I'm sitting here at mousie's with the most incredible mix of feelings.

i feel like stomping and holding my breath.....

then i feel resigned and souless.

i feel defensive

feel secretive

feel wounded

feel self-hatred

feel lost

feel worthless

the mix is wrecking havoc on who i am....

my body is thinning out and mouse is fussing about me.

i'm sad that i have to wait longer. but i shouldn't be in such bad form. i almost don't want to see him at all. i just want his mom to come out and drop the furniture and stuff. I'd be able to talk to her and really see what she's like. how selfish this thought is. this is my journal.... i can express this and then ignore the feelings i know are bad. but damn it i'm expressing them.

i want to be stubborn and say that since i can't have it my way then i don't want it any way....
but he needs to see me more then anything. and i'm being immature...
I've been able to see him with the webcam and it's made things so much better - for me.
on the other hand he hasn't seen me in almost three months

there's this feeling that's started to grow about a week or so ago... the vast emptiness inside it's doubling in size. i'm going out on Monday after jess helps me move what she can. i'm just going out. i don't know where. but i'm not going to sit at home anymore. i can't take it. if it's early enough then i'll go job hunting. if it's too much later in the day... i'll wander. walk and ride the bus. all over. or i'll just shut the laptop off and ignore everyone. i'm wanting to say these cold words:

i don't care anymore... come when you want i don't really care. who knows i just might not be there when you do come. i'll pay you back and break the lease and pay the difference. i'm not here for anybody anymore. i'm shutting you all out and i'm not letting you - any of you - near me anymore. have a nice life leave me out of it.

but i know these words aren't what i mean. what is true.

what's true is i'm very much in love with him. that i do care, that i all i need is to see him. i'm losing that gentle part of me. i feel it. i'm unsure why i'm feeling this way. too many times i'm pushing away when i need to get close.

okay.

i'm done talking about this.
i'm not in the mood to talk to anyone tonight.
i'm going home and staying offline.
i'll probably change my mind.
but i'm not eating and i'm not seeing people.
if those who know me and email want to try and leave me a message that way then....

goodluck. send me something. i'll answer at some point. possibly.