2 hours everynight. I'm wondering honestly if I'll be able to be patient. I know he is busy with stuff. And i know that he misses her and still loves her. It's been so wearing to have him on the phone like that.

We had our first bug fight last night. It was after he took an hour to say goodnight to his ex. he was on the phone fore 2 hours before that. and i just boiled over.

How can I think this way.
i'm so disgusted and disappointed in myself. I'm thinking about working in a strip club. i'm so angry at myself and at him. how can he not care. shouldn't he care. shouldn't he want to stop me. to insist against it. i guess not.

shouldn't i insist that it's not something i should do??

i give up. i'm tired of this stress. if stripping gets the bills paid then here i go.
i have nothing to say to him right now. i have no more words left. there's nothing left. i'm going to need to give myself some time to get use to this degrading life.

i don't even want to go home anymore.
i could hitch a ride out of state.

but i know that's just being purely immature.
it's just the stress from everything. i needed time alone.
this is it. the time to group my thoughts together.
i'm ready to go home i think.

"You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in... isn't really your home anymore. All of a sudden, even though you have some place where you put your shit... that idea of home is gone. I still feel at home in my house. You'll see one day when you move out.Just sorta happens one day, and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for... For your kids.For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I missthe idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place." - Andrew Largeman.

I've been feeling that lately. like there isn't much to remember about home. it felt so strange at first. but it's been so long - at least it feels like it - it's been really hard these last few days to really organize thoughts and motives right now... right at the moment. how am i to explain all the chains i've bind myself to. i gather sadness like the city gathers gloom when the day is done. I don't know why i'm feeling so out of it this morning. it's like i'm sad about nothing.

I think I'm homesick for a place that no longer knows my name.

I visited them at home once. and it's been a month since i talked to them and i miss them more then i ever thought i would. I want my dad to give me a hug to say, "that you are trying and that it's okay to fall down." i want my old bed and my old room. i want nothing more to care about them. to really love them. but i want my own space, my freedom. i'm conflicted. i think i want things my way and not to really be responsible for either. Dad warned me that I would regret my pull away and demanding freedom. and that my sort of freedom has a cost.


"In the light of the sun, is there anyone? Oh it has begun...Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,This world you must've crossed... you said...You don't know me, you don't even care, She said You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..." - "Boston" Augustana

I'm happy that David's home. But we've not really done job hunting and it's starting to worry me a little bit too much. I'm starting to feel a little tense about it all. He's run down to a couple dollars. And I've no money to my own name. but things will work out. though i'm glad that he is here to stay there's a fragment that regrets this more then anything. I'm seeing that he is still a child in some ways. The terror, hunger, loneliness, depression, despair, worry, etc hasn't been experianced by him. but that isn't a fault, he'll live and break in new experiances. I miss the floating around on my own. i miss the loneliness. the empty house. the razor blade... i'm wanting to be by myself. and i want to cut. i've thought about it alot lately. this time. i want it to control the fear, the overwhelming feelings i have.
it's such a clean way to stop the pain and the feelings and thoughts i don't want to deal with.


light candles, put on Golden Age of Grotesque turning it to 11 in my headphones, put the lights down low, strip my shirt off sitting in my tank top, slowly glide the sharpest razor across my shoulder, little slivers of red hot numbness, letting the tiny drops of blood drip down to my elbow.

i'm done.... i think writing about it as satisfied the urge. it's a dark sick little urge but i've promised and stuff...
so i'm not going to do it anymore. not as long as he is in my life.

i wanted to flip over a staircase banister at the duke chapel the other night. the trio (mouse, puck, me) went and snuck around to see what was going on. we went up this several story high metal fire escape staircase. i wanted to so bad to just snap it to a close. but who knows. god or something has a purpose for me.

hmm i'm tired and should spend a day alone tomorrow. i'm thinking i'll just lock myself in the office after i get out and about. i have a long dear friend to visit. and i have a job interview. then i'll just go in the office and be there as long as i need. or i'll just go to the library or i'll go out walking. or take a bus. or maybe i'll go hangout with people. yeah. i'm really tired of being home. i'm lazy but meh this is way too much. i want silence. and of course marilyn blasting in my ears so loud so i can't hear myself thinking. well.

i'm off to finish the dishes and to clean up my art stuff.
more later.