cutting again

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee oh yes and this is just the beginning of it just the start. i'm going to try and find something that goes deeper easier.

cheating, lies, and my desire to fly to freedom

Apparantly Dave has decided that his ex gf is a much better person to be with. secret meetings cute little love letters, mixed listing cds, books back and forth. his latest secret meetup was the last friday. he lies to me and states he is with his dad and goes to be with her... he was gone from 4pm-10:30pm fuck him. seriously. fuck him. what a goddamn coward.



this is just one of his many little piece of shit convos with her. i'm cutting out boring txt that is not related to anything



ex gf: borrowing a book would mean sending it back and that would be tricky wouldn't it? of course, i could refrain from putting my name above the return address.

dave: or you could opt for requiring my signature and so i'd have to pick it up from the post office. you could just send it to my mom's house. there would still be suspicion in (fae) checking the mail and finding a book that i own from an unknown sender.

ex gf: if she opens mail addressed to you, it's a federal offense.

dave: lol i'll be like "oh, you're mad that i loaned her my book? well maybe you'll get over it while you are in the slammer!!" lol!

ex gf: lmao!

oh yes this is indeed cerebal lulzy! i mean it's HILARIOUS that he sends her books and other lovey dovey things to her the crusher of his heart so many years ago. and to have to come up with a birthday or christmas present is like under taking a gauntlet. fuck him.... moving on...

and after i had a mini tiny very little confrontation that was more about me seeing if he'd say anything about it and just saying i saw a little single txt that upset me.

he whines to her
Dave: it's been a really tough day but i'm getting though it okay

*sniff* oh dave it's SO hard getting caught fucking around behind your gfs back with your ex. *sniff* your gf is SUCH a bitch -__-

Dave: dinner with my folks. it makes me miss getting to see you everyday. as though i don't already miss that

ex gf: i miss you too, i'm excited about friday. i really like the web comic you sent me!

dave: i'm glad you dig the comics. i literally had you in mind when i read all of them. :*

ex gf: i felt like alot of the comic really applied to us!

AWWWWWW it's TWUE WUVE!!! seriously dave why the fuck are you even still with me? and then there is this little convo from last friday the 6th

dave: you don't need to explain yourself. unless you're just done with me or you don't love me, then i already get it. seriously. i know the angles.

ex gf: the thing is, i do love you. i kept everything for you tucked away in a place that i buried in my mind, firest in an effort to forget, and then i did (more or less). the recent events have caused my subconscious discovery of all of toise things i have for you, and i don't know how to react to them. its great when we hang out, and even when we don't. it's still painful, and i still cry )even though i didn't think i could anymore). i think you get that. but my point here is i can't do the double helix thing (me: the fuck does that mean ugh little cutesy inside reference). i love you but i also love (current bf which is her FIANCE) i can't tear you and your gf apart - it's not my place to do that to you, or her (me: REALLY? you seem to be a damn good job ripping honey) i'd still love to hang out with you when we can manage it. don't be too harsh on yourself. (me: she's right don't be too harsh dave. i will be leaving you and you'll have plenty of time to be harsh to yourself then :D) We're both entitled to our feelings and thoughts and that sort of things, and i'm not saying mine are changing. i'll always love you, and nothing will ever change that. we chose our paths three years ago when you left and i wallowed around in murk and used people until i felt better about myself. (me: ok. let me get this straight... YOU txt message dump him because you are a shallow whore and he left you??? how the fuck does that work again...) it was all crazy shit and shit happens (i'm not saying there weren't any good parts) but we can't change those things we've already done. (me: i'm so glad you had fun running around whoring for a couple years. but that is alright now since you found jesus.) I'm still in love with you.
I had a good time with you today, i could get lost in your eyes, and i like that you care about me so much. you need to know that i care about you too, and because of that, i can't be the one to take things away from you. hugs, for always.

dave: thank you. i want to be there for you. i just want to know where i stand at any time. you're still my best friend and i don't want to do anything to hurt you (me: i wish he still felt this way towards me... he doesn't seem to give a FUCK that he is killing me emotionally) is there anything you need from me?

ex gf: today would have been vastly different if we had been able to hand at your place. everything about you makes me warm on the inside.

dave: i'll try to be whatever you need of want me to be. i don't know how to tone down my appreciation or those things that make me digable but i'll see what i can do. do you need space?

ex gf: no space necessiary here and no worries. i'm not asking you to tone down your appreciation or anything like that. turbohugs!

dave: hugs. what would have been different had we gone to my place?

ex gf: i would have done the surprise thing that i told you about with the lamp. :j i'm sure that would have led to a kiss or two, and being under a sheet adds a level of physical privacy to it.

dave: oh well. hugs. i went ahead and purged the tasty pics and sweet txts. if she and i don't work out, that's just how it was supposed to be. i'll never expect to be with you in any ways. i'll always hope though (me: you'll be hoping alone come next summer when i'm done with school and i have my shit together. you bet your ass you'll be alone.)

ex gf: i'll just send more txts. i just hope your difficulties get better/go away, and i hopw that whatever issues you have with her are not because you talk with me. (me: LMAO! okok seriously does she NOT get that it's really fucking not okay that she is sending sexy pics and txts to my bf. i guess i'm suppose to play dumb.) to be completely hones (and not intentionally mean) but if sher can't trust you enough to talk/visit with your friends, then it seems that there would be a bigger issue there. (me: stop it! i can't breathe! okay FRIENDS don't want to FUCK each other! okay!)

dave: maybe it's still greedy and unreasonable but i still want you to hold me and make me feel safe. i think it might help me. i might cry but meh.

ex gf: i don't think it's greedy/unresonable. you could use one of those kinds of hugs. i'm okay with a few tears. or more or none.

dave: it would be very dangerous to have you meet her because i would be afraid to look at you the wrong way and have her see too much affection in my eyes and then she's just end up worrying. (me: i'm not worried. she has you by the dick and heart and i'm moving on. sorry.) I think she just needs to deal with it on her own. nothing i do, other than getting caught, is going to help or hinder her being comfortable with stuff. today, i'd sit down and close my eyes and then i'd see myself reaching over to caress you and i'l shake myself and open my eyes so that i wouldn't get a look on my face, good or bad. i didn't want to deal with any interrogation or making a mess of myself (me: believe me dave by the end you'll wish i would talk to you. it's going to be more silent then a tomb between us.)

ex gf: if she wants to talk to me i'm here to talk with. she can always contact me though fb if she so desires. but i'm not here to get catty with her or to be dogged on or anything like that.

dave: if she doesn't know better then to start shit with people who're obviously important to me, then she'll get some sort of punishment or something. i really don't know what i'd do.


well dave i know she means more to you then i ever did. it's been four years and you continue to love her as strong and true as if it were just yesterday. and i'm not going to compete to be loved or given affection. sorry. i don't care how lonely you are going to be. as long as it doesn't hurt my wallet or my food or my roof over my head. i couldn't give a shit about your loneliness. sorry darling.

dave: everytime you give me a high five, i hoped it would linger for just a moment longer as a caress.

ex gf: i thought about holding your hand in the car but i figured you needed both hands to drive.

dave: i really wanted you to. the whole time, not just in the car. it sounds silly, but i watched your hands in the same way i watched your lips.

ex gf: i saw that you watched my lips. :* <3

dave: it's just hard to not want your awesomeness all to myself even for an evening. i just think htat it's all ruined and that everything is over: friendship and all. i don't usually jump to conclustions or outright assume the worst, so i don't know why i do it with you. it's just hard to translate your signals into new guidelines on the spot; we usually spend the next few days doing that.

ex: my signals are coded for my own protection. just another result of how i healed myself after everything that happened.

dave: hugs. if your signals are more obvois, then i can stop more easily when you're not comfortable. instead i just keep trying and either feel bad for pressuring you or feel like an idiot for trying(me:you are an idiot dave. she just wants to have some i wish you were my bf bang sessions and then just use you whenever she feels like. kinda like before. but whatever)

ex: i'll work on it. i just don't want to be too harsh.

dave: just be calm and firm. smile, shake your head and say no. tell me to slow my roll. if you smile, it will severely soften any harshness. just tell me how to be so i don't need to wonder. youre smiles are quite powerful.

maybe this break up will lead to great love and adoration for me 5 years down the line when he is either with this bimbo or another dumb bitch who won't know he likes to have fingers in all of the pies :) this is just one of several convos that have gone on and will continue to go on with him and his ex. they apparantly have been meeting up and shit since july. whatthefuckever. only guy i loved and he still wants to get with his ex like hardfuckingcore. whatever. i'm just not sure why he is pretending he wants and loves me and shit. it's pretty freaking obvious that i'm just being kept around until she calls off her wedding or divorces the guy. and wants to run away with him into the sunset. looks like i was the only one to love in this relationship. yay.

UPDATE 11/12/09 so these FRIENDS are planning on fucking in my bed while i'm away on vacation. such great FRIENDS. it's a lucky thing i've screen captured this whole exchange and i will be forewarding all of my screen captures to her dumbfuck of a fiance. really guy needs to keep a closer eye on his skank n___n

used panties

so i have three different men who have paid me amounts that are in the realms of ridiculous for pairs of my panties... it's kinda something i never thought i would ever do... ever... but the money is kinda amazing... i just started doing it so who knows i maybe able to make a decent living out of it. i calculated being able to make 22k from it in a year if things are constantly favorable. i could buy a new car heh. yeah... i know this is about to sound horrible and lazy but i could just sell used panties, bras, stockings, clothing and get paid ridiculously why bother working a regular job?? i mean i could make more money selling worn items of clothes then i make working my ass off at work... this is kinda sad and awesome at the same time. if i can make a decent living off it i just do that for a long while and save as much as possible. and just tell my parents that i work at a dental office if they ask about the shiny new car XD

lolita

i really shouldn't be this intensely erotically interested in the Lolita movie (i liked the 1997 version). i found the relationship between Lolita and Humbert quite intoxicating. i know i probably shouldn't. i also liked the secret as well (movie) the idea of barely not incest - not direct incest excites me more then i should care for.

i am the cancer that should be cut out

so i had this tiny little crush on a guy from work who is married to a chick who also worked there. and now months later it is apparantly a mutual crush. and the crush is now giant. i am still with my significant other so this isn't going to work. dave knows about the situation and knows i'll be good and try and handle things properly. but i want the both of them. i wish i was in a poly relationship still. life was easier. i was able to go out and date and flirt with people and come home to main person i was with. of course that i wouldn't go further then kissing other people. but it's not how shit works in this long term relationship. i feel shitty like i lead him on which i know doesn't fucking make sense because i thought being 10 years old then me he would just see me as a kid and go on. he told me tonight when we were chatting that he really fell for me. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckityfuckfuck. the wife thinks this is onesided(me liking him). and i know at like doctor who and rose being seperated by different dimensions me and him must remain that far apart yet that close. i want him with every fiber of myself being i want him but i can't have him. i can't i would emotionally kill myself for it. i can't walk all over the trust that dave has given me. i just can't. but i want to. but i need to be strong against this. i want to ask them both if i could go with both of them but i just can't see that dave would be happy about it. i never thought this situation would come up in a zillion years. i feel like i fucked up his dreams and hopes.

yup

codes have been something i've used as a shield for years. something to cover up what i really want to say. my mom being the child psychologist that she is loved to pull and pick apart my diaries. and me knowing this would invent codes take a good solid three days to work out the kinks and memorize it and then burn the codex to it. the more random the code the better. but this is something that will probably be cracked fairly easy. anyways. just an announcement for those who follow and start to scratch their heads at coded entries. if anybody wants to try and break it send me a message and let me know. it'd be nice to converse in codes. i haven't found anybody to converse in codes. i prefer it if i use this number code i recently invented because i frankly am very rusty at the whole code cracking stuff...

anyways.

coward

though he is probably in his very last three months tops i just can't bring myself to go and see him. i'm such a selfish coward. everybody else went to go see him and the rest of the family has gone to see him. i just don't know why i can't bring myself to it.

leukemia pt 2

so aparantly grandpa's liver is failing and he can't have any chemo

no chemo
no stem cells
no bone marrow

just pain meds and some other meds to keep things at bay but they gave him 6 months to live.
and even though we didn't get to see tons of each other. it still rips me open. i don't want some
fucking christian cow telling me how god is calling him home to heaven. if i have to deal with one
more fucking christian telling me to pray.

fuck mindless prayer
fuck your invisible friend who lets HORRIBLE shit happen
fuck god

fuck T_T i'm going to bed....

We are alone here together

And in my mind we are screaming and fighting
I tell you things that I never would say
and if you don’t love me why can’t you just hate me?
as long as you feel something
we’ll find a way

Somehow you just don’t get it
as you turn and walk away

turn and walk away - The Wallstones (swedish band)


i just want him to stop being so apathetic sometimes.
it drives me to worse feelings numbness and wanting to just disappear.
he is freaking out big time because he finally got the confession out of me he wanted.
i told him that i've been on the cusp of anorexia for years now
and i'm starting to fall into it big time.
i confessed to it all. the starving, the secret selfharming, the will, the pills.
he doesn't know about the times where i was talked down from bridges
and he doesn't know about the suicide hotline and how that is where all of my cell
phone minutes are going.

i hate shrinks but like the poor volunteers at the hotline. maybe i feel they can't
pick me apart. maybe i just like knowing i could call them seriously 24 hrs
and somebody will be there and not care that it's 4am or that they are tired.

i am also grateful to my friend Locust who has talked me down many times without ever
even knowing it.

i just don't know if i will make it all the way through life.
i just don't know people.
i just don't.

sabotage

since the beginning 3 years ago i've been trying off and on to sabotage this relationship. being messy, annoying, loud, pestering, not wanting to help clean up, and now with spending. i was as well off and on aware of it. sometimes i did it on purpose because i thought he was just going to leave me. and tonight we had the worse fight in our three years together. i crawled into the bathroom for the last two hours and sobbed into the towels. knowing that this is very well the last bit. the last twig on the camels back. i know i shouldn't feel scared but i am seriously self destructive and sometimes i can help it and other times i just want him to hurt me as much as i want to hurt myself.

and knowing that i'm sabotaging it i do try and knock it off. but lately i'm just feeling completely out of control. the more and more i want to self harm the harder i am to be around.

i fear this is his exit. and i fear it is my own as well. when he goes so do i. it's not that i don't think there isn't thing outside of him. there just isn't another relationship i will be getting in after him. and having him around stops me from self harming. when he goes that will go back into full swing.

fuck it. i might as well just fucking do it now since he is probably already planning to leave.

leukemia

my grandfather has been diagnosed with leukemia and my mom flew down to be with him yesterday. my folks wouldn't tell me what was going on at first and i had to grill them. i seriously want him to get better but he is 84 and he was in remission for intestinal cancer which took 80% of his intestinal tract. My mom has already started saying things like he's lived a long life and blah blah blah.

i don't want to hear that. i want to hear that is going to live another 20 years and to see his great grandbabies and to beat this leukemia like he beat cancer.

but the likelihood isn't good. my folks are finally telling me that he has been very very sick the last couple years. often being in the hospital fighting to keep up just a general health.

i don't have money to get a plane ticket out there. but i think i'm going to have to sell somethings like my guitar. to get up the funds to go see him if this gets any worse.

-sigh- i know he is getting up there but it doesn't make the pain hurt any less.

anyways. that is what's on my mind

dark lust

watched your ways darkly slide
colliding with my shoulders
the sick that feels
scalded coffee in the back of the throat
and that blade hid beneath ribs
with accidents seeping blood
made snowflakes on my thighs
peeling back the layers
to cut you open
consume your languor
compensate for fealty
with the bitterest regard uttered
for your pleasure only
glinting against the dark
with two saucers of pale green
predatory eyes seeking out
the wounded

....

who so sheddeth a man's blood by man shall his blood be shed

-genisis 9:6



























an eye for an eye may make the world blind but perhaps we were already blind

Spock...

Take me away... mmmmmmmmmm seriously my Vulcan fetish has only been compounded. Damn you Zachary Quinto!!!!! *drools uncontrollably* i can haz :( please ... *puppy dog eyes*

I'm a hopeless fan. Some might say it's just because of Quinto. But it's not - Nemoy captured my heart and Quinto just cements it.

Nemoy and Quinto as Spock <3

Old and new Spock both great characters.

I don't like Heros at all and the times I've seen it I've really hoped Sylar (Quinto) would just finally kill the cheerleader. she is such a stupid bitch. ugh. it is great every time he kills someone in an impossibly awesome fashion. Anyways.

Back to the matter at hand. Spock. You tasty tasty man. Maybe you could teach me how to be more logical <3 hehe

loved the childhood background on spock in the new movie. it was great but not there as much as i would have liked. there was a big portion more centered around kirk... ugh...

spock always had to bale his ass out of um EVERYthing. but they did make a great team.

still wish they would have added more child spock. the kid playing kid spock was also awesomesauce. great portrayls of the best and questionably one of the sexiest scifi charaters. :D Long live his sexiness XD













damn it now i'm horny... :(

jesus i need help XD




spock's help





he'd make my away team anyday


XD


omg




he could mind meld me anytime




hahah




:( serious professional help... seriously... *dials therapist* XD



dammit spock :( stop being tasty!


ps- dave is annoyed as hell that i would leave him for spock... even old spock :P sorry dave. vulcans are sexier then humans anyday!



my fantasy life is more developed and richer then my real life. phail. epik phail...

seriously BEST movie this year. seriously handsdown.

The glowing reviews I've seen everywhere are 100% accurate. Being a diehard trekkie and a devote kirk & spock (mostly spock <3) fan I thought Pine & Quinto nailed it! The plot was fantastic and I didn't think there was a slow spot. It started with a bang and ended with things wrapped up perfectly! The backgrounds on both Kirk and Spock were excellent with a minor critique on them spending more time on kirk. (hey i can't help it spock is more fasinating). i feared out of place goofiness from Pegg but he did great and kept it in check. the supporting cast was excellent and made it their own :D Great effects, awesome music, witty (not goofy tastefully clever) banter, tons of stuff there for trekkies. loved it and will be seeing it again! JJ Abrams fully delivered an exceptional movie! GO SEE IT NOW!!!!!!!! :P :D

hate

i've had so much hate and depression and frustration and stress.

i can't decide if i hate myself or the world more or if the world is a close second to how much i hate myself or if the world is really who i hate.

who cares about hate.

it lives in the background of my mind thrumming with a heat that just changes my reactions to everybody to a searing annoyance. i don't talk to my coworkers anymore. they still try and talk to me. i just don't care. i just don't understand why i am so miserable.

i remember when i was younger how i was thinking when i'm 21 i'm going to have a great life. decent car, job, friends. i'd be happy and have lots of art in my life. who knew that just waking up is enough for me to want to just blow my brains out.

i've gone back to pretending i'm fine for dave. it's great. he thinks i'm fine so he is happy which is good. i want him to be happy. i just want to be just a tiiiinny bit less miserable. i seriously have felt this way for years and years. who cares anyways.

i'll just talk it out -__- yeah talking helps alot. >.> <.< >.> not in my case.
i talk about it feel okay for like a day or two and then start feeling like shit again.

blehblehbleh

tried to talk to friends in chat and they ignored me everytime. bleh but hey i guess it's chat so what the fuck did i expect. i'm tired. working was long but not bad. i am transfered over to lawn and garden and it's pretty cool for what i do anyways. it's very low key and low stress which is nice. Found a new band that i liked - Matt and Kim www.mattandkimmusic.com yup pretty fun stuff. I love Kim she is such a hottie and cutie! female drummers ftw <3 Anyways.

I'm trying to get myself in the habit of writing even just a little bit everyday because I amd sorely out of it. Anyways. i'm off for now.

all tied up on the inside

got a promotion all 20 cents of it.. woooow i am rolling with the big boys now. why doesn't somebody just shoot me? it seems like there is alot of senseless shootings these days. so why not me. i work at a walmart and at night. couldn't somebody have the decency to shoot me on my way to my car one night. steal my car and leave me for dead. at least david wouldn't hate me if i died that way...

Crossroads

I've got nothing on my mind:
nothing to remember,
Nothing to forget.
and I've got nothing to regret,

But I'm all tied up on the inside,
No one knows quite what I've got;
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not anymore.

You know I've heard about people like me,
But I never made the connection.
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction.

But there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where I stand.
And I believe I'll walk them all
No matter what I may have planned.

Can you remember who I was?
Can you still feel it?
Can you find my pain?
Can you heal it?

Then lay your hands upon me now
And cast this darkness from my soul.
You alone can light my way.
You alone can make me whole once again.

We've walked both sides of every street
Through all kinds of windy weather.
But that was never our defeat
As long as we could walk together.

So there's no need for turning back
`cause all roads lead to where we stand.
And I believe we'll walk them all
No matter what we may have planned.


I want this song playing at my funeral. Don just seemed to know how to say what i needed to but could never find the words to.

if you read this you know who you are. i am so close to just throw myself away. please save what's left of me before i throw it all away.

strangers i knew and loved

being away from everything i knew for a year and a month has changed me. i hate to sound lame. but i just don't care anymore. i've let myself go. i gained 20 pounds and let my hair grow out. i don't call anybody. don't email or really even i.m. i used to use up more then my 300 mins. a month phone plan. i just read a post on a friends blog about being alienated, hated, and rejected by her workplace. :( while one part of my heart reaches out to want to console. the other part wants to shout see see this is how i feel. all. the. time!!!! especially since moving out first from my folks house and then out here. maybe it's a good thing that i'm just dwindling into a thought in the back of some of my friends head. i've thought just not going home ever again. i know things are hard for everyone everywhere.

while people everywhere are losing their jobs and houses i'm losing my mind and way. i've been putting on the ok mask for the last week but i just want to go pavement swimming..

everytime i fail at something i keep hearing what my mom told me so many years ago.
"i'm not supposed to be alive, i'm not supposed to have lived through it all."
i've been feeling like i've lived on time that should have been for somebody else for a long time. ever since she said that. i know where she was coming from being a shrink and all. but i just can't but feel that i just shouldn't have been born. i'm just a waste. who am i kidding. i should have just killed myself years ago. i'm just a waste of money. and space. and time.

dave makes fun of me when i suggest i should try and get medicated for depression. maybe he won't fucking make fun of me when he has to identify my remains when finally jump.

it doesn't matter anyway because everyone is just going to leave me anyways. so who cares. they all think i'm really weird so what does it matter if i just kill myself. i mean people make such a big deal about it. but really what are you going to miss about me really. come the fuck on. dave will move on to another gf. and my friends will just remember me sometimes. just like fucking now. i mean who cares. boo hoo fuck them. if they fucking CARED ABOUT ME AT ALL they would call or send a card or fucking worry about me. or something. christ. i am so fucking lonely out here. i want to cut so badly. things would be easier if i could just cut. i can't because i promised dave i wouldn't. whatever. nobody is going to read this. i'm just going to get made fun of and belittled anyways. who fucking cares any fucking more.

we live in a time where we WATCH somebody KILLING THEMSELVES online LIVE and DON'T fucking DO anything. we don't care. we don't. we just want to make fun of the emos and the hurt people and blame the victim. lets all blame the victim because that will help them see how insignificat their abuse and ptsd is. yeah.

it was 10 years ago but i can't even watch a man roughhouse with his son without remembering watching my dad RAPE my brother as a kid. i just wanted to scream and throw up and pass out. instead i had to stand there at work and pretend that i wasn't really remembering my brother being raped and watching him struggle and scream and cry and plead and getting beaten and raped. no i will just stand here and fold clothes and make small talk with the mom and pretend that my childhood doesn't make me want to shoot myself in the fucking face.

god i fucking hate people sometimes. i just wish i could get through sex fucking ONCE with my fiance without feeling semi sick and forcing horrible memories of being gangraped back down into the darkness of my mind.

i need some fucking sleep.

i'm tired and so fucking depressed. i just want things to stop. i want to be the boring person that everyone else seems to be. overtanned overplucked overexposed to media and underread. maybe if i was a boring sheep like the rest of the population my life would be awesome.

(-, __ -,)

i'm out for now.

have a good night...
somebody out there...

birthdays

birthdays are a miserable excuse of a day. i hate them more and more as i get older. I think it reminds me of how much i feel like a failure and a let down to everybody. i am even hating the idea of going back to school now. not because i don't want to go or learn because i want to very much. i just don't want to waste my time and money or my families. and i think this has driven me to not study the math i should. and to not update my folks like i should. bleh. i want to stab myself. i seriously fucking hate all holidays as well. fuck...