i downed six sleeping pills and slept 15 hours. i wonder if i just finished the package off how long i'd sleep. i'm planning on buying a couple packages of sleeping pills for the vacation. So I don't have to interact with anyone. sleep the time away. it's the only idea i have of being alone and fulfilling my obligation of going on this fucking thing. i don't want to go. i know that this is just a chance for her and her boyfriend to see each other. i know i will not exist on this vacation. i know there is no reason to hope that i will exist after this vacation. i don't give a fuck if i'm annoying her right now. she abandons her friends and her animals. i have not decided what to do. but it's to the point where i just want to down a package of sleeping pills and a cup of vodka. i don't care anymore about keeping up appearances. i don't care if i'm being annoying. i don't care about taking care of someone elses pets and food. she can go with who she wants. but she doesn't that if she doesn't show for a simple birthday that she will be cut out of two peoples lives. what she doesn't know will hurt her.
i'm sick and tired of living.
i'm sick and tired of being ignored by everybody
i'm just sick
and tired
all the time
who cares
who cares
i don't
not anymore
not anymore
i have two people to live for. and even then i do not know if i can live for them.
travis and david
travis-
i feel like such a lousy sister. like i should be giving/doing more. i don't know what i should be doing. but i feel like no matter what i do from here on out that i will never be a good enough sister to you. it's like i'm trying to run a million miles and you are always a million and one miles away.
david-
you know i love you. you know i don't/can't love anyone else besides you. you opened me up. made me feel. why am i so numb right now? you make me feel warm and open and vulnerable and it terrifies the shit out of me. but something comples me to stay with it. even when i'm scared the most. i don't want to leave you all alone.
i love the both of you guys. i always will. regardless of any stupid actions i take against myself.
and i love you poppa.
i think i was the only girl in your life that got your humor. got you. and i love you for everything you are to me. thank you for being you.
i love you.
i'm going to go now. i feel too sleepy to stay awake.
night
