sabotage

since the beginning 3 years ago i've been trying off and on to sabotage this relationship. being messy, annoying, loud, pestering, not wanting to help clean up, and now with spending. i was as well off and on aware of it. sometimes i did it on purpose because i thought he was just going to leave me. and tonight we had the worse fight in our three years together. i crawled into the bathroom for the last two hours and sobbed into the towels. knowing that this is very well the last bit. the last twig on the camels back. i know i shouldn't feel scared but i am seriously self destructive and sometimes i can help it and other times i just want him to hurt me as much as i want to hurt myself.

and knowing that i'm sabotaging it i do try and knock it off. but lately i'm just feeling completely out of control. the more and more i want to self harm the harder i am to be around.

i fear this is his exit. and i fear it is my own as well. when he goes so do i. it's not that i don't think there isn't thing outside of him. there just isn't another relationship i will be getting in after him. and having him around stops me from self harming. when he goes that will go back into full swing.

fuck it. i might as well just fucking do it now since he is probably already planning to leave.

leukemia

my grandfather has been diagnosed with leukemia and my mom flew down to be with him yesterday. my folks wouldn't tell me what was going on at first and i had to grill them. i seriously want him to get better but he is 84 and he was in remission for intestinal cancer which took 80% of his intestinal tract. My mom has already started saying things like he's lived a long life and blah blah blah.

i don't want to hear that. i want to hear that is going to live another 20 years and to see his great grandbabies and to beat this leukemia like he beat cancer.

but the likelihood isn't good. my folks are finally telling me that he has been very very sick the last couple years. often being in the hospital fighting to keep up just a general health.

i don't have money to get a plane ticket out there. but i think i'm going to have to sell somethings like my guitar. to get up the funds to go see him if this gets any worse.

-sigh- i know he is getting up there but it doesn't make the pain hurt any less.

anyways. that is what's on my mind

dark lust

watched your ways darkly slide
colliding with my shoulders
the sick that feels
scalded coffee in the back of the throat
and that blade hid beneath ribs
with accidents seeping blood
made snowflakes on my thighs
peeling back the layers
to cut you open
consume your languor
compensate for fealty
with the bitterest regard uttered
for your pleasure only
glinting against the dark
with two saucers of pale green
predatory eyes seeking out
the wounded

....

who so sheddeth a man's blood by man shall his blood be shed

-genisis 9:6



























an eye for an eye may make the world blind but perhaps we were already blind

Spock...

Take me away... mmmmmmmmmm seriously my Vulcan fetish has only been compounded. Damn you Zachary Quinto!!!!! *drools uncontrollably* i can haz :( please ... *puppy dog eyes*

I'm a hopeless fan. Some might say it's just because of Quinto. But it's not - Nemoy captured my heart and Quinto just cements it.

Nemoy and Quinto as Spock <3

Old and new Spock both great characters.

I don't like Heros at all and the times I've seen it I've really hoped Sylar (Quinto) would just finally kill the cheerleader. she is such a stupid bitch. ugh. it is great every time he kills someone in an impossibly awesome fashion. Anyways.

Back to the matter at hand. Spock. You tasty tasty man. Maybe you could teach me how to be more logical <3 hehe

loved the childhood background on spock in the new movie. it was great but not there as much as i would have liked. there was a big portion more centered around kirk... ugh...

spock always had to bale his ass out of um EVERYthing. but they did make a great team.

still wish they would have added more child spock. the kid playing kid spock was also awesomesauce. great portrayls of the best and questionably one of the sexiest scifi charaters. :D Long live his sexiness XD













damn it now i'm horny... :(

jesus i need help XD




spock's help





he'd make my away team anyday


XD


omg




he could mind meld me anytime




hahah




:( serious professional help... seriously... *dials therapist* XD



dammit spock :( stop being tasty!


ps- dave is annoyed as hell that i would leave him for spock... even old spock :P sorry dave. vulcans are sexier then humans anyday!



my fantasy life is more developed and richer then my real life. phail. epik phail...

seriously BEST movie this year. seriously handsdown.

The glowing reviews I've seen everywhere are 100% accurate. Being a diehard trekkie and a devote kirk & spock (mostly spock <3) fan I thought Pine & Quinto nailed it! The plot was fantastic and I didn't think there was a slow spot. It started with a bang and ended with things wrapped up perfectly! The backgrounds on both Kirk and Spock were excellent with a minor critique on them spending more time on kirk. (hey i can't help it spock is more fasinating). i feared out of place goofiness from Pegg but he did great and kept it in check. the supporting cast was excellent and made it their own :D Great effects, awesome music, witty (not goofy tastefully clever) banter, tons of stuff there for trekkies. loved it and will be seeing it again! JJ Abrams fully delivered an exceptional movie! GO SEE IT NOW!!!!!!!! :P :D

hate

i've had so much hate and depression and frustration and stress.

i can't decide if i hate myself or the world more or if the world is a close second to how much i hate myself or if the world is really who i hate.

who cares about hate.

it lives in the background of my mind thrumming with a heat that just changes my reactions to everybody to a searing annoyance. i don't talk to my coworkers anymore. they still try and talk to me. i just don't care. i just don't understand why i am so miserable.

i remember when i was younger how i was thinking when i'm 21 i'm going to have a great life. decent car, job, friends. i'd be happy and have lots of art in my life. who knew that just waking up is enough for me to want to just blow my brains out.

i've gone back to pretending i'm fine for dave. it's great. he thinks i'm fine so he is happy which is good. i want him to be happy. i just want to be just a tiiiinny bit less miserable. i seriously have felt this way for years and years. who cares anyways.

i'll just talk it out -__- yeah talking helps alot. >.> <.< >.> not in my case.
i talk about it feel okay for like a day or two and then start feeling like shit again.

blehblehbleh

tried to talk to friends in chat and they ignored me everytime. bleh but hey i guess it's chat so what the fuck did i expect. i'm tired. working was long but not bad. i am transfered over to lawn and garden and it's pretty cool for what i do anyways. it's very low key and low stress which is nice. Found a new band that i liked - Matt and Kim www.mattandkimmusic.com yup pretty fun stuff. I love Kim she is such a hottie and cutie! female drummers ftw <3 Anyways.

I'm trying to get myself in the habit of writing even just a little bit everyday because I amd sorely out of it. Anyways. i'm off for now.