There are a few things that deeply trouble me. right now i'm wide awake. i can't get sleep. i had one night of good sleep this week.

something about what he said.
maybe it was just the way he said it.

something snapped.

clicked.

i went pale as he said.
knew to the very marrow i fucked up.
put more stress on his shoulders.

i crunched on a delicate nerve.

i know it was small.
small things grow.
i must watch myself.
i cannot sleep tonight.

T_T

how does the vulnerability of a delicate man cause me to fall to my knees?
fall down and hoping that the murmering words of apology will undo the small tear.
would sew it shut.
shut away these sad thoughts of guilt and self-reproach.

i'm not emotionally stable due to my period.
but there are hormone imbalances and character flaws.
one can be adjusted the other cannot.
i'm spinning my wheels listening to Nirvana when i shouldn't.
The songs that encourage me to believe that i'm horrible and useless.
i don't listen to Nirvana after dark because it calls the shadows lurking in my mind forward to haunt me till morning.
it's unfair the stress that i cause him.
i'm feeling unworthy, it's a silly feeling. *sigh* :-i'll be okay. mostly this is just a stream of consciousness. thoughts drifting in and out of my sleepy mind.
i'm so stressed right now.
i've been forgiven but i worry. overly much. i have noticed i do that; i have thought it for a while prolly since i was 14 - i have a chemical imbalance which causes me to stress over silly things. i'm going to the doctor soon. i have other things wrong with me. maybe it's jus me. maybe my whole being is wrong. my adopted mom said i should be dead by all rights. i mean my birth dad beat, raped, stabbed me. my birth mother hit, ignored, yelled, starved me. i should have died under those conditions.
but.
i didn't and i know i'm stronger then that. sometimes i need to shove myself into doing something about believing i'm strong.

that's another thing i'm worried about me doing with David. there are times that i have shoved him to do stuff and afterwards i felt icky about shoving. like tonight. i shoved him about something and right after i shoved i was feeling sick to my stomach. i still feel very sick. i can't do anything about it now though. *sigh* T_T i'll get over myself. i'm going to learn from this little episode. i will. i'm not going to make myself feel sick and stressed about my bad behavior i have complete control over.

in all. i want to kick my own ass, i'm doing an alright job right now. but i still feel like i need to kick some more.

okay. exhaustion has set in finally. i've been ranting and raving for an hour. i leave you with highlighted lyrics. Mike Shinoda is really good hip hop rock rap artist.

yellow highlighted the lines i was truly feeling. the whole song was something that i was thinking. the sort of feeling that maybe i need to slip out the back. how foolish. and overwhelming i am.

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor

You know me, i used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, i'm trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
i dont need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand when i'm saying that you always did
But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

i'm no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me

Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care