This is my week in NC and I couldn't want all those days I spent here back. I am already so homesick. I want my old bed back. my old stuff. My friends. my laugh. my smile. they left me a while ago. i'll write more later.

only the bestest starwars light saber gag ever! no seriously i love a good lightsaber fight...

Oasis Videos | Music Video Codes | Columbus Lofts

where was i while everyone else was getting high?

I've been wondering about how I've shut myself away from everyone else.
I've been in chapel hill 11 months- almost a year and I've no friends. And while that usually doesn't bother me... I have to wonder. Why didn't I let myself go out and be a human. I've noticed since the romance I've trapped myself. I've slipped further back in my progression as a mature person. I think my Sickness is progressing. I think I'm driving myself to insanity.

someday you'll find me trapped beneath the landslide

I'm caught between pushing him away and continuing to fuck myself over.
And letting go. Trusting. I've never trusted anyone. Anyone. I've started to trust him the last 6 months. Now with the leaving of NC I'm doubting everything. Everything. My existence, My purpose, My being lovable, My worth....

People In Planes Videos | Music Code | Columbus MLS

it's okay to be safe

I don't feel safe. I can't feel safe or I'll be cut to pieces. I can't breathe. I can't be open. I can't saved him. I can't be saved by anyone but me.


i'm losing control falling by the wayside

I'm so scared. I'm wanting to just fail. Just to prove them right. So they could whisper about how fucked and pathetic I was. How my brain was whacked and that's why I did it.

I'm going now.


I hope I don't do anything too stupid.

suicide... again

my suicide is eventually I've realized today. It's not the immediate goodbye world crap. It's the living and living until I feel too feeble to care about myself anymore. I'm already heading that way... I'm wanting to cut more and more and I've had a few serious attempts. But I'm trying to hold on for David. It's been a month since I last posted (close enough to a month anyways). I'm stressed and stretched. I'm feeling more then ever that I have no direction and I have no purpose. Hell is not having a purpose and being too much of a coward to end it. I have no end to the love I have for my friends, family, and my darling. He's my idea what a human should be. Sweet thoughtful, etc. He wants me forever and I just don't feel like I can do it. Not the commitment. Just life: crappy city, crappy jobs, crappy apartment, crappy furnishings, crappy food, and crappy people. Lately I just want him to find another girl. I don't want to be his heartache when I find the courage. I just can't get over the messages I recieved when I was a child. That I'm filthy, useless, a bitch, a whore, a mistake, a mess-up, a unwanted pregnancy, stupid, ugly, talentless. I feel day by day I'm crumbling into thinking that's true. It would be his emotional undoing (at least for a few months-1 year) if anything happened to me self-inflicted or otherwise. I've got to go get some air. This is too much to think about right now. I need to start packing. I can't be focusing my energy on this bullshit. I have a life I need to live instead of sitting here throwing a pity party...

more later.

How can I fear something so much I can almost taste it. It's been hard on Dave these last couple days I've been spazing out. I love him so dearly I really feel awful with the stress I've dumped out. I've resorted a couple times to cutting. And I'm thinking about slashing my shoulder with a kitchen knife.

I'm driving myself frantic. And I'm feeling trapped and can't control the panic and i can't control the pain and the weird bubbling fliting feelings.

Hells yeah... finally something to stop sickos from hurting us. They go in to attack and they get to spend the rest of the evening in the ER with plasic barbs in their dick. Serves them right. PLEASE support rapestop.net.... Women should be provided with these for free!

The world needs a little more Ninja....



more Ninja goodness!!!!

This blog is no longer read by the people who know me. By anyone who would see me on a daily basis. I wonder if my mom is right. That I wait too long for people to come to me. I think the city has changed me. Inspite of my tough exterior I feel that I'm pretty fragile on the inside. I'm feeling rubbed raw by the city and all the people in it. It just feels so fake. But then again it feels too emotionless.
Anyway, I didn't really sit down to write about that.
Bernard, where is he? And why do I feel that I've gotten him in trouble? I shouldn't have sent that email. Damn my impatience! I just wanted to hear from him. But why! Why didn't he let her know!I'm just a friend. I love him. I really do. He's my best friend. It's been 4 months since I've seen him. And I fear that that will be the very last time I shall ever see him. fuck. tears and electronics don't mix. He's been my friend for almost a year. Now I can't even email him. I can't even find out if he's ok. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so awful. I think I hurt his marriage. I wish he'd leave me a sign. A way to really understand what went down afterwards. geez. I'm a crappy friend. I'm sure he's better off without me. But I'm not better off without him. I'm miserable. He's so wise and kind. and I MISS HIM. I want him to come back and talk to me again. I hate this. I feel so stubborn right now. I don't want new friends. I want HIM. I want my old friend. The old good times. The old good talks. I don't want to go through the whole process of getting new friends and having to sift through all the lame-ass people here.
Alright. I just needed to do that.... Needed to rant and cry and whine. To be frustrated at my lame-ass self.
I have a new lame job. I'm a cashier at Hairy Peter. I'm making 8 bucks an hour so I guess that's better then most places. I have to go through the same lame training that I had to when I was last a grocery cashier. It's the same shit but a different day. ssdd. But I suppose that is what life is.


On another note.....

I'm going camping (hopefully) the last week of October. But money is very very tight right now and i doubt it will really go through but i want to go. Here's a good idea on what kind of stuff we'll be getting.... I hope we'll have enough for the supplies and for gas to and fro.

Camping Supplies
Coleman's "Red Canyon" 8 person 3 room 17' x 10' tent- 79.94
Coleman's "Montauk" Super King 6lbs 39' x 81' sleeping bag- 34.82
OmegaLight battery-free flashlight- 12.67 x2
Colibri "Firebird" lighter- 12.47 x2
Ozark Trail eggcrate padding 24' x 72'- 11.96 x2
Outdoor Productions "Daypack"- 9.86
Ozark Trail poncho- 2.86 x2
Ozark Trail portable t.p.- 1.74 x4
fuel for lighter- .98 x2
StarterLogs- .33 x1

Food Supplies

Breakfast
dozen eggs- .89
blueberry muffins- (?)
Lemon Poppy seed muffins- (?)
banana nut bread- (?)
blueberry bread- 2.50
bisquits- (?)
Morning Star sasuage patties

Sandwhich fixings (Lunches)
Nature's Own Honey Wheat bread- 2.15 x2
1lbs. turkey breast- 2.98
1lbs. honey ham- 3.24
cheese- 1.66
small sqeeze mayo- (?)

Dinners
chicken hot dogs (30)- 4.00
Morning Star chikn patties

Drinks
1/2 gal. of milk- 1.96
V8 Fusions Peach Mango- 3.99 x4
1/2 gal. gatorade- 1.77 x4

Trailmix
Blue Diamond 6oz. honey roasted almonds- 2.74 x2
7oz. honey roasted pecans- 4.17
Planter's 10oz cashews- 3.37
1/3 lbs of dried banana chips- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried mango pieces- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried cranberries- (?)

Snacks
Marshmellows- 1.00
jiffy pop- 1.63

I feel so trapped. I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't seem to go out alone afraid of what would happen. But I can't take the staying at home for hours and hours.

Hopes
hope for college degree
hope for good job
hope for nice house
hope for children

hope for good parenting skills

hope for end of indecent times
hope for friends that stick around
hope for time for myself
hope for personal growth

I'm about to attempt to make a meal that would cover all three. Not mixing the meal options. just making a meal that is hearty and stuff of that nature. Dave has called it Dinuchfeast. Let's see if I can do it. Well I'm off. Talk more later. cheers.

Fears
fear of car crash
fear of early death
fear of no true goodbye
fear of drowning
fear of suicide
fear of thunderstorm
fear of disease
fear of expensive cure
fear of no food
fear of obesity
fear of abandonment from my lover
fear of being cheated on
fear of having a broken heart
fear of cops
fear of shame
fear of loving too much
fear of not loving enough
fear of taking things for granted
fear of not living enough
fear of living foolishly
fear of being alone
fear of being crowded
fear of freezing
fear of parents dying early
fear of sibling dying early
fear of natural disasters
fear of insects
fear of fear

The idiots that continue to spam me with their sheep driven blogs are closed out. There will be no more comments on this blog. No more contacting me. I hate people. And I'd like to keep it that way. Your little sites on bedsheets and girlscouts make me sick. Go plug your pathetic sites elsewhere.

How does these days pass so quickly?! It's fallen into a eased pattern. I really can't describe anything that happens in our day to day lives as spectacular but it's a quiet sort of passion. Things were seeming to go great for about two weeks. I'd been struggling to get a job. And then out of the blue I got hired. Hired by this nutcase of a woman. I worked my ass off. Got good paid. and got fired for the stupidest reason. i had a little - little - trouble counting change. i used the machine to count back the change. i know i should be able to count change back but bah. i was quick i got things done. it was retarded. Anyway.

Dave is off tonight!!!! yay! We made love this morning and i can't imagine how i thought sex was suppose to be like. With him it's so.... undiscribable. He told me he was taking me out to dinner to cheer me up abit. That awful woman. Anyway. I'm excited. I'll find a job, things will settle down.

more later.

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. - Sir Hugh Walpoe

This song captures how i feel about him. I breathe love for him. i can't live without him. How sweet it is. He has changed me for the very best. I've made love to him and i can't love anyone else. Not like this. He is the one for me.

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

It’s been an interesting 7 months out on my own.
It's been awhile since I took time to sit down and write down my beign adventures. Here's what I'll start with....

April- Was one of the worst months of my life. I had such an awful time at work. It was freezing and rainy most of the time. The people at work were shitty, the work was shitty, the pay was shitty, the walk half way across the city.... was shitty. I worked as hard as i can for nothing.

May- one big fat fuck up. first two weeks i waited for Dave to come to pick me up. then when i got my checks i was grossly underpaid. I decided to not fight it. Moved on. The second weeks was kind of a blur. I tried to get a myself adjusted in our new apartment. It's was hard to adjust. He left about a day after he came to unpack. I was pretty overwhelmed and spent the last of May kinda swept up in figuring out bus routes and exploring the new surrondings.

June- Lounging. That's all. There's some job hunting. But we were so happy to be together that we weren't thinking at all. I don't know why we weren't thinking.

brings it up to date enough.

kk. So now I'm in July. The 7th. The day four young muslims killed themselves and several others. Injurying hundreds in the London subway. I've obeserved the silence today. And in the silence I try to construct what that is like. The sudden explosion, the screams, the pain, blood, the panick, the shock. What horrors are in store this coming year. I know this year isn't over, yet. But how many aniversies will we have to remember. Pearl Habor, 9-11, 7-7. Those are the ones I can think of. I know there are many other dates but I'm too young and ignorant to know these.

Besides terrorism today there's been many things in mind. So many that it shall take a while for me to really construct them in coherent thoughts.

The first being my dear friend Bernard. I know that It's been so long since I really got to sit down and have a talk with him. There's so much that's come and gone on that i really can't be put into an email. It has to put into a dialogue. A long meandering sweet, sad, humorous, talk. Over dinner, then dessert, and tea. I've missed him so bad. I want our talks back. I want the dinners and the quiet times back. The only schedule is my work schedule. Not this herding of time. I want our strolls though the bookstores and debates about everything: comics, relationships, pens, history, philosophy, politics, movies, music, books. My fondest wish is to see him soon.

I'm worried about getting a job. I can't seem to get one. I've been all over this town and I've not found anything. I'm just about done with looking. It's frustrating. David has a job working for Papa John's as a driver, he just started though. So he won't be seeing his paycheck until next friday. He's working 4-8pm everynight until Tuesday. Then he'll be getting his schedule. I'm not just living off his paycheck. It can't work like that. I mean. I have to get a job. To at least pay back all the money he's spent on rent. I've got to make it even.
I'm thinking about me and my parents. My mom and I had a really nice talk. And I feel like we can mend things. I'm pretty surprised about it. But when things go well I've stopped trying to figure out why. It's pretty pointless to try and figure anything out. It's just vastly beyond my comprehension. I slept over at their house on the fourth after the huge party. It was nice to see them all again.

There's the future plans to go to Figure Eight beach for about a week in August possibly the third or last week. Camping. I'm trying to gather as much info as I can to decide how best to set everything up. I'm really excited about it.
Then there's the plans to go to KS for about a week for Thanksgiving. He's excited to show me all sorts of places there. And to introduce me to the Fam. The ex wants him to visit her and I'm feeling pretty unhappy about this. I know that she's needy and pyschotic. But god damn I'm not going to deal with her with pleasure. If he wants to introduce me, then fine. I'll keep my mouth shut. Grr. She still calls twice everynight and texts him at least 2 or 3 times sometimes 4 times. A NIGHT. She's so lonely and pathetic. I mean he doesn't even like to talk to her. She doesn't listen to his feelings or thoughts when he tells her stuff. She just ignores him. I don't want to deal with it. I really don't... I'm trying to behave. She's just making it really hard for me to do so.

Finally. I'm thinking of my dear and only friend (peer). I'm starting to feel that we've grown apart. I'm seeing so many negetives to the situation that she's in right now. I always thought of her as strong. But when I told these things to mom she reminded me, "Strong people don't act this way. She's decided to live this way. You can't make her do anything." She's right. But I want to HELP. I want to fight for her even if she doesn't stick up for herself. I mean how can she put up with being walked on constantly! I know if Dave started doing that to me I wouldn't have it. No man treats me that way! He doesn't help with housework, he ignores her most of the time and sticks to being on the computer, he won't give her respect when she brings up serious promblems. I think he's being abusive and she should move on. There are good men out there. It might take a while to find one but it will happen.

I either never noticed her pro-gun/pro-weapon stance or it really wasn't much developed. He's pro-gun. That's not bad but that's pretty flawed thinking. He doesn't really have strong thoughts to support he's rather naiive ideas and morales. He said to me (the last time me and Dave were over) "What would you do if someone just broke into the house? Someone who wanted to kill you. How would you protect yourself?" I - being exhausted from a very long day couldn't respond. He continued, "The cops won't be able to help you in time. If you don't own a gun then you won't be able to defend yourself." pause "I believe everyone in America should own a gun." There's flaws in that. NO. NOT EVERYONE NEEDS A DEATH DEALING WEAPON. The nicer parts of towns have a drastically lower crime rate. Better parenting, better schools, better people to be around, better encouragement from others. They influence a child who will become a stable person. If you live in a rough part of the city - like they live- yes. You do need a gun. Because the people around are grimmy, sleazy, drug and alcohol riddled. Awful parenting, gangs beome like a family, drugs help block out all the terrible childhood memories, and constant and negetive peer influence. Duh. Shitty lawless people. It was their DECISION to live in one of the worst neighborhoods in Durham. They had been house/townhouse/apartment hunting. But settled on living there instead of moving out of that place. What a dumbfuck idea. There are very few things that I'll pass judgment on with Mouse. But continuing to live in a place where there's gun fights is just suicidal. Of course they need a gun now.

There's nothing really wrong right now. In fact we are getting along just fine. But I'm not sure how long I'll be able to listen to her. I support her. At least I try my best to. I'm not sure I can support this though. She isn't able to get him to listen. That is where I give little "modivations". Like, "Do ____ like I've requested so sweetly or you can consider yourself single." or "Please ____, I've tried talking to you nicely about this many times. Either consider my feelings and thoughts or you'll need to look for another apartment _____." or "We NEED to talk. I'm under the impression that you don't care what I'm thinking or feeling. I've requested you to ____. Please consider listening to me or you'll be sleeping alone." If kind words don't work then threats should. If that doesn't work, Then pack him and send him on his way.

Bleh. I'm done thinking about this.

I fear that we are starting to be alot more different then we were at first. We were different people certainly but not like this. i'm starting to feel like we have few things in common. She doesn't stand up for herself, she's pro-guns, not making good choices for living conditions,. Not sure what to do. I don't hate her. I love her quite abit. But I guess I'm just struggling with letting her be her own person and not trying to rescue her.

I don't know what to do really.
Better wait this out abit longer.
That's what Dave suggests.


I'm stunned that even with the couple big fights we've had, the struggles with money, and us generally getting sick of each and needing space. We've been very close. We tell each other everything. I've had so much support, love, compassion, etc. from other that I'm fearing that he isn't real. We lean on each other and learn from one another and life.

I love him! We're planning out the fall and the vacations and the various trips. I'm so excited. It's beautiful the times we have together. The love that is holding us together. We are so strong, I think that we can overcome anything.

2 hours everynight. I'm wondering honestly if I'll be able to be patient. I know he is busy with stuff. And i know that he misses her and still loves her. It's been so wearing to have him on the phone like that.

We had our first bug fight last night. It was after he took an hour to say goodnight to his ex. he was on the phone fore 2 hours before that. and i just boiled over.

How can I think this way.
i'm so disgusted and disappointed in myself. I'm thinking about working in a strip club. i'm so angry at myself and at him. how can he not care. shouldn't he care. shouldn't he want to stop me. to insist against it. i guess not.

shouldn't i insist that it's not something i should do??

i give up. i'm tired of this stress. if stripping gets the bills paid then here i go.
i have nothing to say to him right now. i have no more words left. there's nothing left. i'm going to need to give myself some time to get use to this degrading life.

i don't even want to go home anymore.
i could hitch a ride out of state.

but i know that's just being purely immature.
it's just the stress from everything. i needed time alone.
this is it. the time to group my thoughts together.
i'm ready to go home i think.

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in... isn't really your home anymore. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit... that idea of home is gone. I still feel at home in my house. You'll see one day when you move out.Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for... For your kids.For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I missthe idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." - Andrew Largeman.

I've been feeling that lately. like there isn't much to remember about home. it felt so strange at first. but it's been so long - at least it feels like it - it's been really hard these last few days to really organize thoughts and motives right now... right at the moment. how am i to explain all the chains i've bind myself to. i gather sadness like the city gathers gloom when the day is done. I don't know why i'm feeling so out of it this morning. it's like i'm sad about nothing.

I think I'm homesick for a place that no longer knows my name.

I visited them at home once. and it's been a month since i talked to them and i miss them more then i ever thought i would. I want my dad to give me a hug to say, "that you are trying and that it's okay to fall down." i want my old bed and my old room. i want nothing more to care about them. to really love them. but i want my own space, my freedom. i'm conflicted. i think i want things my way and not to really be responsible for either. Dad warned me that I would regret my pull away and demanding freedom. and that my sort of freedom has a cost.


"In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,This world you must've crossed... you said...You don't know me, you don't even care, She said You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..." - "Boston" Augustana

I'm happy that David's home. But we've not really done job hunting and it's starting to worry me a little bit too much. I'm starting to feel a little tense about it all. He's run down to a couple dollars. And I've no money to my own name. but things will work out. though i'm glad that he is here to stay there's a fragment that regrets this more then anything. I'm seeing that he is still a child in some ways. The terror, hunger, loneliness, depression, despair, worry, etc hasn't been experianced by him. but that isn't a fault, he'll live and break in new experiances. I miss the floating around on my own. i miss the loneliness. the empty house. the razor blade... i'm wanting to be by myself. and i want to cut. i've thought about it alot lately. this time. i want it to control the fear, the overwhelming feelings i have.
it's such a clean way to stop the pain and the feelings and thoughts i don't want to deal with.


light candles, put on Golden Age of Grotesque turning it to 11 in my headphones, put the lights down low, strip my shirt off sitting in my tank top, slowly glide the sharpest razor across my shoulder, little slivers of red hot numbness, letting the tiny drops of blood drip down to my elbow.

i'm done.... i think writing about it as satisfied the urge. it's a dark sick little urge but i've promised and stuff...
so i'm not going to do it anymore. not as long as he is in my life.

i wanted to flip over a staircase banister at the duke chapel the other night. the trio (mouse, puck, me) went and snuck around to see what was going on. we went up this several story high metal fire escape staircase. i wanted to so bad to just snap it to a close. but who knows. god or something has a purpose for me.

hmm i'm tired and should spend a day alone tomorrow. i'm thinking i'll just lock myself in the office after i get out and about. i have a long dear friend to visit. and i have a job interview. then i'll just go in the office and be there as long as i need. or i'll just go to the library or i'll go out walking. or take a bus. or maybe i'll go hangout with people. yeah. i'm really tired of being home. i'm lazy but meh this is way too much. i want silence. and of course marilyn blasting in my ears so loud so i can't hear myself thinking. well.

i'm off to finish the dishes and to clean up my art stuff.
more later.

it's been an interesting move i think....
the man that i've been chilling with has fallen in love with me. another addison sadly enough. addi doesn't talk to me. and has barked at me on gt today. bitch.
i'm really tired of this. does he not even like me as a friend.

anyway. so people are bitches.

here's a song i wrote about dave

i no longer drink strong coffee
or take long walks after dark
maybe it's because i'm alone
maybe it's because it seems so empty without you

only dream i hold onto
of you coming home in a blazing light
that traces your figure in gold filigree
with a halow of wild russet curls

the park's empty today
wish you were here to capture the beauty
maybe the absence has made my heart fonder
maybe your absence tears me apart

come home safe is all i ask of you
come home safe to my arms, i'll comfort you
comfort your travel worn frame
take away all your sadness

i hope it's the last time i have to say goodbye to you
if you have to go after this
don't know if i'll survive
my heart may die altogether

it's obscene. there's something that is pulling me in. and here's the secret that i don't think will be welcomed. but there's a little cancer that is growing inside me. it isn't that i've been planning to announce it. it's just something i'm writing about. the more i think about it the more i want it though. and the thing is. i won't be able to have it. anymore. i need it. that silver kiss against my skin. the red rain dripping down. icy shivers of pain. but i need another kiss. another. andother. dragging my nails down the kiss-less shoulders. i need the kisses. and he'll never understand why. but it's nothing that can be done. for i will not feel another silver kiss.

In a single sweep every emotion was ran through me. the packing and moving was far too hard and fast. he was here in a blur of sound and motion, then gone. the emptiness and newness of the apartment was overwhelming, it's difficult to describe what it's like to go from money to not eating most days. the changes inside are subtle; the knowledge i already had isn't any more or less. perhaps it's that it's finally clicking. i can't be selfish anymore. it seems simple enough and perhaps it always was.

there's some scrub trying to pick me up today. ( http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=scrub ) The guy kept trying to play me. it was so obvious! it's sad. There are so many black men that are scrubs. I'm looking fly regardless of my outfit. Well... i lost my train of thought. he's trying to talk to me again...

he asked, "have you ever been with black man"
here's some lines
"I'm just looking for a shorty to be friends with..."
"i would never take advantage of you"
"i've had girls come after because of my body too"
"i'd never hurt you... only if you want me too"

then he kept hinting that he wanted to get a hold of me somehow....

fuck.
i wish he'd leave me alone.
i'm done with dating.
done with the "playa" men.
i'm glad i'm all settled and done.
i'd hate to go through this shit during the summer. or just at all. dating blows!
i fucking know what i look like. and i'm really tired of fending off scrubs, playas, and just plain creeps.

crash, crash, crashing down
tumbling in this sea of relentless sound
metal, steel, and things painted to look real
dark eyes casting long shadows
down the length of the street
trembling under the wolf gaze
pulling the brim alittle lower

The stares are getting to much. last night dave would have yelled at me...

i laid around for like an hour after he left and cried... i know i was being silly
then i went out and walked into town... it scared me so bad. there was several men traveling in packs of 5 that gave me looks i began to get edgy about... i couldn't take being in that house alone! it seemed so empty. i stayed out until 12. i visited my friend who is the manager at the i love ny pizza on franklin. i asked to borrow his phone for a local call (mouse), i went into the small office and started to make the call... he came in afterwards and talked to me. he kept wanting to hold me. he kept pressing himself against me. he kissed my forehead, then my neck on either side and he ran his hand around my body. i froze. i couldn't move. i wanted to yell. i couldn't find my voice. i couldn't find my fighter stance. finally, when i realized he was going to have his way with me i told him to stop. barely in a whisper. then hearing that i could speak i said it louder with more force. i turned the door to leave and he grabbed my arm and pulled me back "can i kiss you? please? let me... please... one." i said, "no, you can't" the response, "why?" "because i said so." i walked out as fast as i could. he knew i was getting married, that i loved my boy, that there's nothing that any man can do that would measure up to him. i have what i've waited - and continue waiting - for. he is in love with me. he told me he missed me when i went in to talk to him. i feel sick that i froze. his co-manager said he'd drive me home but in order to do so he'd have to sleep over or he'd take me out clubbing. but he wouldn't just drive me home. he wanted to sleep with me... and he was shameless enough to openly ask me for it. the crass attitude i recieve is at times a little much. i walked home and got there around 1am...
i couldn't sleep and started to paint a portrait of david... i did finally go to bed at around 4am and woke up at 8am. i woke hearing myself calling him back to bed and patting the bed.
"baby, come back to bed... i'm cold"

i have to grow up now. i have to work harder then i have before. the strength i know i have i must gather. this is it. if i fail him now i don't know what will keep him by my side... it scares me so bad. he told me he wasn't as strong as i was. he cried when i told him what was going on inside me when he talked to me the way he was. it made me feel so evil to make him cry. but the couple days before i was crying scared that he hated me. i had to tell him....

i'm still scared that he will be as cold as he was before. but i have faith that he will be my angel. the man i'll spend forever with. raise my children with. grow old with....

i pray this to be so.
for my sake.
for my heart can't take much more.
if he can't be loving and there for me then i can't love him anymore.
i'll always be there for him as his best friend. i wish him only the best - regardless of the pain. and if he can't be happy with me then there has to be a woman that will.
i must go walk home.
the longer the walk the sadder i become.
i feel that i'm always walking.
sometimes i wish i could walk to where he is.

numb-
i'm tired of being what you want me to be feeling so faithless lost under the surface i don't know what you're expecting of me put under the pressure of walking in your shoes [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] every step that i take is another mistake to you i've become so numb i can't feel you there become so tired so much more aware i'm becoming this all i want to do is be more like me and be less like you can't you see that you're smothering me holding too tightly afraid to lose control cause everything that you thought i would be has fallen apart right in front of you [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] every step that i take is another mistake to you [caught in the undertow / just caught in the undertow] and every second i waste is more than i can take but i know i may end up failing too but i know you were just like me with someone disappointed in you

if we've worked things out.... why do i feel so trashed...
i am not good enough for anyone. my parents told me so and i'm starting to see it. i'll never be good in relationships.

the distance has always been there.... has he moved on.... met something more he style or has he just decided that i'm not worth it... if it's honestly the money then he can have the money... i'll pay him back and cut this off. i don't want him to come here as a science experiment. i love this man. more then i can ever love any man. i honestly don't know what i'll do when he decides in about a month that he hates me.

my friend ja:
umm....well at this present time you know all that i have talked to you you seem sooo great and it makes me want you for my own and i wasnt lieing when i said that i wanted the best for you and David but i was kind of jelious of him to have a woman like you and just sitting here talking to you and just hearing you laugh and just care free made me a very happy person and also i guess i should admit that i do like you alot just something about you just brings out the happyness in me

he feels the same... he wants to see me happy just puck.... but puck isn't himself. and i'm not sure what has happened.

puck: Cherry, you might not get this for a while, but I just wanted you to know that I'm missing a lot right now. I'm actually getting some hw done and I keep imagining we're already living together and I'm waiting for you to come home. maybe a phone call. a text just to hear from you; not because I'm worried. I just want some sort of contact. looking through old text messages or checking my voicemail just wouldn't be enough. I guess that longing always proves how much you truly need someone. with me sitting here alone helps my mind wander, and since I'm supposedly thinking about hw, it decides to think about you instead. (not that I mind. I'm getting work done anyway) I doubt that this is anywhere near what you feel, but it's a start. text communication and phone conversations aren't enough (like I even have to say it) but they do keep me from missing you so much especially since we don't go twelve hours without contact with each other. ok, except for when I don't have time to talk to you before school because I was up late or something like that. it'll suck if you don't get this, but I guess I can just resend it when you get online. and I won't have to worry about closing this window and losing it because message archiving rocks! *hides*

does he remember this? this tenderness... this overwhelming devotion. it has left him. what has happened?

where is my baby?
mousie is so confused as well.... she doesn't understand why this happening... she told me today that she sees that he's feeling trapt. he isn't though. he can walk right out that door... he isn't chained to me...

has he decided he wants her instead?
is she perferable to me?
if she is then i'd rather him be happy with her or any other girl...
i don't want a miserable man on my hands...

i hope my angel comes home to me.

You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside looking in on you
You were always the mysterious one with dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
Besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see
This is my heart bleeding before you, this is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You were always brilliant in morning
Smoking your cigarettes and talking over coffee
You philosophies on art,
Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar
You'd teach me of honest things
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you
Excuse me, think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn, somebody more like myself
These foolish games are tearing me apart
You're tearing me, tearing me, tearing me apart
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart
You took off your coat and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that

finally home... i've regrouped and have thought about my last post....
i hope he gets on...
earlier he was out with his ex mother's day shopping.... but he said he'd be on....

i'm laying here feeling so vulnerable and broken.... how can i let myself be so worn for all this silliness. i broke down and talked to jessie. i sobbed and rambled the entire 30 min ride home and when i got home we stood inside the apartment and i sobbed and rambled for 10/15 more min....

who's clever idea was it to schedule to incredibly stressful events within two/three days of each other???

that's right! i'm the jenious that decided that!

well.... i'm done pouting about it....

i'll bend over and take this all up the ass and smile the entire time about it!
coz that's what ladies do! they don't complain or needlessly whine! NO! they grin and bear it!

kk.... i'm maniac right now.... but i'll be even keel and Desperate Housewives perky come Wednesday....

kk...
i'll wait up for him...
hope he gets on if not i'll be sad....
but hey! that's me! pathetic!

I'm sitting here at mousie's with the most incredible mix of feelings.

i feel like stomping and holding my breath.....

then i feel resigned and souless.

i feel defensive

feel secretive

feel wounded

feel self-hatred

feel lost

feel worthless

the mix is wrecking havoc on who i am....

my body is thinning out and mouse is fussing about me.

i'm sad that i have to wait longer. but i shouldn't be in such bad form. i almost don't want to see him at all. i just want his mom to come out and drop the furniture and stuff. I'd be able to talk to her and really see what she's like. how selfish this thought is. this is my journal.... i can express this and then ignore the feelings i know are bad. but damn it i'm expressing them.

i want to be stubborn and say that since i can't have it my way then i don't want it any way....
but he needs to see me more then anything. and i'm being immature...
I've been able to see him with the webcam and it's made things so much better - for me.
on the other hand he hasn't seen me in almost three months

there's this feeling that's started to grow about a week or so ago... the vast emptiness inside it's doubling in size. i'm going out on Monday after jess helps me move what she can. i'm just going out. i don't know where. but i'm not going to sit at home anymore. i can't take it. if it's early enough then i'll go job hunting. if it's too much later in the day... i'll wander. walk and ride the bus. all over. or i'll just shut the laptop off and ignore everyone. i'm wanting to say these cold words:

i don't care anymore... come when you want i don't really care. who knows i just might not be there when you do come. i'll pay you back and break the lease and pay the difference. i'm not here for anybody anymore. i'm shutting you all out and i'm not letting you - any of you - near me anymore. have a nice life leave me out of it.

but i know these words aren't what i mean. what is true.

what's true is i'm very much in love with him. that i do care, that i all i need is to see him. i'm losing that gentle part of me. i feel it. i'm unsure why i'm feeling this way. too many times i'm pushing away when i need to get close.

okay.

i'm done talking about this.
i'm not in the mood to talk to anyone tonight.
i'm going home and staying offline.
i'll probably change my mind.
but i'm not eating and i'm not seeing people.
if those who know me and email want to try and leave me a message that way then....

goodluck. send me something. i'll answer at some point. possibly.

ah! baths should have a deity. man i was fucking feeling sickly and lame. i took a bath for an hour. let half of it drain and put more hot water in several times. i've been feeling really sick. then again i've not been good to myself often. i'm feeling so much better afterwards.... i think all the things i feel about myself - the bad stuff the stuff about me disliking myself is true. but i think i just lay in the thoughts, if i don't have something to do then i'm listless. anyway. i'm off. to do. something.

life is a nightmare, life is a dream
life is never what i want it to seem
days become longer till they are light-filled torture
eyes cry out from the burning
body shattered by the emptiness surrounding
i'm short of stable; lay down ashamed
will i ever find that smile i had months ago

he's need to make me happy is worrying me. i love him dearly but right now i can't be happy. i try for him. it's hard to break when you are already broken. hard to fall to pieces when your already shattered.

The first cut is the deepest Sheryl Crow - I would have given you all of my heart but there's someone who's torn it apart and she's taking almost all that I've got but if you want, I'll try to love again baby I'll try to love again but I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest 'cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest I still want you by my side just to help me dry the tears that I've cried cause I'm sure gonna give you a try and if you want, I'll try to love again but baby, I'll try to love again, but I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest 'Cause when it comes to being lucky she's cursed when it comes to lovin' me she's worst but when it comes to being loved she's first that's how I know The first cut is the deepest, baby I know The first cut is the deepest

i fucking hate all this stress. I want to get this move over and done with.

I'm feeling like the failure my parents always said i was. the checks aren't even close to coming in this week. i'm relying on him and i'm scared. my parents told me i'd be a leech. they are right. i'll never amount to anything. i am really tired of living. i wish there was a nice way to just up and leave. to just lie and make it convincing and go away. why do people care about me. i'm a slacker, failure, selfish. why is my endearments an excuse for them to still love and miss me.... it's like everyone else can see all of my goodness and i can hardly tell at all. can i please be hated?! i want to love them but i don't know if i can. i know something's broken and i'm trying to fix it anyway i can. but i'm feeling that my best is shit compared to what other people do. friends just can't be found and i'm real tired of this way of life. Everyday his arms are closer to mine. I'm sad that i effect him so when i'm sad. i love him and don't doubt him. i just doubt if i am really worthy, it's a foolish thought. he told his mom asked him if he knew what he was getting himself into and i've sat here and mulled over that question for hours. i can't find a reason not to be with him. in fact i don't want to ever go with out him. i'm not the same when he is away. it's been so lonely with out him here; and nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling...

speaking of lonely tears....

i'm going to see the family thursday early evening. for dinner and stuff. i'm excited to see the new house. my dad told me on my birthday that if i need anything that i should call him and he'll try to help me. i'm unsure what he thinks of me anymore - as a person. i really do feel like i've not even come close to living up to even a 10th of how i could. my brother travis misses me so badly. it hurts to know that he is so lonely for me most of the time. and most of the time i have trouble thinking of my family. baba is a sweetie and loves me too but i don't know. my siblings are so loving and adore me. *tears fall* i wish i could be there- be the sister they need. the funny wise smartass cool older sister. i fail at so many things.... i'm amazed when i have small insignificant successes which is probably another way i fail. The even keel of a long tiring day of work is satisfying. The stale hours of trying to hunt for one. being stuck at home. etc is something i can't take. i'm packing all of my memories in tiny cardboard boxes and giving away my childhood clothing like autumn leaves. how life shifts so quickly three months ago i would have laughed at the idea of puckster living with me. and now that it's happening i'm so terrorfied. i'm not sure how it'll work out. i have to try with him. i have to let myself relax and breathe. let it all in and not fight and deny and try and tear down and apart like i have habit in doing.

i have to get something that is currently pretending to be sleep. it's fucking 4am. i'm not dreaming things i want to remember. someone should be with me here. i want to wake up crying and snuggled down into his safe arms. i woke up the last couple weeks either wanting to cry or crying. last night i had this dream about david dying in my arms. i sat up and cried for like a half hour. i had one a couple nights after that about david storming from the house and sitting in his car glaring at me. i had a horrible dream about david catching me cheating on me. then i had one about him going back to ks to visit his family and going bak to his ex. damn it i want these shitty dreams to leave me. i can't imagine those things happening but shit happens. and people change their minds and grow apart or stuff like it. well i'm going to sleep. i hope david doesn't die in my dreams again *cries a little*. laters - cherry

"Vienna" The Fray - The day's last one-way ticket train pulls in We smile for the casual closure capturing There goes the downpour Here goes my fare thee well There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Only so many words that we can say Spoken upon long-distance melody This is my hello This is my goodness There's really no way to reach me (x3) 'Cause I'm already gone Maybe in five or ten yours and mine will meet again Straighten this whole thing out Maybe then honesty need not be feared as a friend or an enemy This is the distance And this is my game face There's really no way to reach me (x2) Is there really no way to reach me? Am I already... So this is your maverick This is Vienna

okay peoples, i've not really kept up on this blog as i would want to. i really only have a handful of people who know about it and about two that read it regularly enough to notice i've not posted.

here's the email i got from the parental unit. i'm horrible about piecing parents together. mostly because parents didn't make sense to me when i was little. so i figure that they are suppose to be confusing. It's a straightforward letter so i can't complain about him being puzzling. However....

> > We miss you.
> Not sure what your life plan is in regards to
> us/your family. Under normal circumstances,
> teenagers/young adults usually distance themselves
> while working on their lives and reaching full
> independance. Usually a strong bond sustains the
> relationship during any temporary disruptions (ie
> you & Travis).
> During this time of achieving independance, the
> parent child relationship also changes quite a bit
> from the parents point of view. When raising
> children, parents "needs" are often neglected or set
> aside on purpose to achieve family goals. You will
> probably find this hard to believe, but, much of our
> strictness while raising you was done for your
> benefit, not some internal, selfish need on our
> part. Of course, we also made many errors in
judgement, too. It has always been very obvious to
> us that you have not agreed with the way we raised
> you. Now you have the independance and power to
> "escape" if you want.
> Similarly, we as parents and independant adults,
> have the right to expect our needs to be met in
> adult relationships. Mom has a very obvious need
> for honesty, authenticity, responsibility, ethics...
> in her life relationships. Most people do. Years
> of parenting (as well as working in the adoption
> field) has left her little tolerance, especially in
> her closest relationships.
> Many, many times in foster/adoptive situations, the
> children choose to become estranged from adoptive
> parents and loose their connection. Parents
> expectations are a burden that is happily tossed
> aside. Perhaps there never was a strong connection
> and it's just "normal" for all parties to go their
> seperate ways. I suppose our circumstances have
> never been normal.
> I do know that any relationship that is not nurtured
> will deteriorate.
> Just something for you to think about if you want to
> - please don't feel the need to reply - no defense
> of your actions or personal philosophy is needed,
> it's none of my business anymore.
> > Dad
> > ps Last night on Star Trek Next Generation Worf
> said something like "there is nothing of value to
> be gained if no sacrifice is required".

i feel that i'm told i'm missed and then told that they don't care. i don't know. perhaps i'm blind to this all because i'm sitting right here in it all. I have no resources right now to deal with this shit. i'm tired of the emotional tidal waves that crash on me and swallow me and kick my ass every step of the of way

i mean it seems like whenever i'm halfway halfway happy and settled then some other pile of shit gets dumped on me. i wish i wasn't being a total asshole and dumping the stress i have on the man i love so dear. He deals with so much with the smallest little effort. i should study him. see how he deals with stuff. idunno. he claims it's nothing. but i'm sure it has to wear on him at times. i love him more then anything but i do worry about him; my guardian angel. how can i best explain how i worry about abusing him, smothering him, taking him for granted. i know i haven't and i know i don't intend to - but the road to hell is paved with every good intention. i'm so afraid to love him, more afraid to lose. fight a past that doesn't let me chose. i'm so afraid to hurt him more then anything else. i always end up hurting people. It doesn't matter. I'm not suppose to be with people; i'm a monster. i'm sweet and loving oh yes, but i have a nasty bite. and i don't want to bite! but who knows perhaps i can tame this beast within without hurting anyone or myself. btw this pic was taking after he was out four wheeling in the mud. heheh. he looks so little. i bet he was so terribly shy when he was a child. to be there when he was little! how sweet he looks right there. this look of "i'm not tracking mud in...... really i'm not. i just happen to be covered in it."

"Come What May"
Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
Want to vanish inside your kiss
Everyday I love you more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
It all revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high no river too wide
Sing out this song and I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather and stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Oh come what may, come what may I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place...

Come what may, come what may
I will love you until my dying day

Fired. From Pepper's. For no real good reason. I showed up on time, worked as hard as I can. and they said i wasn't a good fit for them. I know I tried my hardest. I was really depressed the other night and wanted to cut badly. I sat at several bus stops last night (1am) and thought about buying a box cutter. But i made it home and cried until 4:30am passed out in the middle of it all.....

damn it anyway. I got up early to talk to him and he isn't on. I should have just slept in instead of being retarded and getting up before my body was ready. but there are sacrifices to be made if i am going to be able to keep up with my boy. Plus being up early gives me the bitter comebacks needed when dealing with that asshole Christophe on GT. I can't fucking take him. He's so ass backwards. I wonder if there is a way that most- if not all of the peoples on gt could sign a petition to get rid of his stanky ass. The problem with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard. And lord knows his sperm and egg donor erm i mean mom and dad needed a lifeguard. I have no idea what the reason god has from him existing. anyway........

i miss him!!!!!
God damn it.

I'm broke and feeling likt i'm being slowly slowly swallowed whole. I'm panicking about getting the money to both of the apartments on time... I'm feeling even more of a failure then usual. I know he tries his best to remind me i'm not a failure. i can't help but crying and hating myself right now.

But he's broken me down. I have finally accepted his offer to pay for the new apartment. I'm feeling so vulnerable. he's my second half. we can go from serious to casual with an ease. I know this is my life- him. I can't live without him. He completes me so sweetly

It's already the 20th! the end of the month is coming soon. My dad's birthday is on the 23rd and i'm uneasy has to what i should do. me and my folks never really worked together. the distances between have helped and harmed. it's something so complicated that i'm not going to express my thoughts completely. there are alot things that should be happening today. packing. taking apart my room. i'm completely anxious about my apartments and money. but i can't talk to him again about it. i'm just chewing the issue to bits and there's nothing i can really do about it at this point.

Let me fall- Josh Groban
Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment when fear
And dreams must collide
Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them
Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise
I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains
Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me
So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear
Let me fall
If I fall
There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

I'll Be - GGD
The strands in your eyes
That color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains
Thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated,
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival
You're my living proof
My love is alive and not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows
Of heartache that hang from above
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I've dropped out
Burned up
Fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in
Turned on
Remembered the things you said
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
I'll be your cryin' shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of you life

April. sigh. Last night I had a very detailed dream i woke from about David. When i woke i smelt his skin in the air... The closer the days come to may the tighter my lungs seem. till i can only breathe in a mix of excitement and terror. I'm so scared of meeting his mother. I'm going to be a daughter-in-law!? I'm not really much of a daughter. How can I pretentd i'm not overjoyed to see him? That this encounter is casual? When I know I'm needing to jump on him, kiss him sweetly, and have him wrap his loving arms around me. I can't though- it'd give it all away. He told his mother i was just a friend. I'm not as good an actress as I want to be. Damn appearances! I need him to be a boyfriend! I need the first moment back together joyful and giggly not stressed and strained. i hate huge secrets like this. And him and his mom have HORRID planning skills. I felt so pissed last night when he sent me texts telling me that since they will both be driving here May 15-17; that they will be able to take me to Kansas with them. *pulls hair out*. and Dave doesn't talk to his mother about her plans. i could've saved Mousie $95! He said he'd handle it all and i have no doubt at all he will. he's my baby, and i trust him with everything. Except travel plans. that will not be left to him! there are somethings that need a female fully functioning brain. I miss him!

Slide- GGD
"And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful
May do you wanna get married

Or run away

I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at all
So why don't you slide"

woot!
i'm so happy that linda let me borrow her camera.... since he sent me the little clip i've wanted to make a film for him..... i've tried twice. i like them both.... they say the same things. but in two different places

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view¤t=MOV00616.flv

and

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view&current=minikiss.flv

hehe.... i luv him!!!!

alright then. i'm doing abit better these days. i have stopped cutting and David has helped me through some stuff i've struggled with...

he's a smile that heals me!

sex is no longer sex... it's the hardest thing to explain to anyone. since his loving embrace. especially the very first one... how can i define sex in the way i thought of even two months ago? this beauty, consummate passion, clumsy grace. The meaning of it so starkly obvious. How could i think of sex then anything else but with him? but with the compelete shiver of feeling divinely touched.


love has me thinking of stargazing.....

"The Stars" William Wordsworth
The stars are mansions built by Nature's hand,
And, haply, there the spirits of the blest Dwell,
clothed in radiance, their immortal vest;
Huge Ocean shows, within his yellow strand,
A habitation marvellously planned,
For life to occupy in love and rest;
All that we see--is dome, or vault, or nest,
Or fortress, reared at Nature's sage command.
Glad thought for every season!
but the Spring Gave it while cares were weighing on my heart,
'Mid song of birds, and insects murmuring;
And while the youthful year's prolific art--
Of bud, leaf, blade, and flower--was fashioning
Abodes where self-disturbance hath no part.

"Are We Watching the Same Star?" William Mae
I'm looking at this star tonight,
Wishing wishes would come true.
I wonder where I stand and look
If you see the same star too.
Does the darkness overwhelm you,
Where you stand and look tonight?
Do you see the star I’m watching?
Could we both stand in it's light?
Tonight although there's miles between us,
Perhaps our souls will somehow meet.
At the point this star begins,
Our hearts will find their beat.
Do you feel the need for someone,
To fulfill your empty life?
I'm wishing for the same thing,
As I watch this star tonight.
This gentle breeze I'm feeling,
Calms my heart of sorrow.
I'm wondering will it find you,
And soothe your heart tomorrow.
A hopeless born romantic,
Ever searching for true love.
Wishing wishes in the darkness
To this star that hangs above.

"Little Star" James Mills
A zillion miles of night caress the little star.
One amongst countless it shines, knowing only itself, bravely blazing.
For it knows no other way.
A zillion years of light burst from the little star.
Wished upon, sung to, followed, all its' shining life.
Little star. Little star.
Probing eyes lit on it; photographed and spectroscoped it.
Analyzed; they deemed it -ordinary, tagged it with a strange, forgettable name. Pronounced it long ago Dead.
Long ago dead, they said.
The little star, dead.
Light in the night, bright dreamy light, white and a little blurred.
Dead? Absurd.
Something in us may have died.
But not our little star.

three cheers for the internet and all things modern. . . . Only coz I'm able to be emotionally near my baby. My light.

http://s42.photobucket.com/albums/e340/wallshadow/?action=view&current=Mybaby.flv

He sent this to me today. It's a 5 second clip but my goodness I was grinning from ear to ear for at least an hour. How is something so simple as watching his face light up give me strength to push through the shittiest of work days? I'm surprised about this all. I really shouldn't though..... We've always had a long distance thing going on- as friends i mean.

After i saw it the first time i giggled madly. Same for the second and third times. But for some reason while i was in the middle of giggling about how cute he was - i started to tell the screen 'you're so adorable i could just kiss you!' I stopped and realized he wasn't there and I wouldn't be seeing him for the longest of times. Then i cried a little and watched it two more times and felt at peace with the world at general. He brings out the very best in me I think. I know i'm great without him but he just brings something else out of me altogether. My better half that makes me the best I can be as well. *giggles* Well, I'm off to watch it a few more times before sleep steals me away from the waking world.

i just don't sleep anymore, eat anymore, care anymore.
i'm listless, frustrated. hungry but unwilling to feed myself.
angry at myself for being depressed, for making him worry, for being broke, for being lazy, for being a broken person.
i have the day off but working tonight

it's not that i do not feel love. it is not that he had to go. it's not that all of this is too "grown up" for me to handle. none of that is true. i'm fine.

but do you know what it's like to be so alone?
to live with thousands yet get nothing in the way of friends
to have no touch
no holding
no talking
no walks in the park
no small talk having coffee

living alone is fine. it's no one to talk to. nothing to look forward to at the end of day. albiet i chat with him and that satisfies me. i don't even want to be wreckless anymore. go out and have random fun. explore. meet people. i went out to a club and went home after a half hour. jus lay here and wait... that's all.

wait and sleep and work...
wait some more.
it's not even that i'm making him my only happiness.
i'm happy at times.
just not so often and not for too long.

"Dumb"

I’m not like them But I can pretend The sun is gone But I have a light The day is done But I’m having fun I think I’m dumb Or maybe just happy Think I’m just happy [repeat 3x] My heart is broke But I have some glue Help me inhale And mend it with you We’ll float around And hang out on clouds Then we’ll come down And I have a hangover Have a hangover [repeat 3x] Skin the sun Fall asleep Wish away The soul is cheap Lesson learned Wish me luck Soothe the burn Wake me up [repeat first verse and chorus] I think I’m dumb [repeat 12x]

"You know you're right"
I will never bother you I will never promise to I will never follow you I will never bother you Never speak a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put in to this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail Pain [3x] You Know your Right [3x] I'm so warm and calm inside I no longer have to hide Let’s talk about someone else Steaming soup against her mouth Nothing really bothers her She just wants to love herself I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew to come like this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to fail Pain [5x] You know Your Right [17x] Pain [1x]

"Heart Shaped box"
She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak I've been locked inside your Heart Shaped box for weeks I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice...your advice Meat-eating orchids forgive no one just yet Cut myself on Angel Hair and baby's breath Broken hymen of your highness I'm left back Throw down your umbilical noose so I can climb right back Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice...Your advice*solo* She eyes me like a pisces when I am weak I've been locked inside your Heart-Shaped box for weeks I've been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Hey! Wait! I've got a new complaint Forever in debt to your priceless advice Your advice Your advice Your advice

well whatever... nevermind

Can't get sleep these days....
Walk through life in a fuzzy daze
Holding my head just high enough
Shoving through it as if i were tough
Warming myself on thoughts of you
A tiny flame inside burning true
How empty this body is; too much space
Dreams of a kiss i can almost taste
Crash, crash, crashing down
Tumbling in a sea of relentless sound
Women here painted to look real
A frozen city - concrete and steel
Blank gapes, blank faces,
Blank familiar places
Hats worn low, gazes worn lower
Can almost see their human soul
But this 60hr work week took its toll
Feeling buzzed out, worn thin
Emotion at all seems a sin
If misery loves company then
Nearly everyone here is ken
Happy drones are all they need
Sad and frustrated? you're a bad seed
Fit into a box and be reusable
Easily underpaid and abuseable
Piling up bills to pay?
They'll either cut your hours or cut your pay
Can't see how much longer i'll last
Alone, feeling like i was aside, cast
Inspite of love, which i never doubt
Feeling swallowed whole, then sput out
And the artificial lamp can't burn away this sense that i'm sleepless

i wrote this a couple days ago on break.....

*snoopy dance* I put the money down and the apartment is ours. I'm feeling so grown up today. I put so much money out there. I'm scared about it. I know he has promised himself to me and i to him. But the best laid plans . . . . Stressed now because i need to tie up the loose ends here. Then there's getting the electric and water under my name..... or his. Not sure which at this moment. Probably mine. Mid May probably between the 13-16 I'll be moving into the apartment. my sole networth is sitting on my bedside table in a wad and i've never felt so worthless and poor in my life. I know that is a silly notion. But when this world is centered around how useful a drone you are then it gets hard to see people. You see faces but they mean nothing. money drives everything. it's evil. and i hate it. but i'm alright. i try to work hard. i try to love with my heart and go places that i was told i'd never reach. . . . i miss him and think about him every few moments. he's words, images of his face, texture of his skin, quality of his laughter. is always with me.....

ah yes...... shameless self indulgence- Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy i'm one year wiser, happy birthday to me!!!! sigh. i want nothing in this world more then him- my angel, my soul- by my side tonight.... to sleep in his arms if only for an hour. okay *tears up* i'm off to look at his photos and sigh. remembering him.

Burn - The Cure
Don’t look don’t look the shadows breathe
Whispering me away from you
Don’t wake at night to watch her sleep
You know that you will always lose
This trembling
Adored
Tousled bird mad girl...

But every night I burn
But every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again

Oh don’t talk of love the shadows purr
Murmuring me away from you
Don’t talk of worlds that never were
The end is all that’s ever true
There’s nothing you can ever say
Nothing you can ever do...

Still every night I burn
Every night I scream your name
Every night I burn
Every night the dream’s the same
Every night I burn

Waiting for my only friend
Every night I burn
Waiting for the world to end

Just paint your face the shadows smile
Slipping me away from you
Oh it doesn’t matter how you hide
Find you if we’re wanting
So slide back down and close your eyes
Sleep a while
You must be tired...

But every night I burn
Every night I call your name
Every night I burn
Every night I fall again
Every night I burn
Scream the animal scream
Every night I burn
Dream the crow black dream
Dream the crow black dream...

i flipped through my photos of him. of me. of us together. the beauty and peace. the love an adoration.

it was a simple human mistake. he was stressed. i was impatient. forgiven i was. and i will forgive myself for being human.

the photos dissolved the intense churning of wheels.
even just to see pictures of his face brings me joy.
a relief.
*dreamy sigh*
i shouldn't be so hard on myself....
that's okay. mon ange is so sweet and easy on me.
we je t'aime mon ange!
certainly. deeply. always.

i know lay down to dream of his warm arms wrapping me in protection. even from myself.

le plus doux des rêves mon ange.
je rêve chaque nuit que je suis dans des vos bras affectueux.
*un baiser tendre bonne nuit, mon ange*

There are a few things that deeply trouble me. right now i'm wide awake. i can't get sleep. i had one night of good sleep this week.

something about what he said.
maybe it was just the way he said it.

something snapped.

clicked.

i went pale as he said.
knew to the very marrow i fucked up.
put more stress on his shoulders.

i crunched on a delicate nerve.

i know it was small.
small things grow.
i must watch myself.
i cannot sleep tonight.

T_T

how does the vulnerability of a delicate man cause me to fall to my knees?
fall down and hoping that the murmering words of apology will undo the small tear.
would sew it shut.
shut away these sad thoughts of guilt and self-reproach.

i'm not emotionally stable due to my period.
but there are hormone imbalances and character flaws.
one can be adjusted the other cannot.
i'm spinning my wheels listening to Nirvana when i shouldn't.
The songs that encourage me to believe that i'm horrible and useless.
i don't listen to Nirvana after dark because it calls the shadows lurking in my mind forward to haunt me till morning.
it's unfair the stress that i cause him.
i'm feeling unworthy, it's a silly feeling. *sigh* :-i'll be okay. mostly this is just a stream of consciousness. thoughts drifting in and out of my sleepy mind.
i'm so stressed right now.
i've been forgiven but i worry. overly much. i have noticed i do that; i have thought it for a while prolly since i was 14 - i have a chemical imbalance which causes me to stress over silly things. i'm going to the doctor soon. i have other things wrong with me. maybe it's jus me. maybe my whole being is wrong. my adopted mom said i should be dead by all rights. i mean my birth dad beat, raped, stabbed me. my birth mother hit, ignored, yelled, starved me. i should have died under those conditions.
but.
i didn't and i know i'm stronger then that. sometimes i need to shove myself into doing something about believing i'm strong.

that's another thing i'm worried about me doing with David. there are times that i have shoved him to do stuff and afterwards i felt icky about shoving. like tonight. i shoved him about something and right after i shoved i was feeling sick to my stomach. i still feel very sick. i can't do anything about it now though. *sigh* T_T i'll get over myself. i'm going to learn from this little episode. i will. i'm not going to make myself feel sick and stressed about my bad behavior i have complete control over.

in all. i want to kick my own ass, i'm doing an alright job right now. but i still feel like i need to kick some more.

okay. exhaustion has set in finally. i've been ranting and raving for an hour. i leave you with highlighted lyrics. Mike Shinoda is really good hip hop rock rap artist.

yellow highlighted the lines i was truly feeling. the whole song was something that i was thinking. the sort of feeling that maybe i need to slip out the back. how foolish. and overwhelming i am.

Slip Out The Back - Fort Minor

You know me, i used to get caught up in everyday life
Tried to make it through my day so i could sleep at night
Tried to figure out my way through the maze
Of rights and wrongs, but like you used to say
Nothing feels like it's really worth it
Forget perfect, i'm trying not to be worthless
Since i last saw you i been lookin for a purpose
Well i met this kid who thought like i did
He had a weird way of lookin at it
This is what he said

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

I dont remember where i met him or remember his name
But he walked funny like he was too big for his frame
Just over five foot but he weighed a buck fifty
And what he said just seemed so right it stuck with me
Listen its like poker you can play your best
But you got to know when to fold your cards and take a rest
And know when to hold your cards and hold your breath
And hope that nobody else is stacking the deck because
i dont need to tell you that life isn't fair, it doesn't care
It arbitrarily cuts off your air, and like you i want someone to say its okay
But in the truest parts of our hearts everybody's afraid
But just underappreciated and overwhelmed
Fighting so hard to hide our fear that we're scaring ourselves
You understand when i'm saying that you always did
But it's different in the words of a cowardly kid

Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared
Slip out the back before they know you were there
And at the worst you'll see nobody cares
Cos you dont wana be around when it all goes down
Even heroes know when to be scared

i'm no hero, you remember how i was, you know
All i ever did was worry, feeling out of control
To the point where everything was going end over end
Im spinning around in circles again
This is where you come in
All of this to explain to you why
I had to separate myself away from yesterday's life
Please remember this isn't how i hoped it would be
But i had to protect you from me

Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
I know you felt unprepared
But every single time i was around i just bring you down
And i could tell that it was time to be scared
Thats why i slipped out the back before you knew i was there
And i know the way i left wasnt fair
I didnt want to be around just to bring you down
Im not a hero but dont think i didnt care

how have i become like others
snapped and then smothered
caught up in moments and pushed up against
worn things down in a sense
soft, grey sadness: your voice
making another selfless choice
the obliging way you forgive
realizing you're all for which i live;
when you admit to a pain i gave
inside distress on top of me caves
i, another careless child,
has ruined, caged something beautiful and wild
while you have forgiven mistakes
a little part is scared of the stakes
minutes wile away days
scared that you may not stay
not wanting to trap you inside
not wanting to let you drift away on a tide

alrighty. Tomorrow is the day i was born many years ago. hard to imagine that i've grown up so fast. or the fact that my room is still a wreck. it was clean for a week. so phhh and meh. i have too much shit. which is something i should be doing right now *groan*. i don't wanna. but i need to. i have a month and a half until i move into my new place. i must be using this time very very wisely but i'm getting lazy. i know myself well enough to know that if i'm given too much freetime that i waste it on stupid shit. like now. i should be being productive. but i'm not. grr. whatever. i'm getting out and getting supplies for the potluck tomorrow. make my cake and all that stuff.

It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

A tale of two sisters

at the end of the movie i thought- huh?! Wtf... I'm going to rewatch it. I'm prolly the slowest person on the planet... It was a great movie but i there is stuff missing that didn't connect. maybe i just didn't get it. that could be it. good movie. it just left me dazed....

anyway *sigh*

no money. no checks today. not until tomorrow. I'm missing my friends. They are either busy with housework, in a another country, weighed down with way to much school, or live too far away. i should be out being a productive little drone. i'm not though. which is supposedly very very bad. mmm. i'm going to start another painting. the one i am working one is impossible for me. i have no skills with acrylic paint. /_
oh well.....

in other news-i was censored. there's something i've always hated about people who censor artists..... so here. will be my pictures and words that other places object. It's tasteful art.
and now i'm going to excerise my rights to speak and post.....
it's not sex it's art so get over yourselves...


He took these pitures of me and did a beautiful job. They are slightly blurred but really good. yes i'm exposed but that is how i was before humans threw clothing on me. people who are scared of their bare skin has issues. I had really bad self images for very long time. But i think that i'm over it now. i have realized that there are too many freaks out there just wanting bodies and not the souls inside the body. That's okay though, as long as I know who I am. I know what I'm against even if I'm still unsure what I am for.





Blured clarity. The way the light is set in this picture makes it look heavenly

*sigh* It's 6am and I'm trying to sleep. Last day. Last few moments. The caresses are loving, the kisses tender, and the look on his face is so delicate. I'm trying hard not foil the last perfect seconds i have with him with these childish tears. But *tears fall* I can't help it. I will be going back to the grim, the steel, cold glares, long hours. Count myself luck to even know him, to have him here but of all of the wicked injustices.... Three long months. a 4th of a year. It's not the burning golden light that hovers above his skin it's the darkness that is speaking for me again. The lone night with the blinked out stars. We'll see one another sooner then I feel. I just get so, lonely. I suppose that's my problem not his. It'll be okay. I guess that I'm just getting edgy.

These months will be wearing.
i have many hours to be made up if i hope to cover next (may) rent. I know it was foolish to take so much time off work. i couldn't help myself though. the bills are making little piles on my kitchen counter and i want to close them up in a drawer and ignore them. everyone feels that way i guess. so in general i'm nothing new. nothing too sparkly. jus' a young struggling artist. the kind my folks sniffed at. warned me not to become. but i'm too driven to this. to paint. to create the world in my image. to creat nothing nothing too out of the way. but to try to carve my name in this small town.

which
brings me to a new topic.
cities.
how i love the closeness of my artist friends. but. all this slow death. the toxic things that are being pasively brought into my body.
yesterday i went to the science museum. there was a forest exhibit. it made me so homesick for the forest. real trees, the smells of leaves and wet earth, all the delicate bluebells in the spring, the little creek full of fish, the moss. i feel like a fairy torn from it's home. forced to deal with the decay of the world around me. how perfectly awful cities are. tiny trees scrawny and unhappy. i want to leave it all behind. i want to be responsible about it though. i want to pay my rent and take care of the loose ends. then. in june. leave here. maybe the stars in kansas would welcome me home. maybe he would welcome me into his arms. under a dew stained half lit moon and we'd live there for a bit...

maybe he'd let me come to him and i'd spend the summer instead with him....

i must go dry my eyes.
i must go behave civilized.
tidy stiff social ties
these convenient lies
"it's all alright"
they are all so uptight...