It starts with one thing
I don't know why
It doesn't even matter how hard you try keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme
To explain in due time
All I know Time is a valuable thing
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings
Watch it count down to the end of the day
The clock ticks life away
It's so unreal
Didn't look out below
Watch the time go right out the window
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know
Wasted it all just to watch you go
I kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

One thing, I don't know why
It doesn’t even matter how hard you try, keep that in mind
I designed this rhyme, to explain in due time
I tried so hard
In spite of the way you were mocking me
Acting like I was part of your property
Remembering all the times you fought with me
I'm surprised it got so (far)
Things aren't the way they were before
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me (in the end)
You kept everything inside and even though I tried, it all fell apart
What it meant to me will eventually be a memory of a time when

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

A tale of two sisters

at the end of the movie i thought- huh?! Wtf... I'm going to rewatch it. I'm prolly the slowest person on the planet... It was a great movie but i there is stuff missing that didn't connect. maybe i just didn't get it. that could be it. good movie. it just left me dazed....

anyway *sigh*

no money. no checks today. not until tomorrow. I'm missing my friends. They are either busy with housework, in a another country, weighed down with way to much school, or live too far away. i should be out being a productive little drone. i'm not though. which is supposedly very very bad. mmm. i'm going to start another painting. the one i am working one is impossible for me. i have no skills with acrylic paint. /_
oh well.....

in other news-i was censored. there's something i've always hated about people who censor artists..... so here. will be my pictures and words that other places object. It's tasteful art.
and now i'm going to excerise my rights to speak and post.....
it's not sex it's art so get over yourselves...


He took these pitures of me and did a beautiful job. They are slightly blurred but really good. yes i'm exposed but that is how i was before humans threw clothing on me. people who are scared of their bare skin has issues. I had really bad self images for very long time. But i think that i'm over it now. i have realized that there are too many freaks out there just wanting bodies and not the souls inside the body. That's okay though, as long as I know who I am. I know what I'm against even if I'm still unsure what I am for.





Blured clarity. The way the light is set in this picture makes it look heavenly

*sigh* It's 6am and I'm trying to sleep. Last day. Last few moments. The caresses are loving, the kisses tender, and the look on his face is so delicate. I'm trying hard not foil the last perfect seconds i have with him with these childish tears. But *tears fall* I can't help it. I will be going back to the grim, the steel, cold glares, long hours. Count myself luck to even know him, to have him here but of all of the wicked injustices.... Three long months. a 4th of a year. It's not the burning golden light that hovers above his skin it's the darkness that is speaking for me again. The lone night with the blinked out stars. We'll see one another sooner then I feel. I just get so, lonely. I suppose that's my problem not his. It'll be okay. I guess that I'm just getting edgy.

These months will be wearing.
i have many hours to be made up if i hope to cover next (may) rent. I know it was foolish to take so much time off work. i couldn't help myself though. the bills are making little piles on my kitchen counter and i want to close them up in a drawer and ignore them. everyone feels that way i guess. so in general i'm nothing new. nothing too sparkly. jus' a young struggling artist. the kind my folks sniffed at. warned me not to become. but i'm too driven to this. to paint. to create the world in my image. to creat nothing nothing too out of the way. but to try to carve my name in this small town.

which
brings me to a new topic.
cities.
how i love the closeness of my artist friends. but. all this slow death. the toxic things that are being pasively brought into my body.
yesterday i went to the science museum. there was a forest exhibit. it made me so homesick for the forest. real trees, the smells of leaves and wet earth, all the delicate bluebells in the spring, the little creek full of fish, the moss. i feel like a fairy torn from it's home. forced to deal with the decay of the world around me. how perfectly awful cities are. tiny trees scrawny and unhappy. i want to leave it all behind. i want to be responsible about it though. i want to pay my rent and take care of the loose ends. then. in june. leave here. maybe the stars in kansas would welcome me home. maybe he would welcome me into his arms. under a dew stained half lit moon and we'd live there for a bit...

maybe he'd let me come to him and i'd spend the summer instead with him....

i must go dry my eyes.
i must go behave civilized.
tidy stiff social ties
these convenient lies
"it's all alright"
they are all so uptight...

*sigh* The thrift store?! My painting I spent so much effort, so much worry, so many sleepless nights on. It's hard to feel that the placement is a critique on my skill. doesn't matter. i'm really sad about it though. I wish there would have been a little more erm consideration as to the places.... Why a thrift store? Albiet it's a PTA thrift store but still. I'm going off to pout.....

Puck! it's been several days that his has been here. He told me that he didn't want to leave. There is no reason to think otherwise. He doesn't know whether he'll graduate in May or June. It'll be too long either way. I'm being a little unfair about it all. Sometimes i get the feeling that I'm being perfectly fair about it. I can't imagine a life here without him. So perhaps being stranded in a city of cold metallic glares is unfair. But he has become braver then I expected. Then combination of his shyness and this recent bravery is a little unreal. The first night he was here we couldn't fall asleep for fear of our meeting being a dream. It's hard to think of him as anything else but a dream. It's too unobtainable, too fragile, amazing. How could one, like me, deserve somebody so wholly wonderful. Here's a picture of him on my bed.
Hehe. He's so adorable and innocent looking. But not innocent at all. Hard not to think of him as delicate, fragile. He is. But he's tough, determined, loyal, devoted. My better half. he took this picture on the first day he was here. it's clumsy but artsy.

this second picture of us is cute. he's peeking over me. hehe. i love him!!

Lots of pictures to be posted. more in a few days. We are off to the beach tomorrow. it's nice to just be able to take off. Off to play in the surf, sand, and (hopefully) sun. We should be back in time for bed. heh. I'm being called by my love.... *grins*

linkage!!! okay everybody. check out what looks good. i got a little carried away. i get that way when i figure something out about making/building a blog/webpage. anyway.
tomorrow is the last day of school for him and i'm hoping very very selfishly that he'd start wednesday evening. but that is stupid. he needs an evening of rest before the gets started on thursday hopefully or maybe friday afternoon if he needs his sleep. I'm working Thursday night. sigh. money. i fucking hate money. yeah. i have a 5-9 that night but... who knows.... they might try and keep me until abit later if it's crazy, never can tell with amante's. last saturday was dead to the world but on sunday it was packed from 5-10:30. jesus that night i was making one order after another after another. But it would be wonderful if i was working and then... he walked in. I would squeak and jump on him. That would be wonderful. he'd order a pizza and drive me home.... hehe.

My very bones feels like feathers. The wind today caressed my body so tenderly and I couldn't help imagine how he will caress my features like an angel- light airy barely there but something etheral. And at every moment free of the silly thing forced upon us all- work- I'm constructing our tiny visit- a breath of warmth in this cold metallic concrete place. He's holding my hand now- I imagine as i stroll alone through the most stunning spring day- and talking of the day that lay out before us like some strange land yet to be discovered. He'd give me a quick kiss on the cheek when i begin to make off colored comments. Giggling we'd grab lunch at Weaver Street Market and sit outside and watch the hippies play guitar and gather about at random. Studying how everyone seems so inter-connected here. Lounging we'd talk about everything and nothing. Then, like a leaf on the wind we'd glide away. Away to a place only we'd know. Oh! how it feels as though I drift above the ground. The pavement doesn't exist right now. Ah, to be with him, *dreamy sigh* my love....

This the last shot. last few days afore he comes this way. 3 days. Friday he'll be taking off. maybe sometime late Saturday or even early sunday he will arrive. The plan's shifted and in the words of jim carrey liar liar:

Fletcher: You - -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?
Motorpool Guy: what?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya?

sigh. yeah, i have. but dispite the urge to piss and moan like an impotent jerk i'm excited. 3 days. It's too good to be true. he's what I've wanted. He's my best friend. truly.

Why do I do, just as you say
Why must I just, give you your way
Why do I sigh, why don't I try - to forget

It must have been, that something lovers call fate
Kept me saying: "i have to wait"
I saw them all, just couldn't fall - `til we met
It had to be you, it had to be you
I wandered around, and finally found - the somebody who
Could make me be true, and could make me be blue
And even be glad, just to be sad - thinking of you

Some others I've seen, might never be mean
Might never be cross, or try to be boss
But they wouldn't do
For nobody else, gave me a thrill - with all your faults,
I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you

I love frank. I'm silly like that. I like Harry Connick Jr.'s version of the song better though. Harry's voice is the best. I listen to him when I'm heartsick. alright. i must go live life for a little while.

everybody- Andy the incredible photographer. check out his photos or die. I love his photos. he really does a great job.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/19068099@N00/

sigh. he doesn't want to hurt me. i know he won't do it on purpose. he called me his honey. yay. i'm giddy and deranged. dream of him and wake in a blurred memory. a memory that doesn't exist yet. the smell of his skin and the side of the bed still warm from his body laying there.

vulnerable and scared
shivering against it all
heart given and taken
will it be hurt?
will i leave this place bruised?
with love so powerful and true
intentions never would be so cruel
lingers of doubts
inside me shout
with a roar stronger then the ocean wave
for you i'd save
the last bit of love,
the last tear of sadness
and above it all the last whisper of admiration


alright it's 8 days away. and the closer it gets the less sleep i get. i'm tossing and rolling and staring at the way the lamppost out side filter little lit lines in my ceiling. thinking in poetry, talking in song. the very breath i take seems to whisper a promise. nerves are edged and thoughts race. daily grind grinds away none of this. this is harder for me then i thought. i'm caught with the thoughts of him all day long. passing the time and feeling as though i was suppose to wait. that this was suppose to build into an undertow and excited whispers, jumbled feelings, and these unspoken thoughts:
will he like me? of course, he loves me. but he's never met me, all the more reason to believe in his love. will he kiss me? of course, he will. but isn't there something to be said about not knowing one another face to face? sure there is, but there is a lot of shit said. do you believe it all. no. most it is white wash anyway. so why the edgy feelings? `cause maybe he won't like me in person. that's stupid. what's not to love? i don't know. my body's awkward looking. now you're talking like you did when you were 13. there's nothing wrong with your body. what if he changes his mind about coming? why would he do that. well i don't know i'm nervous. i want to please him. you do. okay, but. . . just breathe. he'll be here soon. don't worry about monday. monday will be beautiful. it'll all be awkward at first. but awkward in the best sort of way....
i'm not crazy. everyone talks to themselves. i do it most of the time when i'm not talking to mouse or him. there isn't anybody else to really talk to. a little lonely but not crazy. or myabe crazy in all the best ways.

alright. 9 days. why be a baby about it all. i might see him this summer. might. for a week. he isn't mine to have. he has family. work. things of that nature. i'm not going to act sore about it. right? i'm seeing him for 3 days. hopefully. okay. i'm being silly. i think i let my hopes get up about him. he didn't promise anything. and i AM being sore about it. damn it. i'm going to stop this selfish thought. he's sacrificing alot to come out here. so i need to can it. he loves me. that is more then i was ever hoping for. i'm going to cherish him. more then he's ever been cherished. give him all the love i have and wait for his next embrace. it isn't a good bye when he leaves. it's a see you at a later time. i'm going home to paint pictures of us in love. us sharing a long waited kiss. us holding the other with a love that is beyond love. he is my friend. he's never mentioned anything more. so i must realize that while he will always have my heart that may not be his intention. i don't want to scare away what i have. and he gives so much that i'd be happy if that is all he ever wants of me. he loves his friends well. it's a admirable thing. such an expression from one so quiet. it's an honor. it truly is.

I will never bother you I will never promise to I will never follow you I will never bother you Never speak a word again I will crawl away for good I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put in to this I always knew it would come to this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to feel Pain [3x] You Know your Right [3x] I'm so warm and calm inside I no longer have to hide Let’s talk about someone else Steaming soup against her mouth Nothing really bothers her She just wants to love herself I will move away from here You wont be afraid of fear No thought was put into this I always knew to come like this Things have never been so swell I have never failed to feel Pain


not feeling well. not at all.

Here's the newest poem in the puck inspired collection

13 days of waiting and whining
in this girlish way of pining
the light pale and lackluster
and in my mind your voice clusters
every sigh and moan
the soft edged tone
in the way you say you love me
it's a whispered key
to a heart that you know
like a page knows a book

Earth angel,
Earth angel
Will you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with you
Earth angel
Earth angel
The one I adore
Love you foreve
rAnd ever more
I’m just a fool,
A fool in-love with you
I fell for youA
nd I knew
The vision of your lovliness
I hope and I pray,
That someday,
I’ll be the vision of your
Happiness
Earth angel,
Earth angel
Please you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with youI fell for you
And I knew
The vision of your lovliness
I hope and I pray,
That someday,
I’ll be the vision of your
Happiness
Earth angel,
Earth angel
Please you be mine
My darling dear
Love you all the time
I’m just a fool,
A fool in love,
with you

I'm back. Poems. Ahh, the delicate, intricate desires of a fragile girl. Lmao. or just how woman feels. I'd like to think I'm not a fragile girl that I'm growing into a powerful woman. Who knows. No one can really read their daily progress towards maturity. Anyway. Work today was aweful. I've been stricken with some mystery illness. Again. I can hardly hear, breathe, think, speak, move. Grr. Here is something I wrote while i was at work. Bored and on my little thiry minute break. I truly don't understand how I got through today. I'm just proud that I didn't complain and I did my best. I have a problem with being too whiney. anyway.
Here it is:

"Puck"
the 2am talk
whispered in the dark
hearing the subtle contextual things in his voice
I could just see the way,
he blushes and tosses his gaze
down, down onto some thing not quite there
soft sultry words wrap my soul
in the undenyable warmth and love of his voice
can't contain the words
that came tumbling out
the ones we're fumbling about
like all so many secrets meant to be kept
inside us both, love, always slept
though we hid it well
we didn't hide it at all
like a snap of stray light
it hits us both
always there, hidden in plain sight
this time there's no struggle
just a blurred clarity
and a mid-air jumble
a hurried barely audible exchange
then the line shuts close
and there's a silence so loud
that it seemed to swallow the empty room I'm in.

okay 14 days. I'm not really crazy. I'm just acting a very convincing stalker creepy clingy chick. I'm not this stupid. Right? Okay maybe I am. Who cares!

Puck.
What can more can I say?
What can't be said?

It's all a crazy circus over here. Working hard and little play time. I'm counting the days and crossing my fingers. I feel so silly. I know I've been silly over boys before so it's really nothing new. I fear I'm dreaming up this interaction. That it's purely my invention. That in the morning there will be nothing more and nothing less then it was before. the days are taking too long to end these days. Things have changed for the best. I can feel it. How do I explain all the things I feel about him. All the things that have grown. He's my best friend, confidant, guy-I've-had-a-thing-for-going-on-2-years, and generally speaking my right hand man. It stuns me we've only known one another two years. I've never been close to guys. (My ex is an exception. I got close to him. And I was badly burned.) I'm absolutely silly about him. It's really hard to explain to him or to this internet niche for my thoughts how my thoughts of him have changed. It's shifted from a silly little internet crush to something truly wonderful. I can't help but feel as though the very air is touched with this warmth I didn't notice before. He has always been able to pull me out of any funk. I have no clue how he's always done it. His visit is going to be a turning point for sure. there already has been turning points lately. Not sure if he'll admit to them. How could anyone want anything more then him? Expect anything less? He's a darling, my angel, and makes me into a damn fool. But I love him with every fiber of my being. Which isn't creepy. It just is. I'm tired. I should be getting up early tomorrow so. I'll leave this as is