crash, crash, crashing down
tumbling in this sea of relentless sound
metal, steel, and things painted to look real
dark eyes casting long shadows
down the length of the street
trembling under the wolf gaze
pulling the brim alittle lower

The stares are getting to much. last night dave would have yelled at me...

i laid around for like an hour after he left and cried... i know i was being silly
then i went out and walked into town... it scared me so bad. there was several men traveling in packs of 5 that gave me looks i began to get edgy about... i couldn't take being in that house alone! it seemed so empty. i stayed out until 12. i visited my friend who is the manager at the i love ny pizza on franklin. i asked to borrow his phone for a local call (mouse), i went into the small office and started to make the call... he came in afterwards and talked to me. he kept wanting to hold me. he kept pressing himself against me. he kissed my forehead, then my neck on either side and he ran his hand around my body. i froze. i couldn't move. i wanted to yell. i couldn't find my voice. i couldn't find my fighter stance. finally, when i realized he was going to have his way with me i told him to stop. barely in a whisper. then hearing that i could speak i said it louder with more force. i turned the door to leave and he grabbed my arm and pulled me back "can i kiss you? please? let me... please... one." i said, "no, you can't" the response, "why?" "because i said so." i walked out as fast as i could. he knew i was getting married, that i loved my boy, that there's nothing that any man can do that would measure up to him. i have what i've waited - and continue waiting - for. he is in love with me. he told me he missed me when i went in to talk to him. i feel sick that i froze. his co-manager said he'd drive me home but in order to do so he'd have to sleep over or he'd take me out clubbing. but he wouldn't just drive me home. he wanted to sleep with me... and he was shameless enough to openly ask me for it. the crass attitude i recieve is at times a little much. i walked home and got there around 1am...
i couldn't sleep and started to paint a portrait of david... i did finally go to bed at around 4am and woke up at 8am. i woke hearing myself calling him back to bed and patting the bed.
"baby, come back to bed... i'm cold"

i have to grow up now. i have to work harder then i have before. the strength i know i have i must gather. this is it. if i fail him now i don't know what will keep him by my side... it scares me so bad. he told me he wasn't as strong as i was. he cried when i told him what was going on inside me when he talked to me the way he was. it made me feel so evil to make him cry. but the couple days before i was crying scared that he hated me. i had to tell him....

i'm still scared that he will be as cold as he was before. but i have faith that he will be my angel. the man i'll spend forever with. raise my children with. grow old with....

i pray this to be so.
for my sake.
for my heart can't take much more.
if he can't be loving and there for me then i can't love him anymore.
i'll always be there for him as his best friend. i wish him only the best - regardless of the pain. and if he can't be happy with me then there has to be a woman that will.
i must go walk home.
the longer the walk the sadder i become.
i feel that i'm always walking.
sometimes i wish i could walk to where he is.