. (not that I mind. I'm getting work done anyway) I doubt that this is anywhere near what you feel, but it's a start. text communication and phone conversations aren't enough (like I even have to say it) but they do keep me from missing you so much especially since we don't go twelve hours without contact with each other. ok, except for when I don't have time to talk to you before school because I was up late or something like that. it'll suck if you don't get this, but I guess I can just resend it when you get online. and I won't have to worry about closing this window and losing it because message archiving rocks! *hides*

does he remember this? this tenderness... this overwhelming devotion. it has left him. what has happened?

where is my baby?
mousie is so confused as well.... she doesn't understand why this happening... she told me today that she sees that he's feeling trapt. he isn't though. he can walk right out that door... he isn't chained to me...

has he decided he wants her instead?
is she perferable to me?
if she is then i'd rather him be happy with her or any other girl...
i don't want a miserable man on my hands...

i hope my angel comes home to me.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
You philosophies on art,
Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that

finally home... i've regrouped and have thought about my last post....
i hope he gets on...
earlier he was out with his ex mother's day shopping.... but he said he'd be on....

i'm laying here feeling so vulnerable and broken.... how can i let myself be so worn for all this silliness. i broke down and talked to jessie. i sobbed and rambled the entire 30 min ride home and when i got home we stood inside the apartment and i sobbed and rambled for 10/15 more min....

who's clever idea was it to schedule to incredibly stressful events within two/three days of each other???

that's right! i'm the jenious that decided that!

well.... i'm done pouting about it....

i'll bend over and take this all up the ass and smile the entire time about it!
coz that's what ladies do! they don't complain or needlessly whine! NO! they grin and bear it!

kk.... i'm maniac right now.... but i'll be even keel and Desperate Housewives perky come Wednesday....

kk...
i'll wait up for him...
hope he gets on if not i'll be sad....
but hey! that's me! pathetic!

I'm sitting here at mousie's with the most incredible mix of feelings.

i feel like stomping and holding my breath.....

then i feel resigned and souless.

i feel defensive

feel secretive

feel wounded

feel self-hatred

feel lost

feel worthless

the mix is wrecking havoc on who i am....

my body is thinning out and mouse is fussing about me.

i'm sad that i have to wait longer. but i shouldn't be in such bad form. i almost don't want to see him at all. i just want his mom to come out and drop the furniture and stuff. I'd be able to talk to her and really see what she's like. how selfish this thought is. this is my journal.... i can express this and then ignore the feelings i know are bad. but damn it i'm expressing them.

i want to be stubborn and say that since i can't have it my way then i don't want it any way....
but he needs to see me more then anything. and i'm being immature...
I've been able to see him with the webcam and it's made things so much better - for me.
on the other hand he hasn't seen me in almost three months

there's this feeling that's started to grow about a week or so ago... the vast emptiness inside it's doubling in size. i'm going out on Monday after jess helps me move what she can. i'm just going out. i don't know where. but i'm not going to sit at home anymore. i can't take it. if it's early enough then i'll go job hunting. if it's too much later in the day... i'll wander. walk and ride the bus. all over. or i'll just shut the laptop off and ignore everyone. i'm wanting to say these cold words:

i don't care anymore... come when you want i don't really care. who knows i just might not be there when you do come. i'll pay you back and break the lease and pay the difference. i'm not here for anybody anymore. i'm shutting you all out and i'm not letting you - any of you - near me anymore. have a nice life leave me out of it.

but i know these words aren't what i mean. what is true.

what's true is i'm very much in love with him. that i do care, that i all i need is to see him. i'm losing that gentle part of me. i feel it. i'm unsure why i'm feeling this way. too many times i'm pushing away when i need to get close.

okay.

i'm done talking about this.
i'm not in the mood to talk to anyone tonight.
i'm going home and staying offline.
i'll probably change my mind.
but i'm not eating and i'm not seeing people.
if those who know me and email want to try and leave me a message that way then....

goodluck. send me something. i'll answer at some point. possibly.

ah! baths should have a deity. man i was fucking feeling sickly and lame. i took a bath for an hour. let half of it drain and put more hot water in several times. i've been feeling really sick. then again i've not been good to myself often. i'm feeling so much better afterwards.... i think all the things i feel about myself - the bad stuff the stuff about me disliking myself is true. but i think i just lay in the thoughts, if i don't have something to do then i'm listless. anyway. i'm off. to do. something.

life is a nightmare, life is a dream
life is never what i want it to seem
days become longer till they are light-filled torture
eyes cry out from the burning
body shattered by the emptiness surrounding
i'm short of stable; lay down ashamed
will i ever find that smile i had months ago

he's need to make me happy is worrying me. i love him dearly but right now i can't be happy. i try for him. it's hard to break when you are already broken. hard to fall to pieces when your already shattered.

The first cut is the deepest Sheryl Crow - I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart and she's taking almost all that I've got but if you want, I'll try to love again baby I'll try to love again but I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest 'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest I still want you by my side just to help me dry the tears that I've cried cause I'm sure gonna give you a try and if you want, I'll try to love again but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest 'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest

i fucking hate all this stress. I want to get this move over and done with.

I'm feeling like the failure my parents always said i was. the checks aren't even close to coming in this week. i'm relying on him and i'm scared. my parents told me i'd be a leech. they are right. i'll never amount to anything. i am really tired of living. i wish there was a nice way to just up and leave. to just lie and make it convincing and go away. why do people care about me. i'm a slacker, failure, selfish. why is my endearments an excuse for them to still love and miss me.... it's like everyone else can see all of my goodness and i can hardly tell at all. can i please be hated?! i want to love them but i don't know if i can. i know something's broken and i'm trying to fix it anyway i can. but i'm feeling that my best is shit compared to what other people do. friends just can't be found and i'm real tired of this way of life. Everyday his arms are closer to mine. I'm sad that i effect him so when i'm sad. i love him and don't doubt him. i just doubt if i am really worthy, it's a foolish thought. he told his mom asked him if he knew what he was getting himself into and i've sat here and mulled over that question for hours. i can't find a reason not to be with him. in fact i don't want to ever go with out him. i'm not the same when he is away. it's been so lonely with out him here; and nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling...

speaking of lonely tears....

i'm going to see the family thursday early evening. for dinner and stuff. i'm excited to see the new house. my dad told me on my birthday that if i need anything that i should call him and he'll try to help me. i'm unsure what he thinks of me anymore - as a person. i really do feel like i've not even come close to living up to even a 10th of how i could. my brother travis misses me so badly. it hurts to know that he is so lonely for me most of the time. and most of the time i have trouble thinking of my family. baba is a sweetie and loves me too but i don't know. my siblings are so loving and adore me. *tears fall* i wish i could be there- be the sister they need. the funny wise smartass cool older sister. i fail at so many things.... i'm amazed when i have small insignificant successes which is probably another way i fail. The even keel of a long tiring day of work is satisfying. The stale hours of trying to hunt for one. being stuck at home. etc is something i can't take. i'm packing all of my memories in tiny cardboard boxes and giving away my childhood clothing like autumn leaves. how life shifts so quickly three months ago i would have laughed at the idea of puckster living with me. and now that it's happening i'm so terrorfied. i'm not sure how it'll work out. i have to try with him. i have to let myself relax and breathe. let it all in and not fight and deny and try and tear down and apart like i have habit in doing.

i have to get something that is currently pretending to be sleep. it's fucking 4am. i'm not dreaming things i want to remember. someone should be with me here. i want to wake up crying and snuggled down into his safe arms. i woke up the last couple weeks either wanting to cry or crying. last night i had this dream about david dying in my arms. i sat up and cried for like a half hour. i had one a couple nights after that about david storming from the house and sitting in his car glaring at me. i had a horrible dream about david catching me cheating on me. then i had one about him going back to ks to visit his family and going bak to his ex. damn it i want these shitty dreams to leave me. i can't imagine those things happening but shit happens. and people change their minds and grow apart or stuff like it. well i'm going to sleep. i hope david doesn't die in my dreams again *cries a little*. laters - cherry

"Vienna" The Fray - The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in We smile for the casual closure capturing There goes the downpour Here goes my fare thee well There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Only so many words that we can say Spoken upon long-distance melody This is my hello This is my goodness There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again Straighten this whole thing out Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy This is the distance And this is my game face There's really no way to reach me (x2) Is there really no way to reach me? Am I already... So this is your maverick This is Vienna