i am the cancer that should be cut out

so i had this tiny little crush on a guy from work who is married to a chick who also worked there. and now months later it is apparantly a mutual crush. and the crush is now giant. i am still with my significant other so this isn't going to work. dave knows about the situation and knows i'll be good and try and handle things properly. but i want the both of them. i wish i was in a poly relationship still. life was easier. i was able to go out and date and flirt with people and come home to main person i was with. of course that i wouldn't go further then kissing other people. but it's not how shit works in this long term relationship. i feel shitty like i lead him on which i know doesn't fucking make sense because i thought being 10 years old then me he would just see me as a kid and go on. he told me tonight when we were chatting that he really fell for me. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. the wife thinks this is onesided(me liking him). and i know at like doctor who and rose being seperated by different dimensions me and him must remain that far apart yet that close. i want him with every fiber of myself being i want him but i can't have him. i can't i would emotionally kill myself for it. i can't walk all over the trust that dave has given me. i just can't. but i want to. but i need to be strong against this. i want to ask them both if i could go with both of them but i just can't see that dave would be happy about it. i never thought this situation would come up in a zillion years. i feel like i fucked up his dreams and hopes.

yup

codes have been something i've used as a shield for years. something to cover up what i really want to say. my mom being the child psychologist that she is loved to pull and pick apart my diaries. and me knowing this would invent codes take a good solid three days to work out the kinks and memorize it and then burn the codex to it. the more random the code the better. but this is something that will probably be cracked fairly easy. anyways. just an announcement for those who follow and start to scratch their heads at coded entries. if anybody wants to try and break it send me a message and let me know. it'd be nice to converse in codes. i haven't found anybody to converse in codes. i prefer it if i use this number code i recently invented because i frankly am very rusty at the whole code cracking stuff...

anyways.

coward

though he is probably in his very last three months tops i just can't bring myself to go and see him. i'm such a selfish coward. everybody else went to go see him and the rest of the family has gone to see him. i just don't know why i can't bring myself to it.

leukemia pt 2

so aparantly grandpa's liver is failing and he can't have any chemo

no chemo
no stem cells
no bone marrow

just pain meds and some other meds to keep things at bay but they gave him 6 months to live.
and even though we didn't get to see tons of each other. it still rips me open. i don't want some
fucking christian cow telling me how god is calling him home to heaven. if i have to deal with one
more fucking christian telling me to pray.

fuck mindless prayer
fuck your invisible friend who lets HORRIBLE shit happen
fuck god

fuck T_T i'm going to bed....

We are alone here together

And in my mind we are screaming and fighting
I tell you things that I never would say
and if you don’t love me why can’t you just hate me?
as long as you feel something
we’ll find a way

Somehow you just don’t get it
as you turn and walk away

turn and walk away - The Wallstones (swedish band)


i just want him to stop being so apathetic sometimes.
it drives me to worse feelings numbness and wanting to just disappear.
he is freaking out big time because he finally got the confession out of me he wanted.
i told him that i've been on the cusp of anorexia for years now
and i'm starting to fall into it big time.
i confessed to it all. the starving, the secret selfharming, the will, the pills.
he doesn't know about the times where i was talked down from bridges
and he doesn't know about the suicide hotline and how that is where all of my cell
phone minutes are going.

i hate shrinks but like the poor volunteers at the hotline. maybe i feel they can't
pick me apart. maybe i just like knowing i could call them seriously 24 hrs
and somebody will be there and not care that it's 4am or that they are tired.

i am also grateful to my friend Locust who has talked me down many times without ever
even knowing it.

i just don't know if i will make it all the way through life.
i just don't know people.
i just don't.