There are worse things than being alone

here are a couple little blogs i wrote on my ipod

Jan 10
"Ah, angst how it flavors life."

I've come to realize it's both inescapeable and irresistable. Nothing better then not being able to get with the one person who doesn't even register you as more then a buddy. Or they want you but

1. Can't figure out how to express themselves

2. Taken but is slightly interested

2.a Taken but is (or partner is) strongly religious and doesn't want to sin outside a relationship

or marriage

2.b Taken and miserable but won't break up/divorce/call off marriage because it's all they've

known for years or the person they are with provide some sort of emotional or money crutch

3. Can't bear to lose you as a buddy after you turn out to not be a great pick as a bf/gf

4. Strongly denies interest because they refuse to come out of their closet because of being in a state of denial.


i'm hopeful as much as i can take but it doesn't seem hopeful at this point in time.

words

i just love how when i say something during a conversation he denies my words and pretends the conversation never even existed. i hate that shit where he tries to make me seem like i'm a crazy bitch when i am not. he simply puts words in my mouth that WEREN'T there in the first fucking place. he is a cunt and he knows what he is doing full well. and then he fucking tells me it's because i'm tired that i don't remember. FUCK HIM. I don't give a fuck what he says about it. To win a fucking petty argument he pulls up BULLSHIT and then pretends that i just can't remember a fucking made up conversation. or one that he pretends we never have. how FUCKING CONVIENT for him. I seriously fucking hate him. I'm going to be glad when I have my shit together...

doctor who dreams

i had hours of euphoria upon awaking yesterday. i only remember fragments of it sadly because if i could i would dream the dream every night for a while. i was with the good doctor and we were strolling/running around hand in hand not sure why. but it was the doctor he is always running around as if he couldn't just go back in time a little and such. :P well at any rate i believe we were out someplace green and shaded and warm with a cool breeze. he had been babbling on and on about his silly stuff. and i just had the sudden urge to kiss him. we had been kinda swinging hands and as his hand swung up i stopped it and kissed the inside of his wrist a couple times. he had a trace of pleasure on his face for a nanosecond and then shock. "why would you do that?" he demanded in a faintly wounded way. i spoke firmly and sweetly, "because i would rather ask forgiveness and things be a little awkward for awhile then be filled with regret that i never showed you the love or affection that i feel for you" he swallowed hard a few times and his eyes misted slightly. i spoke again, "you're dying and i wanted-" he interjected, "i'm not completely dying i'm going to regenerate" and i felt my throat turn into a knot, "i know theta sigma but i need you to know you this incarnation." he just yanked me close and all of a sudden his hands were wrapping me up into the tightest warmest hug and kissed me in a fragile sort of way. He looked relieved and sad at the same time. i whispered "i think that is your problem doctor." he looked confused, i continued "you have two hearts and you love with both of them and that is twice as much as most people and species." he began to argue but i put a hand up onto his lips. he kissed my fingertips and then my lips.

the dream dissolved into me just hanging out with him and it just made me happy. i know it sounds like garbage and romance novelish but it made me feel like i was able to let him know through words and probably thoughts that there are so many reasons for him to be loveable. i just want him to know that he can be happy too. that it's okay. but i'm a hopeless loser. i find dreams about doctor who calming and euphoric. he makes me feel safe and we are kindred spirits of some sorts. i love him more then i should because he isn't real but oh well... goodnight sweet world i am off to go dream more doctor who stuff :D