out with a whimper

why do you always have to be such a bitch all of the time


i don't know dave. i think it's because i'm terrorfied of you leaving so i'm edging you out of my life so i can just get to what i've been attempting to do since 13. maybe if i prove how horrible i am you won't love me anymore. because i need to be right about how horrible i am because i feel like i'm horrible all of the time. i never feel like i'm good enough. smart enough. slim enough. funny enough. maybe me trying to destroy the only thing i give a shit about in this life proves how much i don't deserve to be happy. it wasn't said loudly, it was said softly. you never talk to me anymore. why should you. i treat you like crap sometimes. okay alot. seriously just want to stab myself. seriously. why don't i just do it.

maybe in a couple years

i have called off my trip to NC. i can't afford to take the week off. everybody is either out of town or busy anyway it's not like they will notice i was even there. which is perfectly ok they have lives and i'm just a passerby not apart of their lives anymore. i just don't want to have to deal with a empty house. i'm getting up the cash to pay back my plane ticket my folks bought me. it's going to break my younger brothers heart but i just don't think i'll be able to go out there at this time. i'm just kinda tired and worn. the end of the year is always kind soul wearing and i always get sick around christmas (._.) bleh.
things are only getting better though. come the end of march i will be trucking and making better money then what i'm making now. i can't wait to look back in 5 years with a house built and money saved. i would be happy to know that i am in a better place moneywise as well as emotionally. i think by this time next year i will be able to break ties to my past. and to everything that ties me down. i think i'll just go further west or travel abroad maybe. i would love to move to scotland for a couple years and get dual citizenship eventually...


i hope everybody else has a good holiday season.

the holidays just remind me how i don't have a family or much in the way of a local support system. which is okay - i have lived through worse. i will be glad when i can let go of the things that hurt me emotionally and not cling to them. (-_-) well i'm off to rest. yet another disappointment. but that is life. a series of disappointments. just got to learn not to expect to much out of other people and not trust them and they won't let you down. because they won't be close enough to do you damage. it's lonlier but safer.

many different things on my mind

here is just abunch of things i wrote down on scraps of paper while gaurding the phones at work. They are from different days and it kinda shows how badly my emotions go all over the place. I just don't want to lose these entries. I have just recently decided to start journal writing again.


October 2, 2008
-sigh- Walmart the american peoples last place for a job. The old, crippled, unintelligent, goalless, lifeless, lazy people go for a job. I've refused to work here for 4 years and now I'm employed by them; I know why I and so many others object to this place. Managers here are in denial - they have to be. The people that slack and are hateful get passed over. People like myself (who four months ago) were trying to get things looking and being decent. They are used like pack horses to drag things along. UGH! I've just got to hold on until March. I have this rather large er bill from Aug 1st. I just was informed of its existance two days ago. $1,993 for me to wait in a freezing empty er waiting room for 6 hours. I just don't know how I'll manage to pay it. I feel it's my fault all this mess. If it hadn't have been for me being sick. We wouldn't be in so much debt. Dave don't seem to mind though. He said as long as I was happy and healthy he didn't care about the cost. I don't feel I deserve him sometimes. I wonder how sunday will go. I really love celebrating his birthday. 21 sunday. I'll be 21 6 months from saturday. I'm completely depressed. I haven't achieved anything I've wanted to. I was hoping to be most of the way though college. A degree in hand by 22. I feel like the biggest waste of space. I think I'm finally ready. Finally to the point. I made plans before and never followed through. I'm ready completely ready. Once I take a knife to this connection it can never. ever. Be reconnected. This is it. I'm done. My past has haunted me too much. I'm cutting the ties. soon. tired of being hurt and ignored.

October ? (perhaps 4), 2008
I just realized why tv shows keep their characters miserable and lonely. Happy and secure people are fucking boring and making for some really stale viewing. And if you are miserable, confused, lost or just incapable of making good connections with people. Quirks little things that make a person bearable and different. It seems alot of people are out to erase any trace of individuality. People who are sheep-like feeling the sacrifice of self is better then being alone. And in some ways I agree. I'm a very lonely person and at times feel sacrificing who I am and what I stand for is worth never being alone. But then there is all of the time and money that goes into conforming. And I find in the long run it's just not worth it all. yeah totally not worth it. There are TONS of douchebag men that are on the preppy/in groups and I'm NOT about to have to put up with that shit. >_< -sigh- I'll be fine. I'll just have to get use to the idea of being on the fringe. Which I suppose will be fine.

October 9
Today for whatever reason I woke up feeling good and full of life. I washed the dishes, cleaned panda's cage and let him out to play for 35 minutes - all that i could spare. I let him out to roam around as I did the dishes and took care of tidying up the apartment. I dropped off the movies we rented. I've been feeling more at ease after I deleted my contacts.


October 11, 2008
I feel better escaping in books and movies then trying to repair my friend and relationships. I would rather see the 10th incarnation of doctor who finally emotionally reach out to Martha Jones. Than have to communicate with Puck. I would rather see Conner and Abby finally get together and have a decent relationship then try and work things out with my parents. I find comfort in hiding in other peoples lives. I know how to fix theirs and I'm clueless what to do with mine. I know it's a waste of time and energy to have more care and attention to people who don't exist. I just feel better around them then with real people. I am going to get going. I have to figure out what to do for my meal before work. I am halfway through season 3 of Doctor Who. Donna is really the best companion as of yet. I like that she takes care of him and is not interested in him sexually in any way. He needs that. He really does. He just can't seem to connect with anybody emotionally. I guess I feel like that. Where he is emotionally absent I'm overally emotional - however I just don't feel I can connect. I think if I live 903 years I'd probably stop trying to feel most of the time. The 9th and 10th incarnation really are my favorites. I am really sadden that Chris (9th) couldn't stick around more then a season. :( Alright. I'll be late if i keep going on and on like this.

yaoi is destroying my brain

dear god i am obessed with yaoi. and in such a way that it's odd to describe. sure there is the *squee* two very hot men fucking :D ^_^ but then there is the i would like to be one of those hot men fucking either of the hot men in question. Let's see if i can list all of my current yaoi pairing obessions: Batman (bale) x Joker (ledger), 2D x Murdoc, Connor x Stephen (Primeval), Vin Disel x bale, ledger, or connor, um trying to remember others. but can't at the moment. i just know that i seriously want to watch these men fuck and then be a man and fuck them. my brain is like rotten i think. i just can't help it right now... i guess. mmm tasty man sex... sweet jesus *grabs cleaning supplies and attempts to cleanse my brain* damn it not working :( oh well just more yaoi for me. that is another thing i am a yaoi picture collector... i don't like to admit it but i love collecting really nicely or just decently drawn yaoi. i also love drawing yaoi as well :D gah... it's raining (gay) men... hell to the yeah ^_^

college or relationship

please don't tell me that i have to choose. my mom told me yesterday that she would help pay for college if i wanted to go. so now i am planning to go next spring. puck doesn't want to stay in kc he wants to go and do truck driving like we had planned. he told me that he doesn't want to wait around here another 4 years. fuck. fuck. fuck. what do i fucking do. what do i do. get educated or stay with a boy. boyfriends come and go and i don't want men holding me back from my dreams. and he doesn't want to break up with me.. what the fuck am i doing..

damn it damn it

fuck...
i know have a batman (bale) and joker (ledger) fetish fuuuuckk... first the obsession with 2D and Mudsy and now this.. This is just plain silly !

jobless

One week jobless from Whole Foods and I'm really not sure what I'll be doing. There is this local farm that is part of a volunteer program - food and shelter in exchange for work. It's a not paying but it'll give me a needed break from the wear and tear of city life. I miss the sun on my back and dirt in my toes and fingers. I miss the feeling of accomplishment after a long day of working outside. The green smells of veggies growing and ripening. It's just not the time right now. Rent and bills. I just got a cell and inter net so that is another $90 a month to our bills. which isn't really that bad. It just means I'll have to delay going out to farm another year or two (ick). Not really something I like... I wonder how many more people in this city are in this position and of those people only a few will get nicer jobs - being able to work inside for 8+ an hour.

sq 1

it all starts here. there isn't much left of who i was anymore. i would like to think i had moved for good reasons. i would like to think of myself and my friends as family. but facing facts which there are a few is important.
1. I have three friends.
2. I do not have a family. Just a group of people that lived with when I was younger.
3. I have a good job. Terrified that things won't work out for one reason or another.
4. I am doing alright. I have extra money and bills are paid.


outside of those facts. i am scared and tired. it seems that when things are going alright i feel like i'm at the best place to be fucked over. so even when things are alright i can't enjoy it. i should seriously consider talking to a doctor about things. i feel a little unraveled. I think moving does that.

It's weird because I am homesick. Dave asks me "What are you missing?"... I can only name places, seasons of that place. I don't need the crappy jobs that I was at. I keep getting crap from various people about the fact I could have found a better job in NC. I was miserable there. I need someplace new. I wish I could just start truck driving now. I want to - just not there yet. I have to take C.D.L. training first... I want to shake myself out of it... I just feel so apathetic to other peoples issues. i don't want to care anymore... maybe it will stop the hurt... but i can't not care... it sucks....

i hate it when i'm right

i knew that it was going to happen. i just blinked out of existence to people. it really hurts. i don't want to admit it. i really want to pretend the only friend i had left would still be my friend. i apologized. how the fuck can i BE FUCKING LUMPED WITH THAT PEDOPHILE AND THAT CUNT. A SINK OF FUCKING DISHES A FUCKING SINK. I TOOK CARE OF HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK. TOOK CARE OF HER ANIMALS TOOK CARE OF THE COOKING DID MOST OF THE GROCERY SHOPPING. THE DISHES WERE ALWAYS DONE BY US!!! WE STOLE NOTHING!

i hate this
i hate myself
i hate my friends
i hate myself for picking them
i hate forseeing my depression coming miles away
i hate this

i want a fucking gun