i fucking hate all this stress. I want to get this move over and done with.

I'm feeling like the failure my parents always said i was. the checks aren't even close to coming in this week. i'm relying on him and i'm scared. my parents told me i'd be a leech. they are right. i'll never amount to anything. i am really tired of living. i wish there was a nice way to just up and leave. to just lie and make it convincing and go away. why do people care about me. i'm a slacker, failure, selfish. why is my endearments an excuse for them to still love and miss me.... it's like everyone else can see all of my goodness and i can hardly tell at all. can i please be hated?! i want to love them but i don't know if i can. i know something's broken and i'm trying to fix it anyway i can. but i'm feeling that my best is shit compared to what other people do. friends just can't be found and i'm real tired of this way of life. Everyday his arms are closer to mine. I'm sad that i effect him so when i'm sad. i love him and don't doubt him. i just doubt if i am really worthy, it's a foolish thought. he told his mom asked him if he knew what he was getting himself into and i've sat here and mulled over that question for hours. i can't find a reason not to be with him. in fact i don't want to ever go with out him. i'm not the same when he is away. it's been so lonely with out him here; and nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling...

speaking of lonely tears....

i'm going to see the family thursday early evening. for dinner and stuff. i'm excited to see the new house. my dad told me on my birthday that if i need anything that i should call him and he'll try to help me. i'm unsure what he thinks of me anymore - as a person. i really do feel like i've not even come close to living up to even a 10th of how i could. my brother travis misses me so badly. it hurts to know that he is so lonely for me most of the time. and most of the time i have trouble thinking of my family. baba is a sweetie and loves me too but i don't know. my siblings are so loving and adore me. *tears fall* i wish i could be there- be the sister they need. the funny wise smartass cool older sister. i fail at so many things.... i'm amazed when i have small insignificant successes which is probably another way i fail. The even keel of a long tiring day of work is satisfying. The stale hours of trying to hunt for one. being stuck at home. etc is something i can't take. i'm packing all of my memories in tiny cardboard boxes and giving away my childhood clothing like autumn leaves. how life shifts so quickly three months ago i would have laughed at the idea of puckster living with me. and now that it's happening i'm so terrorfied. i'm not sure how it'll work out. i have to try with him. i have to let myself relax and breathe. let it all in and not fight and deny and try and tear down and apart like i have habit in doing.

i have to get something that is currently pretending to be sleep. it's fucking 4am. i'm not dreaming things i want to remember. someone should be with me here. i want to wake up crying and snuggled down into his safe arms. i woke up the last couple weeks either wanting to cry or crying. last night i had this dream about david dying in my arms. i sat up and cried for like a half hour. i had one a couple nights after that about david storming from the house and sitting in his car glaring at me. i had a horrible dream about david catching me cheating on me. then i had one about him going back to ks to visit his family and going bak to his ex. damn it i want these shitty dreams to leave me. i can't imagine those things happening but shit happens. and people change their minds and grow apart or stuff like it. well i'm going to sleep. i hope david doesn't die in my dreams again *cries a little*. laters - cherry

"Vienna" The Fray - The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in We smile for the casual closure capturing There goes the downpour Here goes my fare thee well There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Only so many words that we can say Spoken upon long-distance melody This is my hello This is my goodness There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again Straighten this whole thing out Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy This is the distance And this is my game face There's really no way to reach me (x2) Is there really no way to reach me? Am I already... So this is your maverick This is Vienna