are you ready all those worthless pointless ASSHOLES out there??? well i am
I am ready to set this shit straight and put the last nails in this coffin and kiss this pointless friendship GOODBYE
here it is
i couldn't give a flying FUCK about her or about you (anymore).
i've had so many of my buttons pushed over the last month i'm sick of your shit and everybody elses.
Don't you *ever* assume you fucking know me, not now and certianly not ever.
That post was about another friend I had made out here three years ago when shit was crazy and depressing and nobody back home remembered i even existed. including you so don't get all high on your fucking horse because you are living off kindness and sisterly love. I messed up with her somewhere down the line said some things that were unforgiveable and didn't appreciate the amazing friendship I had with her.
YOU made this into something about your "roomie" who frankly means less to me then anyone i've ever known. she's burned her bridges and fucked shit over JUST as much as I did. Just because she don't want to take it like a man and own up to her shitty behavior don't mean it didn't happen.
I've been posting casual comments on her stuff and things are pretty much as icy and polite as one should expect. If things want to change she has to call my ass up and start explaining and owning up. And I will apologize for the stuff I've said and done because i am truly regretful about things. If money is what she wants tell me where to send the check. If an apology is what she wants I will apologize and throughly mean it. But if she wants to blame our broken friendship on my shoulders then she can go suck a dick.
HOWEVER i don't need you turning into some BRAINLESS FUCKING attack dog over drama that DIDN'T exist before you brought it. You have only yourself and your fucked line of thinking and assuming shit to blame for the end of this. THINK for yourself before you attack. Don't assume shit because you don't know me anymore. You know NOTHING about my friends and my situation. I tell you bits and pieces because honestly you never are around like her. So i'm not going to tell you about my personal heartbreaks over friends and family when you only care when it's convient. Just like your big sis.
I wish i didn't feel this angry and hateful towards you because you have been a good friend to me through many things. But I can't take anymore people attacking me over shit they imagined in their heads. I can't take people assuming and judging first and then days weeks months later decide oh wait it's not what i assumed. FUCK THAT. i deserve better. and if you were in your right mind you would tell me i deserved better.
you know since you decided to avoid me and be an overgrown child about this i have no choice but to use emotional warfare and gut this friendship so you don't ever want anything to do with me. because from now on i can't have anymore to do with you. i'm slowing opening myself up to another life. and i wanted you to be there for my good times and my successes like i wanted to be there for yours. but i can't have friends who thoughtlessly attack me over shit that they can't comprehend.
you decided to hang on to the friendship you had with her. take the bullshit and the good parts. the bullshit was too much for me and so i ripped myself away from it. and now that i see the bullshit that is coming from you it's not worth it. and i'm ripping myself away. you have your "roomies" and Liz and Torbi and whoever else you've attached yourself to. you obviously never were my friend. i was just scraps just something to talk to and complain to until you had your golden friend back. well now you have her back you don't fucking need me anymore.
i wish i would've had the fucking nuts to jump a week ago. i wouldn't have to live through another dead friendship. shit. i don't need this on top of everything else. fuck you and your bullshit. and fuck her for probably sending you to attack me because she might not have nuts to attack me herself. you know what you can have her and the wonderful leeching lifestyle you continue to have. and i will just keep myself to myself.
i hate you for doing this to me. i honestly didn't need more shit piled on me. especially not from someone i actually cared and trusted.
get the fuck out of my life and don't let the door hit you on the way out.
T__T
18.4.10
10.4.10
you don't know me at all yet i know you very well
Just by reading my thoughts on my blog one (sane person) can't possibly think they understand me. I can believe that there has been an enlightenment but not a total understanding of who I am. Though I'll admit it does seem like a good line to use on a mentally troubled girl. Borderline Personality and Bipolar Disorder are NOT things people "go through" that is how they are -___- it's like Jazz if you don't get it what the fuck is the point of explaining it because you'll never get it...
Onward to more important things then trying to explain myself. Because I really don't think I have to this person or the world. If people don't want to waste the time getting to know me then fuck them. It's hard enough explaining it the first time in general terms. Though I'm sure he meant well by reading my blog and going through all of my private links I doubt he really understands me at all.
He hasn't changed at all. He keeps making these claims that he is. At least he did now we don't even look at each other. The last things he texted me was how he was going to be pissed at me for a very long time after my refusal to take him back. After he dumped me over BULLSHIT. Saying I screwed him out of a second chance. FUCK THAT. He is the jackass that has time and again treated me with utter disrespect and insanity. FUCK that. I had tried to understand his utter lack of understanding who I am. Tried to tolerate the jealousy, the crazy online stalking, the mean piggish whore/madonna complex he has. Couldn't let myself get dragged through another round of just awful behaviour. Honestly if he was as cool and amazing as when I first became interested in him things would've gone differently...
I just doubt he will change at all because he was "changing" to keep me. Not because he recognized that he was batshit insane and had major issues that he let fester inside him for decades. The fact that he admitted that the only reason he was going back to school was in a feeble attempt to impress my mom in the future when he might have met her. It's like he honestly doesn't want to better himself because he needs to for his own good. Not to impress anybody. And I think I tried to explain that to him that the last time we spoke but it's not like he listened. ~_~ bleh. I know this was a couple weeks ago but I feel I need to purge all the thoughts of him so that I can move on. I've been trying to justify why he behaved the way he did. Tried to regain the image I use to have of him but I just don't care anymore.
I took my math placement test a couple days ago and I tested for a prealgebra class. I'm pissed at myself because if I had been studying harder instead of wasting my time with him and people in generally I would be prepared for a real college algebra course. People and men specifically are a monumental waste of time and energy and forgiveness. Twisted little dick-centric children. >_< So I guess this will hopefully teach me to never deal with asshole men which is just really men. There are no asshole-free men out there. Just some that are better at pretending they are decent. It might takes weeks, months, or even years but eventually that little persona of decency will slip and show the inner asshole.
I'm so emotionally battered over the last three "relationships" I have had. Fucking people ripping me apart and leaving me for dead and then blaming me when all I want is to pick up the tiny little pieces and heal myself the best I can. Fuck 'em all. seriously. Nobody wants to be with me just some ideal of me or some imaginary woman in their head they think I represent.
Puck- crawling back after making the biggest mistake in his life. He knows he fucked up so bad that he can't hope to get another chance with somebody like me. I think I was the best girlfriend he ever had and probably will have for a long time. Though things for the last 6 months have been tough at best there has been glimmers of how good things use to be. We use to be the golden couple everyone looked to. And I kinda want to find somebody to be golden with again. But who the fuck would that be??? My imaginary friends? Book, Movie, Tv show characters?? :'(
K- with her inability to accept when people run away and why they do so. I won't tell her what's wrong with her because if she is too fucking lazy to go over her little failures of relationships and actually pick apart what she is doing wrong then I'm too lazy to tell her what's missing.
H- so much to say but honestly it came down to fact that he has a horrible whore/madonna complex coupled with the fact that he has already decided his life is over. Which I don't know what is worst. And what seems to be this need to have a woman save and define him which is odd because he treats women like they are what's wrong with his life. Fuck it. I don't know. I get this feeling that while things are rough for him whereever he is staying and the rides he is getting to and from work. That he won't really do much about it until once again he is forced to make a change. Which now I'm out of the picture I wonder who will push him to make himself better. Who knows. Who cares.
Both K and H REFUSE to change for the betterment of their living situation and to make their lifes a happier more productive one so why should I fucking putting in all the effort to be their cheerleader and counselor when they won't do shit for themselves.
I need to take a bath to feel better, then a shower and a small jog followed by some upside down situps and possibly some weight training. Starting in May at the latest I WILL be doing a regular fitness routine. I'm SICK of being fat and gross.
i hope that tomorrow will be better. I am going to try and not dwell on this bullshit anymore because I've seen how destructive it is for my own well being to worry about people who are lost causes.
later
Onward to more important things then trying to explain myself. Because I really don't think I have to this person or the world. If people don't want to waste the time getting to know me then fuck them. It's hard enough explaining it the first time in general terms. Though I'm sure he meant well by reading my blog and going through all of my private links I doubt he really understands me at all.
He hasn't changed at all. He keeps making these claims that he is. At least he did now we don't even look at each other. The last things he texted me was how he was going to be pissed at me for a very long time after my refusal to take him back. After he dumped me over BULLSHIT. Saying I screwed him out of a second chance. FUCK THAT. He is the jackass that has time and again treated me with utter disrespect and insanity. FUCK that. I had tried to understand his utter lack of understanding who I am. Tried to tolerate the jealousy, the crazy online stalking, the mean piggish whore/madonna complex he has. Couldn't let myself get dragged through another round of just awful behaviour. Honestly if he was as cool and amazing as when I first became interested in him things would've gone differently...
I just doubt he will change at all because he was "changing" to keep me. Not because he recognized that he was batshit insane and had major issues that he let fester inside him for decades. The fact that he admitted that the only reason he was going back to school was in a feeble attempt to impress my mom in the future when he might have met her. It's like he honestly doesn't want to better himself because he needs to for his own good. Not to impress anybody. And I think I tried to explain that to him that the last time we spoke but it's not like he listened. ~_~ bleh. I know this was a couple weeks ago but I feel I need to purge all the thoughts of him so that I can move on. I've been trying to justify why he behaved the way he did. Tried to regain the image I use to have of him but I just don't care anymore.
I took my math placement test a couple days ago and I tested for a prealgebra class. I'm pissed at myself because if I had been studying harder instead of wasting my time with him and people in generally I would be prepared for a real college algebra course. People and men specifically are a monumental waste of time and energy and forgiveness. Twisted little dick-centric children. >_< So I guess this will hopefully teach me to never deal with asshole men which is just really men. There are no asshole-free men out there. Just some that are better at pretending they are decent. It might takes weeks, months, or even years but eventually that little persona of decency will slip and show the inner asshole.
I'm so emotionally battered over the last three "relationships" I have had. Fucking people ripping me apart and leaving me for dead and then blaming me when all I want is to pick up the tiny little pieces and heal myself the best I can. Fuck 'em all. seriously. Nobody wants to be with me just some ideal of me or some imaginary woman in their head they think I represent.
Puck- crawling back after making the biggest mistake in his life. He knows he fucked up so bad that he can't hope to get another chance with somebody like me. I think I was the best girlfriend he ever had and probably will have for a long time. Though things for the last 6 months have been tough at best there has been glimmers of how good things use to be. We use to be the golden couple everyone looked to. And I kinda want to find somebody to be golden with again. But who the fuck would that be??? My imaginary friends? Book, Movie, Tv show characters?? :'(
K- with her inability to accept when people run away and why they do so. I won't tell her what's wrong with her because if she is too fucking lazy to go over her little failures of relationships and actually pick apart what she is doing wrong then I'm too lazy to tell her what's missing.
H- so much to say but honestly it came down to fact that he has a horrible whore/madonna complex coupled with the fact that he has already decided his life is over. Which I don't know what is worst. And what seems to be this need to have a woman save and define him which is odd because he treats women like they are what's wrong with his life. Fuck it. I don't know. I get this feeling that while things are rough for him whereever he is staying and the rides he is getting to and from work. That he won't really do much about it until once again he is forced to make a change. Which now I'm out of the picture I wonder who will push him to make himself better. Who knows. Who cares.
Both K and H REFUSE to change for the betterment of their living situation and to make their lifes a happier more productive one so why should I fucking putting in all the effort to be their cheerleader and counselor when they won't do shit for themselves.
I need to take a bath to feel better, then a shower and a small jog followed by some upside down situps and possibly some weight training. Starting in May at the latest I WILL be doing a regular fitness routine. I'm SICK of being fat and gross.
i hope that tomorrow will be better. I am going to try and not dwell on this bullshit anymore because I've seen how destructive it is for my own well being to worry about people who are lost causes.
later
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