okay peoples, i've not really kept up on this blog as i would want to. i really only have a handful of people who know about it and about two that read it regularly enough to notice i've not posted.

here's the email i got from the parental unit. i'm horrible about piecing parents together. mostly because parents didn't make sense to me when i was little. so i figure that they are suppose to be confusing. It's a straightforward letter so i can't complain about him being puzzling. However....

> > We miss you.
> Not sure what your life plan is in regards to
> us/your family. Under normal circumstances,
> teenagers/young adults usually distance themselves
> while working on their lives and reaching full
> independance. Usually a strong bond sustains the
> relationship during any temporary disruptions (ie
> you & Travis).
> During this time of achieving independance, the
> parent child relationship also changes quite a bit
> from the parents point of view. When raising
> children, parents "needs" are often neglected or set
> aside on purpose to achieve family goals. You will
> probably find this hard to believe, but, much of our
> strictness while raising you was done for your
> benefit, not some internal, selfish need on our
> part. Of course, we also made many errors in
judgement, too. It has always been very obvious to
> us that you have not agreed with the way we raised
> you. Now you have the independance and power to
> "escape" if you want.
> Similarly, we as parents and independant adults,
> have the right to expect our needs to be met in
> adult relationships. Mom has a very obvious need
> for honesty, authenticity, responsibility, ethics...
> in her life relationships. Most people do. Years
> of parenting (as well as working in the adoption
> field) has left her little tolerance, especially in
> her closest relationships.
> Many, many times in foster/adoptive situations, the
> children choose to become estranged from adoptive
> parents and loose their connection. Parents
> expectations are a burden that is happily tossed
> aside. Perhaps there never was a strong connection
> and it's just "normal" for all parties to go their
> seperate ways. I suppose our circumstances have
> never been normal.
> I do know that any relationship that is not nurtured
> will deteriorate.
> Just something for you to think about if you want to
> - please don't feel the need to reply - no defense
> of your actions or personal philosophy is needed,
> it's none of my business anymore.
> > Dad
> > ps Last night on Star Trek Next Generation Worf
> said something like "there is nothing of value to
> be gained if no sacrifice is required".

i feel that i'm told i'm missed and then told that they don't care. i don't know. perhaps i'm blind to this all because i'm sitting right here in it all. I have no resources right now to deal with this shit. i'm tired of the emotional tidal waves that crash on me and swallow me and kick my ass every step of the of way

i mean it seems like whenever i'm halfway halfway happy and settled then some other pile of shit gets dumped on me. i wish i wasn't being a total asshole and dumping the stress i have on the man i love so dear. He deals with so much with the smallest little effort. i should study him. see how he deals with stuff. idunno. he claims it's nothing. but i'm sure it has to wear on him at times. i love him more then anything but i do worry about him; my guardian angel. how can i best explain how i worry about abusing him, smothering him, taking him for granted. i know i haven't and i know i don't intend to - but the road to hell is paved with every good intention. i'm so afraid to love him, more afraid to lose. fight a past that doesn't let me chose. i'm so afraid to hurt him more then anything else. i always end up hurting people. It doesn't matter. I'm not suppose to be with people; i'm a monster. i'm sweet and loving oh yes, but i have a nasty bite. and i don't want to bite! but who knows perhaps i can tame this beast within without hurting anyone or myself. btw this pic was taking after he was out four wheeling in the mud. heheh. he looks so little. i bet he was so terribly shy when he was a child. to be there when he was little! how sweet he looks right there. this look of "i'm not tracking mud in...... really i'm not. i just happen to be covered in it."