all tied up on the inside

got a promotion all 20 cents of it.. woooow i am rolling with the big boys now. why doesn't somebody just shoot me? it seems like there is alot of senseless shootings these days. so why not me. i work at a walmart and at night. couldn't somebody have the decency to shoot me on my way to my car one night. steal my car and leave me for dead. at least david wouldn't hate me if i died that way...

Crossroads

I've got nothing on my mind:
nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
and I've got nothing to regret,

But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was?
Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain?
Can you heal it?

Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.


I want this song playing at my funeral. Don just seemed to know how to say what i needed to but could never find the words to.

if you read this you know who you are. i am so close to just throw myself away. please save what's left of me before i throw it all away.

strangers i knew and loved

being away from everything i knew for a year and a month has changed me. i hate to sound lame. but i just don't care anymore. i've let myself go. i gained 20 pounds and let my hair grow out. i don't call anybody. don't email or really even i.m. i used to use up more then my 300 mins. a month phone plan. i just read a post on a friends blog about being alienated, hated, and rejected by her workplace. :( while one part of my heart reaches out to want to console. the other part wants to shout see see this is how i feel. all. the. time!!!! especially since moving out first from my folks house and then out here. maybe it's a good thing that i'm just dwindling into a thought in the back of some of my friends head. i've thought just not going home ever again. i know things are hard for everyone everywhere.

while people everywhere are losing their jobs and houses i'm losing my mind and way. i've been putting on the ok mask for the last week but i just want to go pavement swimming..

everytime i fail at something i keep hearing what my mom told me so many years ago.
"i'm not supposed to be alive, i'm not supposed to have lived through it all."
i've been feeling like i've lived on time that should have been for somebody else for a long time. ever since she said that. i know where she was coming from being a shrink and all. but i just can't but feel that i just shouldn't have been born. i'm just a waste. who am i kidding. i should have just killed myself years ago. i'm just a waste of money. and space. and time.

dave makes fun of me when i suggest i should try and get medicated for depression. maybe he won't fucking make fun of me when he has to identify my remains when finally jump.

it doesn't matter anyway because everyone is just going to leave me anyways. so who cares. they all think i'm really weird so what does it matter if i just kill myself. i mean people make such a big deal about it. but really what are you going to miss about me really. come the fuck on. dave will move on to another gf. and my friends will just remember me sometimes. just like fucking now. i mean who cares. boo hoo fuck them. if they fucking CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL they would call or send a card or fucking worry about me. or something. christ. i am so fucking lonely out here. i want to cut so badly. things would be easier if i could just cut. i can't because i promised dave i wouldn't. whatever. nobody is going to read this. i'm just going to get made fun of and belittled anyways. who fucking cares any fucking more.

we live in a time where we WATCH somebody KILLING THEMSELVES online LIVE and DON'T fucking DO anything. we don't care. we don't. we just want to make fun of the emos and the hurt people and blame the victim. lets all blame the victim because that will help them see how insignificat their abuse and ptsd is. yeah.

it was 10 years ago but i can't even watch a man roughhouse with his son without remembering watching my dad RAPE my brother as a kid. i just wanted to scream and throw up and pass out. instead i had to stand there at work and pretend that i wasn't really remembering my brother being raped and watching him struggle and scream and cry and plead and getting beaten and raped. no i will just stand here and fold clothes and make small talk with the mom and pretend that my childhood doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the fucking face.

god i fucking hate people sometimes. i just wish i could get through sex fucking ONCE with my fiance without feeling semi sick and forcing horrible memories of being gangraped back down into the darkness of my mind.

i need some fucking sleep.

i'm tired and so fucking depressed. i just want things to stop. i want to be the boring person that everyone else seems to be. overtanned overplucked overexposed to media and underread. maybe if i was a boring sheep like the rest of the population my life would be awesome.

(-, __ -,)

i'm out for now.

have a good night...
somebody out there...