lolita

i really shouldn't be this intensely erotically interested in the Lolita movie (i liked the 1997 version). i found the relationship between Lolita and Humbert quite intoxicating. i know i probably shouldn't. i also liked the secret as well (movie) the idea of barely not incest - not direct incest excites me more then i should care for.

i am the cancer that should be cut out

so i had this tiny little crush on a guy from work who is married to a chick who also worked there. and now months later it is apparantly a mutual crush. and the crush is now giant. i am still with my significant other so this isn't going to work. dave knows about the situation and knows i'll be good and try and handle things properly. but i want the both of them. i wish i was in a poly relationship still. life was easier. i was able to go out and date and flirt with people and come home to main person i was with. of course that i wouldn't go further then kissing other people. but it's not how shit works in this long term relationship. i feel shitty like i lead him on which i know doesn't fucking make sense because i thought being 10 years old then me he would just see me as a kid and go on. he told me tonight when we were chatting that he really fell for me. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. the wife thinks this is onesided(me liking him). and i know at like doctor who and rose being seperated by different dimensions me and him must remain that far apart yet that close. i want him with every fiber of myself being i want him but i can't have him. i can't i would emotionally kill myself for it. i can't walk all over the trust that dave has given me. i just can't. but i want to. but i need to be strong against this. i want to ask them both if i could go with both of them but i just can't see that dave would be happy about it. i never thought this situation would come up in a zillion years. i feel like i fucked up his dreams and hopes.

yup

codes have been something i've used as a shield for years. something to cover up what i really want to say. my mom being the child psychologist that she is loved to pull and pick apart my diaries. and me knowing this would invent codes take a good solid three days to work out the kinks and memorize it and then burn the codex to it. the more random the code the better. but this is something that will probably be cracked fairly easy. anyways. just an announcement for those who follow and start to scratch their heads at coded entries. if anybody wants to try and break it send me a message and let me know. it'd be nice to converse in codes. i haven't found anybody to converse in codes. i prefer it if i use this number code i recently invented because i frankly am very rusty at the whole code cracking stuff...

anyways.

coward

though he is probably in his very last three months tops i just can't bring myself to go and see him. i'm such a selfish coward. everybody else went to go see him and the rest of the family has gone to see him. i just don't know why i can't bring myself to it.

leukemia pt 2

so aparantly grandpa's liver is failing and he can't have any chemo

no chemo
no stem cells
no bone marrow

just pain meds and some other meds to keep things at bay but they gave him 6 months to live.
and even though we didn't get to see tons of each other. it still rips me open. i don't want some
fucking christian cow telling me how god is calling him home to heaven. if i have to deal with one
more fucking christian telling me to pray.

fuck mindless prayer
fuck your invisible friend who lets HORRIBLE shit happen
fuck god

fuck T_T i'm going to bed....

We are alone here together

And in my mind we are screaming and fighting
I tell you things that I never would say
and if you don’t love me why can’t you just hate me?
as long as you feel something
we’ll find a way

Somehow you just don’t get it
as you turn and walk away

turn and walk away - The Wallstones (swedish band)


i just want him to stop being so apathetic sometimes.
it drives me to worse feelings numbness and wanting to just disappear.
he is freaking out big time because he finally got the confession out of me he wanted.
i told him that i've been on the cusp of anorexia for years now
and i'm starting to fall into it big time.
i confessed to it all. the starving, the secret selfharming, the will, the pills.
he doesn't know about the times where i was talked down from bridges
and he doesn't know about the suicide hotline and how that is where all of my cell
phone minutes are going.

i hate shrinks but like the poor volunteers at the hotline. maybe i feel they can't
pick me apart. maybe i just like knowing i could call them seriously 24 hrs
and somebody will be there and not care that it's 4am or that they are tired.

i am also grateful to my friend Locust who has talked me down many times without ever
even knowing it.

i just don't know if i will make it all the way through life.
i just don't know people.
i just don't.

sabotage

since the beginning 3 years ago i've been trying off and on to sabotage this relationship. being messy, annoying, loud, pestering, not wanting to help clean up, and now with spending. i was as well off and on aware of it. sometimes i did it on purpose because i thought he was just going to leave me. and tonight we had the worse fight in our three years together. i crawled into the bathroom for the last two hours and sobbed into the towels. knowing that this is very well the last bit. the last twig on the camels back. i know i shouldn't feel scared but i am seriously self destructive and sometimes i can help it and other times i just want him to hurt me as much as i want to hurt myself.

and knowing that i'm sabotaging it i do try and knock it off. but lately i'm just feeling completely out of control. the more and more i want to self harm the harder i am to be around.

i fear this is his exit. and i fear it is my own as well. when he goes so do i. it's not that i don't think there isn't thing outside of him. there just isn't another relationship i will be getting in after him. and having him around stops me from self harming. when he goes that will go back into full swing.

fuck it. i might as well just fucking do it now since he is probably already planning to leave.

leukemia

my grandfather has been diagnosed with leukemia and my mom flew down to be with him yesterday. my folks wouldn't tell me what was going on at first and i had to grill them. i seriously want him to get better but he is 84 and he was in remission for intestinal cancer which took 80% of his intestinal tract. My mom has already started saying things like he's lived a long life and blah blah blah.

i don't want to hear that. i want to hear that is going to live another 20 years and to see his great grandbabies and to beat this leukemia like he beat cancer.

but the likelihood isn't good. my folks are finally telling me that he has been very very sick the last couple years. often being in the hospital fighting to keep up just a general health.

i don't have money to get a plane ticket out there. but i think i'm going to have to sell somethings like my guitar. to get up the funds to go see him if this gets any worse.

-sigh- i know he is getting up there but it doesn't make the pain hurt any less.

anyways. that is what's on my mind

dark lust

watched your ways darkly slide
colliding with my shoulders
the sick that feels
scalded coffee in the back of the throat
and that blade hid beneath ribs
with accidents seeping blood
made snowflakes on my thighs
peeling back the layers
to cut you open
consume your languor
compensate for fealty
with the bitterest regard uttered
for your pleasure only
glinting against the dark
with two saucers of pale green
predatory eyes seeking out
the wounded

....

who so sheddeth a man's blood by man shall his blood be shed

-genisis 9:6



























an eye for an eye may make the world blind but perhaps we were already blind

Spock...

Take me away... mmmmmmmmmm seriously my Vulcan fetish has only been compounded. Damn you Zachary Quinto!!!!! *drools uncontrollably* i can haz :( please ... *puppy dog eyes*

I'm a hopeless fan. Some might say it's just because of Quinto. But it's not - Nemoy captured my heart and Quinto just cements it.

Nemoy and Quinto as Spock <3

Old and new Spock both great characters.

I don't like Heros at all and the times I've seen it I've really hoped Sylar (Quinto) would just finally kill the cheerleader. she is such a stupid bitch. ugh. it is great every time he kills someone in an impossibly awesome fashion. Anyways.

Back to the matter at hand. Spock. You tasty tasty man. Maybe you could teach me how to be more logical <3 hehe

loved the childhood background on spock in the new movie. it was great but not there as much as i would have liked. there was a big portion more centered around kirk... ugh...

spock always had to bale his ass out of um EVERYthing. but they did make a great team.

still wish they would have added more child spock. the kid playing kid spock was also awesomesauce. great portrayls of the best and questionably one of the sexiest scifi charaters. :D Long live his sexiness XD













damn it now i'm horny... :(

jesus i need help XD




spock's help





he'd make my away team anyday


XD


omg




he could mind meld me anytime




hahah




:( serious professional help... seriously... *dials therapist* XD



dammit spock :( stop being tasty!


ps- dave is annoyed as hell that i would leave him for spock... even old spock :P sorry dave. vulcans are sexier then humans anyday!



my fantasy life is more developed and richer then my real life. phail. epik phail...

seriously BEST movie this year. seriously handsdown.

The glowing reviews I've seen everywhere are 100% accurate. Being a diehard trekkie and a devote kirk & spock (mostly spock <3) fan I thought Pine & Quinto nailed it! The plot was fantastic and I didn't think there was a slow spot. It started with a bang and ended with things wrapped up perfectly! The backgrounds on both Kirk and Spock were excellent with a minor critique on them spending more time on kirk. (hey i can't help it spock is more fasinating). i feared out of place goofiness from Pegg but he did great and kept it in check. the supporting cast was excellent and made it their own :D Great effects, awesome music, witty (not goofy tastefully clever) banter, tons of stuff there for trekkies. loved it and will be seeing it again! JJ Abrams fully delivered an exceptional movie! GO SEE IT NOW!!!!!!!! :P :D

hate

i've had so much hate and depression and frustration and stress.

i can't decide if i hate myself or the world more or if the world is a close second to how much i hate myself or if the world is really who i hate.

who cares about hate.

it lives in the background of my mind thrumming with a heat that just changes my reactions to everybody to a searing annoyance. i don't talk to my coworkers anymore. they still try and talk to me. i just don't care. i just don't understand why i am so miserable.

i remember when i was younger how i was thinking when i'm 21 i'm going to have a great life. decent car, job, friends. i'd be happy and have lots of art in my life. who knew that just waking up is enough for me to want to just blow my brains out.

i've gone back to pretending i'm fine for dave. it's great. he thinks i'm fine so he is happy which is good. i want him to be happy. i just want to be just a tiiiinny bit less miserable. i seriously have felt this way for years and years. who cares anyways.

i'll just talk it out -__- yeah talking helps alot. >.> <.< >.> not in my case.
i talk about it feel okay for like a day or two and then start feeling like shit again.

blehblehbleh

tried to talk to friends in chat and they ignored me everytime. bleh but hey i guess it's chat so what the fuck did i expect. i'm tired. working was long but not bad. i am transfered over to lawn and garden and it's pretty cool for what i do anyways. it's very low key and low stress which is nice. Found a new band that i liked - Matt and Kim www.mattandkimmusic.com yup pretty fun stuff. I love Kim she is such a hottie and cutie! female drummers ftw <3 Anyways.

I'm trying to get myself in the habit of writing even just a little bit everyday because I amd sorely out of it. Anyways. i'm off for now.

all tied up on the inside

got a promotion all 20 cents of it.. woooow i am rolling with the big boys now. why doesn't somebody just shoot me? it seems like there is alot of senseless shootings these days. so why not me. i work at a walmart and at night. couldn't somebody have the decency to shoot me on my way to my car one night. steal my car and leave me for dead. at least david wouldn't hate me if i died that way...

Crossroads

I've got nothing on my mind:
nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
and I've got nothing to regret,

But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was?
Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain?
Can you heal it?

Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.


I want this song playing at my funeral. Don just seemed to know how to say what i needed to but could never find the words to.

if you read this you know who you are. i am so close to just throw myself away. please save what's left of me before i throw it all away.

strangers i knew and loved

being away from everything i knew for a year and a month has changed me. i hate to sound lame. but i just don't care anymore. i've let myself go. i gained 20 pounds and let my hair grow out. i don't call anybody. don't email or really even i.m. i used to use up more then my 300 mins. a month phone plan. i just read a post on a friends blog about being alienated, hated, and rejected by her workplace. :( while one part of my heart reaches out to want to console. the other part wants to shout see see this is how i feel. all. the. time!!!! especially since moving out first from my folks house and then out here. maybe it's a good thing that i'm just dwindling into a thought in the back of some of my friends head. i've thought just not going home ever again. i know things are hard for everyone everywhere.

while people everywhere are losing their jobs and houses i'm losing my mind and way. i've been putting on the ok mask for the last week but i just want to go pavement swimming..

everytime i fail at something i keep hearing what my mom told me so many years ago.
"i'm not supposed to be alive, i'm not supposed to have lived through it all."
i've been feeling like i've lived on time that should have been for somebody else for a long time. ever since she said that. i know where she was coming from being a shrink and all. but i just can't but feel that i just shouldn't have been born. i'm just a waste. who am i kidding. i should have just killed myself years ago. i'm just a waste of money. and space. and time.

dave makes fun of me when i suggest i should try and get medicated for depression. maybe he won't fucking make fun of me when he has to identify my remains when finally jump.

it doesn't matter anyway because everyone is just going to leave me anyways. so who cares. they all think i'm really weird so what does it matter if i just kill myself. i mean people make such a big deal about it. but really what are you going to miss about me really. come the fuck on. dave will move on to another gf. and my friends will just remember me sometimes. just like fucking now. i mean who cares. boo hoo fuck them. if they fucking CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL they would call or send a card or fucking worry about me. or something. christ. i am so fucking lonely out here. i want to cut so badly. things would be easier if i could just cut. i can't because i promised dave i wouldn't. whatever. nobody is going to read this. i'm just going to get made fun of and belittled anyways. who fucking cares any fucking more.

we live in a time where we WATCH somebody KILLING THEMSELVES online LIVE and DON'T fucking DO anything. we don't care. we don't. we just want to make fun of the emos and the hurt people and blame the victim. lets all blame the victim because that will help them see how insignificat their abuse and ptsd is. yeah.

it was 10 years ago but i can't even watch a man roughhouse with his son without remembering watching my dad RAPE my brother as a kid. i just wanted to scream and throw up and pass out. instead i had to stand there at work and pretend that i wasn't really remembering my brother being raped and watching him struggle and scream and cry and plead and getting beaten and raped. no i will just stand here and fold clothes and make small talk with the mom and pretend that my childhood doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the fucking face.

god i fucking hate people sometimes. i just wish i could get through sex fucking ONCE with my fiance without feeling semi sick and forcing horrible memories of being gangraped back down into the darkness of my mind.

i need some fucking sleep.

i'm tired and so fucking depressed. i just want things to stop. i want to be the boring person that everyone else seems to be. overtanned overplucked overexposed to media and underread. maybe if i was a boring sheep like the rest of the population my life would be awesome.

(-, __ -,)

i'm out for now.

have a good night...
somebody out there...

birthdays

birthdays are a miserable excuse of a day. i hate them more and more as i get older. I think it reminds me of how much i feel like a failure and a let down to everybody. i am even hating the idea of going back to school now. not because i don't want to go or learn because i want to very much. i just don't want to waste my time and money or my families. and i think this has driven me to not study the math i should. and to not update my folks like i should. bleh. i want to stab myself. i seriously fucking hate all holidays as well. fuck...

out with a whimper

why do you always have to be such a bitch all of the time


i don't know dave. i think it's because i'm terrorfied of you leaving so i'm edging you out of my life so i can just get to what i've been attempting to do since 13. maybe if i prove how horrible i am you won't love me anymore. because i need to be right about how horrible i am because i feel like i'm horrible all of the time. i never feel like i'm good enough. smart enough. slim enough. funny enough. maybe me trying to destroy the only thing i give a shit about in this life proves how much i don't deserve to be happy. it wasn't said loudly, it was said softly. you never talk to me anymore. why should you. i treat you like crap sometimes. okay alot. seriously just want to stab myself. seriously. why don't i just do it.

maybe in a couple years

i have called off my trip to NC. i can't afford to take the week off. everybody is either out of town or busy anyway it's not like they will notice i was even there. which is perfectly ok they have lives and i'm just a passerby not apart of their lives anymore. i just don't want to have to deal with a empty house. i'm getting up the cash to pay back my plane ticket my folks bought me. it's going to break my younger brothers heart but i just don't think i'll be able to go out there at this time. i'm just kinda tired and worn. the end of the year is always kind soul wearing and i always get sick around christmas (._.) bleh.
things are only getting better though. come the end of march i will be trucking and making better money then what i'm making now. i can't wait to look back in 5 years with a house built and money saved. i would be happy to know that i am in a better place moneywise as well as emotionally. i think by this time next year i will be able to break ties to my past. and to everything that ties me down. i think i'll just go further west or travel abroad maybe. i would love to move to scotland for a couple years and get dual citizenship eventually...


i hope everybody else has a good holiday season.

the holidays just remind me how i don't have a family or much in the way of a local support system. which is okay - i have lived through worse. i will be glad when i can let go of the things that hurt me emotionally and not cling to them. (-_-) well i'm off to rest. yet another disappointment. but that is life. a series of disappointments. just got to learn not to expect to much out of other people and not trust them and they won't let you down. because they won't be close enough to do you damage. it's lonlier but safer.