here is just abunch of things i wrote down on scraps of paper while gaurding the phones at work. They are from different days and it kinda shows how badly my emotions go all over the place. I just don't want to lose these entries. I have just recently decided to start journal writing again.
October 2, 2008
-sigh- Walmart the american peoples last place for a job. The old, crippled, unintelligent, goalless, lifeless, lazy people go for a job. I've refused to work here for 4 years and now I'm employed by them; I know why I and so many others object to this place. Managers here are in denial - they have to be. The people that slack and are hateful get passed over. People like myself (who four months ago) were trying to get things looking and being decent. They are used like pack horses to drag things along. UGH! I've just got to hold on until March. I have this rather large er bill from Aug 1st. I just was informed of its existance two days ago. $1,993 for me to wait in a freezing empty er waiting room for 6 hours. I just don't know how I'll manage to pay it. I feel it's my fault all this mess. If it hadn't have been for me being sick. We wouldn't be in so much debt. Dave don't seem to mind though. He said as long as I was happy and healthy he didn't care about the cost. I don't feel I deserve him sometimes. I wonder how sunday will go. I really love celebrating his birthday. 21 sunday. I'll be 21 6 months from saturday. I'm completely depressed. I haven't achieved anything I've wanted to. I was hoping to be most of the way though college. A degree in hand by 22. I feel like the biggest waste of space. I think I'm finally ready. Finally to the point. I made plans before and never followed through. I'm ready completely ready. Once I take a knife to this connection it can never. ever. Be reconnected. This is it. I'm done. My past has haunted me too much. I'm cutting the ties. soon. tired of being hurt and ignored.
October ? (perhaps 4), 2008
I just realized why tv shows keep their characters miserable and lonely. Happy and secure people are fucking boring and making for some really stale viewing. And if you are miserable, confused, lost or just incapable of making good connections with people. Quirks little things that make a person bearable and different. It seems alot of people are out to erase any trace of individuality. People who are sheep-like feeling the sacrifice of self is better then being alone. And in some ways I agree. I'm a very lonely person and at times feel sacrificing who I am and what I stand for is worth never being alone. But then there is all of the time and money that goes into conforming. And I find in the long run it's just not worth it all. yeah totally not worth it. There are TONS of douchebag men that are on the preppy/in groups and I'm NOT about to have to put up with that shit. >_< -sigh- I'll be fine. I'll just have to get use to the idea of being on the fringe. Which I suppose will be fine.
October 9
Today for whatever reason I woke up feeling good and full of life. I washed the dishes, cleaned panda's cage and let him out to play for 35 minutes - all that i could spare. I let him out to roam around as I did the dishes and took care of tidying up the apartment. I dropped off the movies we rented. I've been feeling more at ease after I deleted my contacts.
October 11, 2008
I feel better escaping in books and movies then trying to repair my friend and relationships. I would rather see the 10th incarnation of doctor who finally emotionally reach out to Martha Jones. Than have to communicate with Puck. I would rather see Conner and Abby finally get together and have a decent relationship then try and work things out with my parents. I find comfort in hiding in other peoples lives. I know how to fix theirs and I'm clueless what to do with mine. I know it's a waste of time and energy to have more care and attention to people who don't exist. I just feel better around them then with real people. I am going to get going. I have to figure out what to do for my meal before work. I am halfway through season 3 of Doctor Who. Donna is really the best companion as of yet. I like that she takes care of him and is not interested in him sexually in any way. He needs that. He really does. He just can't seem to connect with anybody emotionally. I guess I feel like that. Where he is emotionally absent I'm overally emotional - however I just don't feel I can connect. I think if I live 903 years I'd probably stop trying to feel most of the time. The 9th and 10th incarnation really are my favorites. I am really sadden that Chris (9th) couldn't stick around more then a season. :( Alright. I'll be late if i keep going on and on like this.
