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mother's day

what can be said. i just don't feel like talking to her. i just can't tolerate her. and it's not as though she loves, likes, or cares about me. I sent her two cards one for her birthday and one for mother's day. i couldn't really say anything inside. i mean what am i suppose to say to her. anything i say is wrong. whatever i say isn't enough or right.

happy mothers day.

to a mom i never loved or particularly liked

to a mom who abandoned and beat me

to a mom who kept me fed for 8 months until i could get adopted like i was a stray kitten left on the side of the road in a box...

lost lost lost

i don't believe i have a place in life anymore. i just don't know what the hell i'm doing anymore... Work is slashing hours like friggin nuts. i don't know if i have the energy to get another job. There has been so much yet not much going on. I still live where I've been living for the last year. it has really been a friggin year... it's really unbelieveable. I don't know where to begin. I wish that I still practiced my guitar as I use to. I'm more and more isoleted from everything. Since I asked my parents for help and their scathing reply I haven't said more then a paragraph of words back and forth with them. I don't see a reason to bother anymore. They have to make up their fucking minds.... I have decided to make up mine. I won't be telling them I'm leaving for Kansas and I doubt that I'll be inviting them to the wedding. They have no fucking clue who I am and judge me on who I was at 14. I'm okay with that. Just as long as they know that I won't be including them with anything good that comes my way... They are supposedly helping my brother Travis out... Giving him the nice mustang, an apartment, a job, and generally helping him out... I am glad that he is going to be taken care of. I just don't trust that they'll actually follow through and help him out.
As far as friends go, i just have maus left. I don't know what to do. I want to be there for her and be by her side. I wish I was considered a friend... I don't mind being little sister; but I feel that I fail her. I don't think I'm good enough. I just don't think I'm worth her time. It's been hard since her break up.I want to make it better or something... I just feel like a hopeless mess. I don't think I deserve her kindness. I want to be here but Puck is wanting to go home. I feel torn apart. If I move I'm afraid I'll leave her and my brother lonely. But if I stay here I lose Puck. So I guess I have decide who I want to lose... Because, I wish that I could say that everyone involved would actually keep up with each other... But would it happen?
Puck. What is there to say? He's a catch... But is he catching me or am I catching him. I feel like a burden to him. I can't help being stupid and emotionally crippled sometimes. Again, I feel that I am not that great of a friend or girlfriend. I am crazy about him but I just don't feel that I deserve him. He works hard all the time, I feel so lazy and uninteresting. His family and friends miss and love him. He's a good friend, brother, husband, son, and future father. I just can't see me being a good match for him. I feel I just drag my friends down. That they'd be better off without me around making things harder.
I have considered getting a gun or finding a gun at a friends house and just ending it. I just can't see myself being a worthwhile person. I just don't understand why my friend and my boyfriend haven't left me alone. Is it just because I'm just a familiar face and tolerable? I don't know. I just don't know how much better off my friend and my boyfriend would be if I never came into their lives. Puck says I make him happy and that he doesn't care about my issues. But, I'm not good enough. I just can't be good enough. And my friend would be better off without me around any more. I tried choking myself several times this last week. I think maybe it'd be better this way... I think I should just jump off a bridge tonight. I just think I should. I think I might. I think I might.