sq 1

it all starts here. there isn't much left of who i was anymore. i would like to think i had moved for good reasons. i would like to think of myself and my friends as family. but facing facts which there are a few is important.
1. I have three friends.
2. I do not have a family. Just a group of people that lived with when I was younger.
3. I have a good job. Terrified that things won't work out for one reason or another.
4. I am doing alright. I have extra money and bills are paid.


outside of those facts. i am scared and tired. it seems that when things are going alright i feel like i'm at the best place to be fucked over. so even when things are alright i can't enjoy it. i should seriously consider talking to a doctor about things. i feel a little unraveled. I think moving does that.

It's weird because I am homesick. Dave asks me "What are you missing?"... I can only name places, seasons of that place. I don't need the crappy jobs that I was at. I keep getting crap from various people about the fact I could have found a better job in NC. I was miserable there. I need someplace new. I wish I could just start truck driving now. I want to - just not there yet. I have to take C.D.L. training first... I want to shake myself out of it... I just feel so apathetic to other peoples issues. i don't want to care anymore... maybe it will stop the hurt... but i can't not care... it sucks....

i hate it when i'm right

i knew that it was going to happen. i just blinked out of existence to people. it really hurts. i don't want to admit it. i really want to pretend the only friend i had left would still be my friend. i apologized. how the fuck can i BE FUCKING LUMPED WITH THAT PEDOPHILE AND THAT CUNT. A SINK OF FUCKING DISHES A FUCKING SINK. I TOOK CARE OF HER WHEN SHE WAS SICK. TOOK CARE OF HER ANIMALS TOOK CARE OF THE COOKING DID MOST OF THE GROCERY SHOPPING. THE DISHES WERE ALWAYS DONE BY US!!! WE STOLE NOTHING!

i hate this
i hate myself
i hate my friends
i hate myself for picking them
i hate forseeing my depression coming miles away
i hate this

i want a fucking gun