i have been feeling so withdrawn lately. I am tired all of the time and when I get sleep it just never seems that great. My really bad nightmares have come back and I had trouble not jumping at noise lately. I thought david was my dad a couple times and I am worrying about myself. It seems to go and come. Sometimes I think it's getting worse but sometimes I think I'll be okay and that it's just a silly side effect. i'm considering cutting again. and i think i'm going to cut myself off from a friend i've been close to for a while. i just don't have anything more to say. i just don't know what i should do. i'll write more later.

i'm not sure how i'm going to save for a car or even cell phone (iphone). when i'm using last bit of energy and money to keep us fed and taken care of. we don't have rent again and i have no clue what the fuck is going to go down. puck was suppose to call and get this taken care of days ago. i can't possibly ask him again as i don't want a confrontation. i told him today that i want to go out and have fun tonight. and he said, "what about all those things you want to save for?". i just shrugged. it'll be years and years before i have enough of anything to spend on anything but what i need. i'm thinking about cutting again. and i'm considering going ahead and doing so when he goes to sleep. i'm caught between so many things and unless money falls from heaven they won't be happening soon. i'm thinking about killing myself... i don't know why i'm even bothering to live anymore. i'm tired. i slept all day and feel like shit. i want to achieve but i believe that i have no chance. more another day.

shadow

Lately for some bizarre reason. I went from noticing women... to NOTICING women. Beautiful women everywhere. I feel like I'm a 16 yr old boy. Gay women. Straight women. Women who drag as men. Women who flirt too hard. Women are amazing and I'm amazed that I have been so oblivious to them before. It's getting to be hard to not go after one of them. Everytime I see one I like I start fanatizing about stripping their clothes off and eating them out. I can't get it out of my head. I daydream at work. I dream about it when I'm sleep. I think about it when I'm showering. I even once thought of it when me and puck were fucking. It's inside my head and I can't get them out. They are always there always wanting me to get them.

*sweats* I am actually sweating thinking about women right now. I want one so bad I can taste it...

Okay. I'm getting off.... the computer and going to do something better with my time..;) like getting off...:P okay *deep breath* the urge to write about these things were too strong. I went to the library because I feel so embarrassed about typing it at home.

shadow.

i don't know what's going on lately. the patch was suppose to help and maybe it is. but i've been so depressed lately. today i just didn't want to eat. but i am kinda hungry. but i don't know. i don't really want food. but i do. and i'm kinda dizzy but i think it's because of not eating... i think the metal taste is there because i've not eaten too.. i mean i've tasted pennies before and not had the patch on... so maybe it's just fine. and my legs are just being stupid. i'll be fine. ppl are goofy. i'll wait until my legs want to fall off and it tastes like a bucket of pennies are in my mouth...


yeah...
that's a good plan
whoooo hello wheelchair... goodbye walking...

what use am i to anyone anyway. my mom's right. i can't hold a job. i suck at relationships. i am a piece of crap. i can't even be a good friend. i might as well just leave. and not bother anyone anymore. i might as well just kill myself.

existance... to be or not to be at all

it's been too much lately. we went down to the office today and the one of the options to cut the lease #1 is to 2,200. The other option is to pay the rest of rent 4,400 dollars. We can't do either really. I'm just now on getting to looking at getting a new job. I'm tired of crying, tired of working, tired of being around him somedays. i just want to cut it all off. i just want to stop existing. i wish i could take everything good and bad i did back. so i don't such a mess on my hands. i just wish i could not exist. it's such a stupid shallow thing to think. much love to who is reading.

shannon

This is my week in NC and I couldn't want all those days I spent here back. I am already so homesick. I want my old bed back. my old stuff. My friends. my laugh. my smile. they left me a while ago. i'll write more later.

only the bestest starwars light saber gag ever! no seriously i love a good lightsaber fight...

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where was i while everyone else was getting high?

I've been wondering about how I've shut myself away from everyone else.
I've been in chapel hill 11 months- almost a year and I've no friends. And while that usually doesn't bother me... I have to wonder. Why didn't I let myself go out and be a human. I've noticed since the romance I've trapped myself. I've slipped further back in my progression as a mature person. I think my Sickness is progressing. I think I'm driving myself to insanity.

someday you'll find me trapped beneath the landslide

I'm caught between pushing him away and continuing to fuck myself over.
And letting go. Trusting. I've never trusted anyone. Anyone. I've started to trust him the last 6 months. Now with the leaving of NC I'm doubting everything. Everything. My existence, My purpose, My being lovable, My worth....

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it's okay to be safe

I don't feel safe. I can't feel safe or I'll be cut to pieces. I can't breathe. I can't be open. I can't saved him. I can't be saved by anyone but me.


i'm losing control falling by the wayside

I'm so scared. I'm wanting to just fail. Just to prove them right. So they could whisper about how fucked and pathetic I was. How my brain was whacked and that's why I did it.

I'm going now.


I hope I don't do anything too stupid.

suicide... again

my suicide is eventually I've realized today. It's not the immediate goodbye world crap. It's the living and living until I feel too feeble to care about myself anymore. I'm already heading that way... I'm wanting to cut more and more and I've had a few serious attempts. But I'm trying to hold on for David. It's been a month since I last posted (close enough to a month anyways). I'm stressed and stretched. I'm feeling more then ever that I have no direction and I have no purpose. Hell is not having a purpose and being too much of a coward to end it. I have no end to the love I have for my friends, family, and my darling. He's my idea what a human should be. Sweet thoughtful, etc. He wants me forever and I just don't feel like I can do it. Not the commitment. Just life: crappy city, crappy jobs, crappy apartment, crappy furnishings, crappy food, and crappy people. Lately I just want him to find another girl. I don't want to be his heartache when I find the courage. I just can't get over the messages I recieved when I was a child. That I'm filthy, useless, a bitch, a whore, a mistake, a mess-up, a unwanted pregnancy, stupid, ugly, talentless. I feel day by day I'm crumbling into thinking that's true. It would be his emotional undoing (at least for a few months-1 year) if anything happened to me self-inflicted or otherwise. I've got to go get some air. This is too much to think about right now. I need to start packing. I can't be focusing my energy on this bullshit. I have a life I need to live instead of sitting here throwing a pity party...

more later.

How can I fear something so much I can almost taste it. It's been hard on Dave these last couple days I've been spazing out. I love him so dearly I really feel awful with the stress I've dumped out. I've resorted a couple times to cutting. And I'm thinking about slashing my shoulder with a kitchen knife.

I'm driving myself frantic. And I'm feeling trapped and can't control the panic and i can't control the pain and the weird bubbling fliting feelings.

Hells yeah... finally something to stop sickos from hurting us. They go in to attack and they get to spend the rest of the evening in the ER with plasic barbs in their dick. Serves them right. PLEASE support rapestop.net.... Women should be provided with these for free!

The world needs a little more Ninja....



more Ninja goodness!!!!

This blog is no longer read by the people who know me. By anyone who would see me on a daily basis. I wonder if my mom is right. That I wait too long for people to come to me. I think the city has changed me. Inspite of my tough exterior I feel that I'm pretty fragile on the inside. I'm feeling rubbed raw by the city and all the people in it. It just feels so fake. But then again it feels too emotionless.
Anyway, I didn't really sit down to write about that.
Bernard, where is he? And why do I feel that I've gotten him in trouble? I shouldn't have sent that email. Damn my impatience! I just wanted to hear from him. But why! Why didn't he let her know!I'm just a friend. I love him. I really do. He's my best friend. It's been 4 months since I've seen him. And I fear that that will be the very last time I shall ever see him. fuck. tears and electronics don't mix. He's been my friend for almost a year. Now I can't even email him. I can't even find out if he's ok. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so awful. I think I hurt his marriage. I wish he'd leave me a sign. A way to really understand what went down afterwards. geez. I'm a crappy friend. I'm sure he's better off without me. But I'm not better off without him. I'm miserable. He's so wise and kind. and I MISS HIM. I want him to come back and talk to me again. I hate this. I feel so stubborn right now. I don't want new friends. I want HIM. I want my old friend. The old good times. The old good talks. I don't want to go through the whole process of getting new friends and having to sift through all the lame-ass people here.
Alright. I just needed to do that.... Needed to rant and cry and whine. To be frustrated at my lame-ass self.
I have a new lame job. I'm a cashier at Hairy Peter. I'm making 8 bucks an hour so I guess that's better then most places. I have to go through the same lame training that I had to when I was last a grocery cashier. It's the same shit but a different day. ssdd. But I suppose that is what life is.


On another note.....

I'm going camping (hopefully) the last week of October. But money is very very tight right now and i doubt it will really go through but i want to go. Here's a good idea on what kind of stuff we'll be getting.... I hope we'll have enough for the supplies and for gas to and fro.

Camping Supplies
Coleman's "Red Canyon" 8 person 3 room 17' x 10' tent- 79.94
Coleman's "Montauk" Super King 6lbs 39' x 81' sleeping bag- 34.82
OmegaLight battery-free flashlight- 12.67 x2
Colibri "Firebird" lighter- 12.47 x2
Ozark Trail eggcrate padding 24' x 72'- 11.96 x2
Outdoor Productions "Daypack"- 9.86
Ozark Trail poncho- 2.86 x2
Ozark Trail portable t.p.- 1.74 x4
fuel for lighter- .98 x2
StarterLogs- .33 x1

Food Supplies

Breakfast
dozen eggs- .89
blueberry muffins- (?)
Lemon Poppy seed muffins- (?)
banana nut bread- (?)
blueberry bread- 2.50
bisquits- (?)
Morning Star sasuage patties

Sandwhich fixings (Lunches)
Nature's Own Honey Wheat bread- 2.15 x2
1lbs. turkey breast- 2.98
1lbs. honey ham- 3.24
cheese- 1.66
small sqeeze mayo- (?)

Dinners
chicken hot dogs (30)- 4.00
Morning Star chikn patties

Drinks
1/2 gal. of milk- 1.96
V8 Fusions Peach Mango- 3.99 x4
1/2 gal. gatorade- 1.77 x4

Trailmix
Blue Diamond 6oz. honey roasted almonds- 2.74 x2
7oz. honey roasted pecans- 4.17
Planter's 10oz cashews- 3.37
1/3 lbs of dried banana chips- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried mango pieces- (?)
1/3 lbs of dried cranberries- (?)

Snacks
Marshmellows- 1.00
jiffy pop- 1.63

I feel so trapped. I have no idea what to do with myself. I can't seem to go out alone afraid of what would happen. But I can't take the staying at home for hours and hours.

Hopes
hope for college degree
hope for good job
hope for nice house
hope for children

hope for good parenting skills

hope for end of indecent times
hope for friends that stick around
hope for time for myself
hope for personal growth

I'm about to attempt to make a meal that would cover all three. Not mixing the meal options. just making a meal that is hearty and stuff of that nature. Dave has called it Dinuchfeast. Let's see if I can do it. Well I'm off. Talk more later. cheers.

Fears
fear of car crash
fear of early death
fear of no true goodbye
fear of drowning
fear of suicide
fear of thunderstorm
fear of disease
fear of expensive cure
fear of no food
fear of obesity
fear of abandonment from my lover
fear of being cheated on
fear of having a broken heart
fear of cops
fear of shame
fear of loving too much
fear of not loving enough
fear of taking things for granted
fear of not living enough
fear of living foolishly
fear of being alone
fear of being crowded
fear of freezing
fear of parents dying early
fear of sibling dying early
fear of natural disasters
fear of insects
fear of fear

The idiots that continue to spam me with their sheep driven blogs are closed out. There will be no more comments on this blog. No more contacting me. I hate people. And I'd like to keep it that way. Your little sites on bedsheets and girlscouts make me sick. Go plug your pathetic sites elsewhere.

How does these days pass so quickly?! It's fallen into a eased pattern. I really can't describe anything that happens in our day to day lives as spectacular but it's a quiet sort of passion. Things were seeming to go great for about two weeks. I'd been struggling to get a job. And then out of the blue I got hired. Hired by this nutcase of a woman. I worked my ass off. Got good paid. and got fired for the stupidest reason. i had a little - little - trouble counting change. i used the machine to count back the change. i know i should be able to count change back but bah. i was quick i got things done. it was retarded. Anyway.

Dave is off tonight!!!! yay! We made love this morning and i can't imagine how i thought sex was suppose to be like. With him it's so.... undiscribable. He told me he was taking me out to dinner to cheer me up abit. That awful woman. Anyway. I'm excited. I'll find a job, things will settle down.

more later.

The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident. - Sir Hugh Walpoe