out with a whimper

why do you always have to be such a bitch all of the time


i don't know dave. i think it's because i'm terrorfied of you leaving so i'm edging you out of my life so i can just get to what i've been attempting to do since 13. maybe if i prove how horrible i am you won't love me anymore. because i need to be right about how horrible i am because i feel like i'm horrible all of the time. i never feel like i'm good enough. smart enough. slim enough. funny enough. maybe me trying to destroy the only thing i give a shit about in this life proves how much i don't deserve to be happy. it wasn't said loudly, it was said softly. you never talk to me anymore. why should you. i treat you like crap sometimes. okay alot. seriously just want to stab myself. seriously. why don't i just do it.

maybe in a couple years

i have called off my trip to NC. i can't afford to take the week off. everybody is either out of town or busy anyway it's not like they will notice i was even there. which is perfectly ok they have lives and i'm just a passerby not apart of their lives anymore. i just don't want to have to deal with a empty house. i'm getting up the cash to pay back my plane ticket my folks bought me. it's going to break my younger brothers heart but i just don't think i'll be able to go out there at this time. i'm just kinda tired and worn. the end of the year is always kind soul wearing and i always get sick around christmas (._.) bleh.
things are only getting better though. come the end of march i will be trucking and making better money then what i'm making now. i can't wait to look back in 5 years with a house built and money saved. i would be happy to know that i am in a better place moneywise as well as emotionally. i think by this time next year i will be able to break ties to my past. and to everything that ties me down. i think i'll just go further west or travel abroad maybe. i would love to move to scotland for a couple years and get dual citizenship eventually...


i hope everybody else has a good holiday season.

the holidays just remind me how i don't have a family or much in the way of a local support system. which is okay - i have lived through worse. i will be glad when i can let go of the things that hurt me emotionally and not cling to them. (-_-) well i'm off to rest. yet another disappointment. but that is life. a series of disappointments. just got to learn not to expect to much out of other people and not trust them and they won't let you down. because they won't be close enough to do you damage. it's lonlier but safer.