only the bestest starwars light saber gag ever! no seriously i love a good lightsaber fight...

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where was i while everyone else was getting high?

I've been wondering about how I've shut myself away from everyone else.
I've been in chapel hill 11 months- almost a year and I've no friends. And while that usually doesn't bother me... I have to wonder. Why didn't I let myself go out and be a human. I've noticed since the romance I've trapped myself. I've slipped further back in my progression as a mature person. I think my Sickness is progressing. I think I'm driving myself to insanity.

someday you'll find me trapped beneath the landslide

I'm caught between pushing him away and continuing to fuck myself over.
And letting go. Trusting. I've never trusted anyone. Anyone. I've started to trust him the last 6 months. Now with the leaving of NC I'm doubting everything. Everything. My existence, My purpose, My being lovable, My worth....

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it's okay to be safe

I don't feel safe. I can't feel safe or I'll be cut to pieces. I can't breathe. I can't be open. I can't saved him. I can't be saved by anyone but me.


i'm losing control falling by the wayside

I'm so scared. I'm wanting to just fail. Just to prove them right. So they could whisper about how fucked and pathetic I was. How my brain was whacked and that's why I did it.

I'm going now.


I hope I don't do anything too stupid.

suicide... again

my suicide is eventually I've realized today. It's not the immediate goodbye world crap. It's the living and living until I feel too feeble to care about myself anymore. I'm already heading that way... I'm wanting to cut more and more and I've had a few serious attempts. But I'm trying to hold on for David. It's been a month since I last posted (close enough to a month anyways). I'm stressed and stretched. I'm feeling more then ever that I have no direction and I have no purpose. Hell is not having a purpose and being too much of a coward to end it. I have no end to the love I have for my friends, family, and my darling. He's my idea what a human should be. Sweet thoughtful, etc. He wants me forever and I just don't feel like I can do it. Not the commitment. Just life: crappy city, crappy jobs, crappy apartment, crappy furnishings, crappy food, and crappy people. Lately I just want him to find another girl. I don't want to be his heartache when I find the courage. I just can't get over the messages I recieved when I was a child. That I'm filthy, useless, a bitch, a whore, a mistake, a mess-up, a unwanted pregnancy, stupid, ugly, talentless. I feel day by day I'm crumbling into thinking that's true. It would be his emotional undoing (at least for a few months-1 year) if anything happened to me self-inflicted or otherwise. I've got to go get some air. This is too much to think about right now. I need to start packing. I can't be focusing my energy on this bullshit. I have a life I need to live instead of sitting here throwing a pity party...

more later.