I am
A little bit of loneliness
A little bit of disregard
Handful of complaints
But I can't help the fact
That everyone can see these scars

I am
What I want you to want
What I want you to feel
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
To just believe this is real
So I
Let go watching you
Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause
You are all that I've got

I can't feel the way I did before
Don't turn your back on me I won't be ignored
Time won't takethis damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored

I am
A little bit insecure
A little unconfident
'Cause you don't understand
I do what I can
But sometimes I don't make sense
I am
What you never want to say
But I've never had a doubt
But it's like no matter what I do
I can't convince you
For once just to hear me out
So I
Let go
Watching you Turn your back like you always do
Face away and pretend that I'm not
But I'll be here cause you're all that I got(got)(got)(got)(got)(got)
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored
Time won't take this damage anymore
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored
Noooo! Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
Hear me out now
You're gonna listen to me
Like it or not
Right now
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on meI won't be ignored!
I can't feel
The way I did before
Don't turn your back on
won't be ignored
Time won't take
This damage anymore
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
I can't feel
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored
Time won't take
Don't turn your back on me
I won't be ignored..

I was cybering with a friend, I want to work things out with Scarlet but it's hard. I'm over it but not. gah. i'm not cheating, just exploring my options. It was amazing though. I'm not going to display the conversation. It was very long and took place over five hours. The sexual part took part in the last hour and a half. I'm not sure what I'm still doing in this relationship.

I'm hoping to get involved with her, it's awkward though. I don't even know her; I'm not her friend, we've never hung out. I can barely talk to her though. She's smooth, laid back, and carries herself with a grace. I don't know how much older she is but I know how young I am. I'm not even legal. (I don't understand why it's random when I'm attracted to females.) I want to know her, be there when she isn't on shift, go on long walks talking about nothing/everything, hang out at bars, go hiking, rock climbing, rafting, exploring, to watch games with her.

later

GAH! I made out with him. Things escatlated, I needed him to be there. I feel like and idiot. I'm alright I think. I'm a little rickety due to my female issues. But I think I'll cope.

And. With more sad news. She's straight. But that's good. I think it would not be something I should mess with- another sexually crashed interaction. Anyway. I'm going to post later.

namaste

Talks with the bf. sigh. i think i'm going to fix things up and see where things go. Who knows.

relationship-

1. a penile and clitoral ring on either end of a convenience chain.

2. an osmosis of bad moods.

3. what most rap artists claim in verse to avoid at all cost, yet can rarely afford to live without financially.

sex-
an act which one never has to admit to unless it’s caught on video tape, or on plus-sized blue rayon.

ex-boyfriend

1. a stalker; one who stalks.

2. a man incapable of telling small lies with a straight face.

3. a man who expects everything about his relationship to a woman will stay exactly the same following a sudden and inexplicable discontinuation of all sexual activity with her; a victim.

lie

1. to utter something untrue; as the Master teaches us, lies come in many levels: fib, white lie, lie, out and out lie, damn lie, goddamn lie, and statistics.

2. to speak about one’s career.

3. to speak to one’s lover.

love

descriptive n, a state of perpetual apology; enfeebled.

sane

1. recently fallen out of love.

2. characterized by the ability to foresee and understand cause and effect, like jumping off a building leading to death and denying the existence of God leading to happy and restful nights.

It's hard to think about how much I've altered our relationship. Why is it so hard to get along now. How can he get so full of himself. So scared of himself of how he interacts with that he blames his stress on ME. Pushing his fears on ME! Alright. I'm going to watch Ocean's Eleven and pig out on popcorn.

namaste

Paris.

That's all for now. One perfect word. One perfect city. I'm going in May. For two weeks. I may go there forever after this initial visit. USA is not where I want to be. There are job opportunities in Paris. But I must decide if that is where I want to be. Forever. Truly. I'm so excited I can't wait. May is too far away.

Today sucked but that was usual for work. My feet kill me. It's all a long fucking day. I just got called with a job opportunity. can't wait can't wait. Amante's. more later after the interview.