okay peoples, i've not really kept up on this blog as i would want to. i really only have a handful of people who know about it and about two that read it regularly enough to notice i've not posted.

here's the email i got from the parental unit. i'm horrible about piecing parents together. mostly because parents didn't make sense to me when i was little. so i figure that they are suppose to be confusing. It's a straightforward letter so i can't complain about him being puzzling. However....

> > We miss you.
> Not sure what your life plan is in regards to
> us/your family. Under normal circumstances,
> teenagers/young adults usually distance themselves
> while working on their lives and reaching full
> independance. Usually a strong bond sustains the
> relationship during any temporary disruptions (ie
> you & Travis).
> During this time of achieving independance, the
> parent child relationship also changes quite a bit
> from the parents point of view. When raising
> children, parents "needs" are often neglected or set
> aside on purpose to achieve family goals. You will
> probably find this hard to believe, but, much of our
> strictness while raising you was done for your
> benefit, not some internal, selfish need on our
> part. Of course, we also made many errors in
judgement, too. It has always been very obvious to
> us that you have not agreed with the way we raised
> you. Now you have the independance and power to
> "escape" if you want.
> Similarly, we as parents and independant adults,
> have the right to expect our needs to be met in
> adult relationships. Mom has a very obvious need
> for honesty, authenticity, responsibility, ethics...
> in her life relationships. Most people do. Years
> of parenting (as well as working in the adoption
> field) has left her little tolerance, especially in
> her closest relationships.
> Many, many times in foster/adoptive situations, the
> children choose to become estranged from adoptive
> parents and loose their connection. Parents
> expectations are a burden that is happily tossed
> aside. Perhaps there never was a strong connection
> and it's just "normal" for all parties to go their
> seperate ways. I suppose our circumstances have
> never been normal.
> I do know that any relationship that is not nurtured
> will deteriorate.
> Just something for you to think about if you want to
> - please don't feel the need to reply - no defense
> of your actions or personal philosophy is needed,
> it's none of my business anymore.
> > Dad
> > ps Last night on Star Trek Next Generation Worf
> said something like "there is nothing of value to
> be gained if no sacrifice is required".

i feel that i'm told i'm missed and then told that they don't care. i don't know. perhaps i'm blind to this all because i'm sitting right here in it all. I have no resources right now to deal with this shit. i'm tired of the emotional tidal waves that crash on me and swallow me and kick my ass every step of the of way

i mean it seems like whenever i'm halfway halfway happy and settled then some other pile of shit gets dumped on me. i wish i wasn't being a total asshole and dumping the stress i have on the man i love so dear. He deals with so much with the smallest little effort. i should study him. see how he deals with stuff. idunno. he claims it's nothing. but i'm sure it has to wear on him at times. i love him more then anything but i do worry about him; my guardian angel. how can i best explain how i worry about abusing him, smothering him, taking him for granted. i know i haven't and i know i don't intend to - but the road to hell is paved with every good intention. i'm so afraid to love him, more afraid to lose. fight a past that doesn't let me chose. i'm so afraid to hurt him more then anything else. i always end up hurting people. It doesn't matter. I'm not suppose to be with people; i'm a monster. i'm sweet and loving oh yes, but i have a nasty bite. and i don't want to bite! but who knows perhaps i can tame this beast within without hurting anyone or myself. btw this pic was taking after he was out four wheeling in the mud. heheh. he looks so little. i bet he was so terribly shy when he was a child. to be there when he was little! how sweet he looks right there. this look of "i'm not tracking mud in...... really i'm not. i just happen to be covered in it."

"Come What May"
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh come what may, come what may I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Fired. From Pepper's. For no real good reason. I showed up on time, worked as hard as I can. and they said i wasn't a good fit for them. I know I tried my hardest. I was really depressed the other night and wanted to cut badly. I sat at several bus stops last night (1am) and thought about buying a box cutter. But i made it home and cried until 4:30am passed out in the middle of it all.....

damn it anyway. I got up early to talk to him and he isn't on. I should have just slept in instead of being retarded and getting up before my body was ready. but there are sacrifices to be made if i am going to be able to keep up with my boy. Plus being up early gives me the bitter comebacks needed when dealing with that asshole Christophe on GT. I can't fucking take him. He's so ass backwards. I wonder if there is a way that most- if not all of the peoples on gt could sign a petition to get rid of his stanky ass. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. And lord knows his sperm and egg donor erm i mean mom and dad needed a lifeguard. I have no idea what the reason god has from him existing. anyway........

i miss him!!!!!
God damn it.

I'm broke and feeling likt i'm being slowly slowly swallowed whole. I'm panicking about getting the money to both of the apartments on time... I'm feeling even more of a failure then usual. I know he tries his best to remind me i'm not a failure. i can't help but crying and hating myself right now.

But he's broken me down. I have finally accepted his offer to pay for the new apartment. I'm feeling so vulnerable. he's my second half. we can go from serious to casual with an ease. I know this is my life- him. I can't live without him. He completes me so sweetly

It's already the 20th! the end of the month is coming soon. My dad's birthday is on the 23rd and i'm uneasy has to what i should do. me and my folks never really worked together. the distances between have helped and harmed. it's something so complicated that i'm not going to express my thoughts completely. there are alot things that should be happening today. packing. taking apart my room. i'm completely anxious about my apartments and money. but i can't talk to him again about it. i'm just chewing the issue to bits and there's nothing i can really do about it at this point.

Let me fall- Josh Groban
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

I'll Be - GGD
The strands in your eyes
That color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains
Thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out
Burned up
Fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in
Turned on
Remembered the things you said
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of you life

April. sigh. Last night I had a very detailed dream i woke from about David. When i woke i smelt his skin in the air... The closer the days come to may the tighter my lungs seem. till i can only breathe in a mix of excitement and terror. I'm so scared of meeting his mother. I'm going to be a daughter-in-law!? I'm not really much of a daughter. How can I pretentd i'm not overjoyed to see him? That this encounter is casual? When I know I'm needing to jump on him, kiss him sweetly, and have him wrap his loving arms around me. I can't though- it'd give it all away. He told his mother i was just a friend. I'm not as good an actress as I want to be. Damn appearances! I need him to be a boyfriend! I need the first moment back together joyful and giggly not stressed and strained. i hate huge secrets like this. And him and his mom have HORRID planning skills. I felt so pissed last night when he sent me texts telling me that since they will both be driving here May 15-17; that they will be able to take me to Kansas with them. *pulls hair out*. and Dave doesn't talk to his mother about her plans. i could've saved Mousie $95! He said he'd handle it all and i have no doubt at all he will. he's my baby, and i trust him with everything. Except travel plans. that will not be left to him! there are somethings that need a female fully functioning brain. I miss him!

Slide- GGD
"And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married

Or run away

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide"

woot!
i'm so happy that linda let me borrow her camera.... since he sent me the little clip i've wanted to make a film for him..... i've tried twice. i like them both.... they say the same things. but in two different places

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view¤t=MOV00616.flv

and

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view&current=minikiss.flv

hehe.... i luv him!!!!

alright then. i'm doing abit better these days. i have stopped cutting and David has helped me through some stuff i've struggled with...

he's a smile that heals me!

sex is no longer sex... it's the hardest thing to explain to anyone. since his loving embrace. especially the very first one... how can i define sex in the way i thought of even two months ago? this beauty, consummate passion, clumsy grace. The meaning of it so starkly obvious. How could i think of sex then anything else but with him? but with the compelete shiver of feeling divinely touched.


love has me thinking of stargazing.....

"The Stars" William Wordsworth
The stars are mansions built by Nature's hand,
And, haply, there the spirits of the blest Dwell,
clothed in radiance, their immortal vest;
Huge Ocean shows, within his yellow strand,
A habitation marvellously planned,
For life to occupy in love and rest;
All that we see--is dome, or vault, or nest,
Or fortress, reared at Nature's sage command.
Glad thought for every season!
but the Spring Gave it while cares were weighing on my heart,
'Mid song of birds, and insects murmuring;
And while the youthful year's prolific art--
Of bud, leaf, blade, and flower--was fashioning
Abodes where self-disturbance hath no part.

"Are We Watching the Same Star?" William Mae
I'm looking at this star tonight,
Wishing wishes would come true.
I wonder where I stand and look
If you see the same star too.
Does the darkness overwhelm you,
Where you stand and look tonight?
Do you see the star I’m watching?
Could we both stand in it's light?
Tonight although there's miles between us,
Perhaps our souls will somehow meet.
At the point this star begins,
Our hearts will find their beat.
Do you feel the need for someone,
To fulfill your empty life?
I'm wishing for the same thing,
As I watch this star tonight.
This gentle breeze I'm feeling,
Calms my heart of sorrow.
I'm wondering will it find you,
And soothe your heart tomorrow.
A hopeless born romantic,
Ever searching for true love.
Wishing wishes in the darkness
To this star that hangs above.

"Little Star" James Mills
A zillion miles of night caress the little star.
One amongst countless it shines, knowing only itself, bravely blazing.
For it knows no other way.
A zillion years of light burst from the little star.
Wished upon, sung to, followed, all its' shining life.
Little star. Little star.
Probing eyes lit on it; photographed and spectroscoped it.
Analyzed; they deemed it -ordinary, tagged it with a strange, forgettable name. Pronounced it long ago Dead.
Long ago dead, they said.
The little star, dead.
Light in the night, bright dreamy light, white and a little blurred.
Dead? Absurd.
Something in us may have died.
But not our little star.

three cheers for the internet and all things modern. . . . Only coz I'm able to be emotionally near my baby. My light.

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view&current=Mybaby.flv

He sent this to me today. It's a 5 second clip but my goodness I was grinning from ear to ear for at least an hour. How is something so simple as watching his face light up give me strength to push through the shittiest of work days? I'm surprised about this all. I really shouldn't though..... We've always had a long distance thing going on- as friends i mean.

After i saw it the first time i giggled madly. Same for the second and third times. But for some reason while i was in the middle of giggling about how cute he was - i started to tell the screen 'you're so adorable i could just kiss you!' I stopped and realized he wasn't there and I wouldn't be seeing him for the longest of times. Then i cried a little and watched it two more times and felt at peace with the world at general. He brings out the very best in me I think. I know i'm great without him but he just brings something else out of me altogether. My better half that makes me the best I can be as well. *giggles* Well, I'm off to watch it a few more times before sleep steals me away from the waking world.

i just don't sleep anymore, eat anymore, care anymore.
i'm listless, frustrated. hungry but unwilling to feed myself.
angry at myself for being depressed, for making him worry, for being broke, for being lazy, for being a broken person.
i have the day off but working tonight

it's not that i do not feel love. it is not that he had to go. it's not that all of this is too "grown up" for me to handle. none of that is true. i'm fine.

but do you know what it's like to be so alone?
to live with thousands yet get nothing in the way of friends
to have no touch
no holding
no talking
no walks in the park
no small talk having coffee

living alone is fine. it's no one to talk to. nothing to look forward to at the end of day. albiet i chat with him and that satisfies me. i don't even want to be wreckless anymore. go out and have random fun. explore. meet people. i went out to a club and went home after a half hour. jus lay here and wait... that's all.

wait and sleep and work...
wait some more.
it's not even that i'm making him my only happiness.
i'm happy at times.
just not so often and not for too long.

"Dumb"

I’m not like them But I can pretend The sun is gone But I have a light The day is done But I’m having fun I think I’m dumb Or maybe just happy Think I’m just happy [repeat 3x] My heart is broke But I have some glue Help me inhale And mend it with you We’ll float around And hang out on clouds Then we’ll come down And I have a hangover Have a hangover [repeat 3x] Skin the sun Fall asleep Wish away The soul is cheap Lesson learned Wish me luck Soothe the burn Wake me up [repeat first verse and chorus] I think I’m dumb [repeat 12x]

"You know you're right"
I will never bother you I will never promise to I will never follow you I will never bother you Never speak a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put in to this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail Pain [3x] You Know your Right [3x] I'm so warm and calm inside I no longer have to hide Let’s talk about someone else Steaming soup against her mouth Nothing really bothers her She just wants to love herself I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew to come like this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail Pain [5x] You know Your Right [17x] Pain [1x]

"Heart Shaped box"
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak I've been locked inside your Heart Shaped box for weeks I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice...your advice Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet Cut myself on Angel Hair and baby's breath Broken hymen of your highness I'm left back Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice...Your advice*solo* She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Your advice Your advice Your advice

well whatever... nevermind

Can't get sleep these days....
Walk through life in a fuzzy daze
Holding my head just high enough
Shoving through it as if i were tough
Warming myself on thoughts of you
A tiny flame inside burning true
How empty this body is; too much space
Dreams of a kiss i can almost taste
Crash, crash, crashing down
Tumbling in a sea of relentless sound
Women here painted to look real
A frozen city - concrete and steel
Blank gapes, blank faces,
Blank familiar places
Hats worn low, gazes worn lower
Can almost see their human soul
But this 60hr work week took its toll
Feeling buzzed out, worn thin
Emotion at all seems a sin
If misery loves company then
Nearly everyone here is ken
Happy drones are all they need
Sad and frustrated? you're a bad seed
Fit into a box and be reusable
Easily underpaid and abuseable
Piling up bills to pay?
They'll either cut your hours or cut your pay
Can't see how much longer i'll last
Alone, feeling like i was aside, cast
Inspite of love, which i never doubt
Feeling swallowed whole, then sput out
And the artificial lamp can't burn away this sense that i'm sleepless

i wrote this a couple days ago on break.....

*snoopy dance* I put the money down and the apartment is ours. I'm feeling so grown up today. I put so much money out there. I'm scared about it. I know he has promised himself to me and i to him. But the best laid plans . . . . Stressed now because i need to tie up the loose ends here. Then there's getting the electric and water under my name..... or his. Not sure which at this moment. Probably mine. Mid May probably between the 13-16 I'll be moving into the apartment. my sole networth is sitting on my bedside table in a wad and i've never felt so worthless and poor in my life. I know that is a silly notion. But when this world is centered around how useful a drone you are then it gets hard to see people. You see faces but they mean nothing. money drives everything. it's evil. and i hate it. but i'm alright. i try to work hard. i try to love with my heart and go places that i was told i'd never reach. . . . i miss him and think about him every few moments. he's words, images of his face, texture of his skin, quality of his laughter. is always with me.....

ah yes...... shameless self indulgence- Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy i'm one year wiser, happy birthday to me!!!! sigh. i want nothing in this world more then him- my angel, my soul- by my side tonight.... to sleep in his arms if only for an hour. okay *tears up* i'm off to look at his photos and sigh. remembering him.

Burn - The Cure
Don’t look don’t look the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl...

But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

Oh don’t talk of love the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
Don’t talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that’s ever true
There’s nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do...

Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn

Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

Just paint your face the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
Oh it doesn’t matter how you hide
Find you if we’re wanting
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired...

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Dream the crow black dream...

i flipped through my photos of him. of me. of us together. the beauty and peace. the love an adoration.

it was a simple human mistake. he was stressed. i was impatient. forgiven i was. and i will forgive myself for being human.

the photos dissolved the intense churning of wheels.
even just to see pictures of his face brings me joy.
a relief.
*dreamy sigh*
i shouldn't be so hard on myself....
that's okay. mon ange is so sweet and easy on me.
we je t'aime mon ange!
certainly. deeply. always.

i know lay down to dream of his warm arms wrapping me in protection. even from myself.

le plus doux des rêves mon ange.
je rêve chaque nuit que je suis dans des vos bras affectueux.
*un baiser tendre bonne nuit, mon ange*

There are a few things that deeply trouble me. right now i'm wide awake. i can't get sleep. i had one night of good sleep this week.

something about what he said.
maybe it was just the way he said it.

something snapped.

clicked.

i went pale as he said.
knew to the very marrow i fucked up.
put more stress on his shoulders.

i crunched on a delicate nerve.

i know it was small.
small things grow.
i must watch myself.
i cannot sleep tonight.

T_T

how does the vulnerability of a delicate man cause me to fall to my knees?
fall down and hoping that the murmering words of apology will undo the small tear.
would sew it shut.
shut away these sad thoughts of guilt and self-reproach.

i'm not emotionally stable due to my period.
but there are hormone imbalances and character flaws.
one can be adjusted the other cannot.
i'm spinning my wheels listening to Nirvana when i shouldn't.
The songs that encourage me to believe that i'm horrible and useless.
i don't listen to Nirvana after dark because it calls the shadows lurking in my mind forward to haunt me till morning.
it's unfair the stress that i cause him.
i'm feeling unworthy, it's a silly feeling. *sigh* :-i'll be okay. mostly this is just a stream of consciousness. thoughts drifting in and out of my sleepy mind.
i'm so stressed right now.
i've been forgiven but i worry. overly much. i have noticed i do that; i have thought it for a while prolly since i was 14 - i have a chemical imbalance which causes me to stress over silly things. i'm going to the doctor soon. i have other things wrong with me. maybe it's jus me. maybe my whole being is wrong. my adopted mom said i should be dead by all rights. i mean my birth dad beat, raped, stabbed me. my birth mother hit, ignored, yelled, starved me. i should have died under those conditions.
but.
i didn't and i know i'm stronger then that. sometimes i need to shove myself into doing something about believing i'm strong.

that's another thing i'm worried about me doing with David. there are times that i have shoved him to do stuff and afterwards i felt icky about shoving. like tonight. i shoved him about something and right after i shoved i was feeling sick to my stomach. i still feel very sick. i can't do anything about it now though. *sigh* T_T i'll get over myself. i'm going to learn from this little episode. i will. i'm not going to make myself feel sick and stressed about my bad behavior i have complete control over.

in all. i want to kick my own ass, i'm doing an alright job right now. but i still feel like i need to kick some more.

okay. exhaustion has set in finally. i've been ranting and raving for an hour. i leave you with highlighted lyrics. Mike Shinoda is really good hip hop rock rap artist.

yellow highlighted the lines i was truly feeling. the whole song was something that i was thinking. the sort of feeling that maybe i need to slip out the back. how foolish. and overwhelming i am.

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor

You know me, i used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, i'm trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
i dont need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand when i'm saying that you always did
But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

i'm no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me

Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care

how have i become like others
snapped and then smothered
caught up in moments and pushed up against
worn things down in a sense
soft, grey sadness: your voice
making another selfless choice
the obliging way you forgive
realizing you're all for which i live;
when you admit to a pain i gave
inside distress on top of me caves
i, another careless child,
has ruined, caged something beautiful and wild
while you have forgiven mistakes
a little part is scared of the stakes
minutes wile away days
scared that you may not stay
not wanting to trap you inside
not wanting to let you drift away on a tide

alrighty. Tomorrow is the day i was born many years ago. hard to imagine that i've grown up so fast. or the fact that my room is still a wreck. it was clean for a week. so phhh and meh. i have too much shit. which is something i should be doing right now *groan*. i don't wanna. but i need to. i have a month and a half until i move into my new place. i must be using this time very very wisely but i'm getting lazy. i know myself well enough to know that if i'm given too much freetime that i waste it on stupid shit. like now. i should be being productive. but i'm not. grr. whatever. i'm getting out and getting supplies for the potluck tomorrow. make my cake and all that stuff.