i'm so done

and he doesn't know it yet. i'm getting through my classes and leaving him. He thinks I'm looking for apartments for students. basically nicer dorm apartments. but he isn't coming with. i think this is the time to grow a spine and work on school. time for me and not worry about being lonely since i'll always be lonely. school should be my focus. time to go study. later.

i can't sleep

my intestines - not my stomach - is twisted into knots and i can't get myself to eat. i had some pizza earlier and i seriously want to throw it right back up. it's not something i want to think about. i already have enough trouble forcing myself to eat with this dumb ass thought that if i just eat 300-500 calories then i'll be 115 by christmas. it's partially because i'm sick of being fat and i'm sick of being called fat by my mom. i just want to get so skinny that she'll fucking pay attention to me. she never cares unless i'm in trouble or i'm being bizarrely perfect. i'm sure my body wants to fucking stab me for being so dumb and careless but i'm done hearing it from her. i'd rather be a twig and have her bitch about me needing to eat then have to deal with the fat jokes. If i knew that throwing up would take away the calories and the disgusting gut and not hurt my throat i'd do it.

what's the purpose anymore? get some fucking degree to impress some asshole so i can pay for cable and a decent car? so that i can pretend that i'm happy because i've got plaques and pieces of paper??

suicide attempt #15

Today I was talked off the highway overpass by my house by Leslie my therapist. I was so close to being hospitalized today that it's not even funny. The only reason I was allowed my freedom was because I promised her to do these sheets everyday. She wants me calling everyday. I don't want to call her or talk to her. I don't want to do the stupid sheets. In some ways I wish I could be hospitalized because it'd give me two weeks away from everything. It's expensive though. I can't just go for free. It's not a summer camp. I hate this shit. I hate feeling trapt with him. I hate being poor. I hate my family. I hate myself. I hate my body. I need to go get that cheating lying sack of shit from work. I'll be back later.

You are my sweetest downfall

My therapist states that there isn't much that she can do that she isn't already doing. Which in some ways makes me think what's the point?

out of control

I'm wondering if I'll ever be okay. I'm letting go of my family, friends, and I'm remaking my personality. I don't know if any amount or combination of meds would help me.
With the help of my ritalin I went from a size 18 to 12 and I'm no happier. I wonder if I get on meds for my bi polar if i'll gain weight. Leslie wants me to try to talk to Dr. Martin about getting meds for it. I personally think that maybe I should just kill myself.